Glass Chains
by AymberPoet
Summary: Sequel to Paper Dolls. Kurt and Blaine are moving on after Holly's death, or trying to. Grief does funny things to people and relationships, even the ones that were meant to last. Fluff. Angst. Future!fic.
1. Chapter 1

**Sequel to _Paper Dolls_; not necessary to read it to understand this but please do!  
>Going to try and update every couple of days and I'm off school for two weeks from 15th Oct. so maybe more. Enjoy.<strong>

**1 month later.**

In the last month since Holly's funeral nothing had progressed; Kurt had been to school a total of 8 times, never for more than 3 hours. Blaine had transferred back to Dalton without explanation, but he hadn't needed to. The young, usually dapper boy was painful to look at, he needed to be somewhere he felt safe. Kurt hadn't said anything as Blaine kissed him softly and drove away but everyone could see he was scared; he wanted to give Blaine space to heal but how much space was too much? They barely talked but text everyday, small things like "I love you," "I miss you," "it will get better," it was all they could do because sometimes it felt like it never would.

Burt, Carole and Finn just didn't know how to handle Kurt in this state, they knew he was in pain but it was hard to stand by and watch it, especially without Blaine here it seemed to get worse. Burt had called Blaine to ask how he was and Blaine would answer with a fake politeness that dripped with his real feeling: grief. Blaine's parents had of course been disapproving of the relationship and pregnancy but they couldn't ignore this, every parent has once cried at just the mere wondering of how it feels to lose a child. John Anderson had even tried to comfort Blaine once but his emotional distance made it nearly impossible; Blaine needed to be held, to be encouraged, to be understood... He needed Kurt.

"I don't understand why he left though," Burt said exhaustedly from the table as Carole carefully sliced vegetables, "they're killing themselves being apart!"

"I know, I know... They're on different planets though; Kurt blames himself for being the one who physically lost Holly while Blaine just feels helpless. Imagine watching the person you love the most go through..." She trailed off and glanced at Burt, "sorry, I-"

"Don't worry, I get what you mean," he smiled comfortingly and she set back at her steady pace, everything seemed so much slower in this house now, like if you moved too quick something bad would happen. "It's insane, they're just kids Carole and yet all I want is for them to have their own!"

"Because we know they'd be amazing, Blaine was so read to be a dad," she smiled fondly at the thought of Blaine's smile whenever the subject of his unborn daughter came up.

"Yeah, but right now they ain't doing so well, they need to see each other now before one of them loses it. You know Kurt is still hugging himself-" The sentence was cut off when Kurt walked in silently apart from a soft cough to quiet his father. Donned in yet another four-sizes-too-big jumper that came over his knees and hands and made him look so childlike and broken, he grabbed a glass and got some water.

The atmosphere suddenly became charged with everything that needed to be said, with everything Kurt was pretending he didn't feel or hear, with everything that Burt needed to tell his son but didn't know how and all the questions Carole hadn't asked or gotten answered yet. It made Kurt want to cry, he missed the banter, the easy conversation, in fact conversation at all would be nice. He glanced over at the food Carole was making and his tummy tightened with hunger but when he felt the remaining swelling it disappearing back into the pain that had consumed all of his other feelings. He went to leave the kitchen when he looked up at Burt with his big blue eyes that were the saddest, ocean navy Burt had ever seen.

"It's only been 4 weeks Dad, sometimes it feels like..." He swallowed his tears desperate, "like she's still here."

It broke Finns heart to hear Kurt say things like that; he often saw Kurt holding himself like he had done when he was pregnant and once he had 'helpfully' reminded Kurt it was over. Note once was definitely enough to learn that lesson. He also missed Blaine; it was like having a proper brother, like a sports-watching brother, which is all Finn, has ever wanted really. He watched Kurt disappear into the basement and decided to ring Blaine and try and get him to visit or something.

"Hey Finn," he sounded happy enough but Finn could tell something was wrong. "What's up?"

"Nothing much, just dude, you need to come over like a-sap,"

"Why? What happened? Is Kurt Ok?" Blaine's immediate panic panicked Finn for a second.

"Nothing happened but truthfully no, he's not OK Blaine and neither are you," Finn felt so grown up saying this, "you need each other, you can't pretend like this didn't happen."

"We're not we're just taking... Taking a break that's all-"

"Bullshit! Look you guys are like the best couple ever, you were gonna be great parents and get married and all that, just because this happened doesn't mean you give up!"

"This isn't a normal occurrence Finn!" Blaine growled down the line "you need time to hurt and heal,"

"Why not together?" He heard Blaine inhale sharply and smiled, they were just avoiding the situation and hopefully one of them would see sense before something bad happened.

"I'll come over soon Finn, I promise... Tell Kurt- Never mind, bye."

Kurt closed the door softly and made his way down the stairs to his bed, where he crawled under the covers and tried to keep the tears back. Finn was so right. They needed to be together; he would never get over Holly without Blaine, he was too in love to live apart from him like this. Kurt's phone vibrated loudly on his bedside table and normally he would have left it but he had developed a sixth sense for important texts and something made him venture out of the darkness to fetch the device.

_-We are being ridiculous; I love you. I love you more than anything and I need to see you, we need to talk. The guilt will kill us if we let it, it wasn't our fault Kurt, it especially wasn't your fault. B x_

That text switched something in Kurt's head, a memory, a fleeting scene that will forever be engraved on his brain, forever causing him pain.

The next day Kurt went to school, he managed his skin routine, to choose an outfit and eat something without crying or needing to lie down and give up; he was on a mission. Walking down the halls of McKinley he was used to stares, to whispers, to pointing and even people calling out but today he was even more oblivious, all he wanted was to find one person. Dressed in red and impossible to miss, mostly due to his size and partly to do with their history Kurt's fist found it's target pretty quick. He was stronger than anyone would have ever guessed and the definitive crunch under his knuckles silenced the busy hall, every pair of eyes trained on the car crash unfolding in front of them.

"You killed her," he didn't raise his voice but he didn't need to, everyone was listening. "You knew, I don't know how but you knew exactly how fragile she was!" His voice was thick, he didn't sound angry at all, just desperate, broken and confused. Dave's brown eyes wouldn't meet Kurt's, he just slumped around his gushing nose; some blood was on Kurt's hand but he hadn't seemed to notice or care. Kurt lunged forward again but strong hands pulled him back and surprisingly he came face to face with Sue Sylvester, her normally harsh features were soft and understanding.

"This isn't the way to deal with this porcelain," he stared at her for a moment and nodded before shaking off her hold.

"I just want to know why, why you would do that to us?" The seconds of silence stretched on forever, everyone waiting for the answer, everyone for once on Kurt's side, even if they hated him before they could feel the pain radiating out of him now. Kurt's eyes weren't harsh, they were searching, searching for an answer that would bring the peace he just couldn't find with himself, the universe and most of all, with Blaine.

"Because it wasn't fair..."

* * *

><p>Blaine wasn't in the mood for Warbler practice but he had to go and smile and sing and be "Blaine Anderson, soloist" when he felt like "Blaine, failure." Everyone had been supportive but it was hard for them to understand what he was going through and he couldn't blame them so he pretended like it didn't bother him.<p>

"Rachel?" Blaine wouldn't normally answer his phone in practice but he wanted an excuse to leave.

"OH MY GOODNESS BLAINE DID YOU HEAR?" Her shouting was one of the most painful sounds Blaine knew but the panic overwhelmed the annoyance.

"I'm at school Rachel, what's going on?"

"Kurt! He just punched Karofsky! Right in the face!-"

"-It was so fucking awesome!" Santana's smooth voice made me laugh and I couldn't help but smile at thought of Kurt actually punching someone but-

"Why?"

"I don't know, he didn't seem mad, he wasn't even shouting… He-" The line went silent and I heard two people arguing softly, "Blaine he said Dave… it was his fault, you know, about Holly." He dropped the phone with a clatter, knowing it would be OK but not caring in that moment, the only thing he could think of was Kurt and the tiny baby they held for mere minutes. What had happened with Kurt in the bathroom that day? The detail of him and Karofsky kissing had slipped Blaine's mind, he though Kurt was upset because was 'cheating' and well it wasn't, not to Blaine, especially not in that moment.

Blaine was in his car in what felt like seconds later, he had told Wes to cover for him and he'd be back at some point. His small hands were shaking slightly, hot tears threatened at the back of his throat but he didn't know why, he couldn't place the emotion that was coursing through him. All he knew was he needed to be with Kurt, he had been an idiot to transfer back, to run away when they needed each other the most. The guilt had been eating Blaine since the moment he knew Holly wasn't going to be OK, he hadn't been with Kurt, he hadn't been there to protect them like he should of and worst of all he couldn't make it better afterwards. He glanced at his ring finger and wondered if the silver band (Kurt had made him get one too so they could both have engagement rings) was only sitting there because the boys hadn't _talked _in so long.

"It will be OK."

**Hope you enjoyed! Reviews make my year.**


	2. Chapter 2

"We need to talk," Blaine's voice was steady but his hazel eyes were slightly bloodshot from crying, "and that's not a suggestion."

"There's not a lot to say," I tried to start my protests but my voice was too weak and so was my argument.

"Don't lie to yourself Kurt, we need to talk about what happened and what's _going _to happen with us…" He glanced at his left hand and I followed his eyes to the ring placed there, my heart convulsed painfully in my chest and I stepped forward.

"You're not saying… We should break up?" My hand was wrapped tightly around his forearm and I suddenly felt overwhelming panic.

"Kurt, no," he placed his hands on my face softly, "that's exactly what I'm _not _saying; I want to know how we can keep on going because at the moment everything has just fallen apart and if we want to spend the next 70 years with each other shouldn't we be able to deal with-"

"The death of our child?" I filled in bluntly and he visibly flinched.

"I was going to say the trials of life but yes, the…" He stepped back and opened his car door so he didn't have to say the end of the sentence and I'm not so sure why that annoyed me so much but I couldn't let it lie.

"Why can't you say it? Can you even say her name?" He couldn't look at me and that was all the answer I needed, "Blaine you can't come here and lecture _me _on dealing with things when _you _are even worse."

"Maybe I just didn't know how to tell you I'm not OK with the fact that-" the sentence started off so angry but trailed off.

"Say it."

"The fact that Holly died, there, I said it!" He pinched his bridge and sighed deeply, "Kurt I'm going fucking insane without you, without talking to you, pretending like this is all just going to get better if we ignore it! You are obviously not OK; Finn called me and-"

"Finn! Since when do you two talk! Since when does he know anything?" I threw my hands up and my voice began to get louder, I carefully checked myself though when I noticed people starting to stare at us.

"Since you've gotten so bad even he can see that something needs to be done! He's not a complete moron Kurt, he cares about you and so do I, and we just want to make sure you're OK!"

"Of course I'm not OK!" The anger crept up on me and flew out of my mouth like it had done when I used to get my bad mood swings but this time it wasn't followed by another overwhelming emotion. "It's never going to be OK! I love you so much but I can't stop thinking about her, I can't stop imagining how she would have your hair and colour but my eyes and-" My voice cracked and broke and my knees gave way but arms caught me and Blaine cradled me as we fell to the ground.

"I know baby, I know, I feel the same. It's like her memory will always be there around us and it will, it will always hurt but Kurt we love each other. I've never felt like this, I didn't even know this existed and guess what? It survived something as hideous as this." He pulled away to look at me, "you can't give up on me Kurt, I _need _you forever and ever and ever… and ever." I giggled softly into his chest, his familiar scent filling my nose and reminding me of everything I had been missing these last few weeks.

"Why did you transfer?" I didn't want to ask that question and I know he didn't want me to either but I needed to know why he ran away.

"Because I felt so guilty about what happened, I was supposed to be there for you both and I failed and all I could do was watch you…. I thought you would hate having me around." I kissed him gently at first but when his taste registered it became deeper, more desperate, furious even that I had denied my body this for so long.

"I love you, I love you so much Blaine… Don't transfer again, just, just come and see me? And I'll come up to Dalton and I could meet your parents and we need to move on, not _avoid _it like we have been but just… accept it?"

"You're so perfect," he had that stupid gooey eyed look that made me want to laugh out loud but for once I was glad to see it, to know that nothing had changed and that my beautiful Blaine still felt the same about me as he had before.

"Shut up and take me home."

* * *

><p>"Hey, knock, knock," my Dad pushed the door open tentatively and sighed in relief, something that had become second nature after one <em>extremely <em>embarrassing incident. "Umm Blaine your Mom is on the phone, did you tell her you were coming?" Blaine's face dropped suddenly and he ran to the phone before disappearing upstairs; my Dad gave me _that _look.

"What! I didn't ask him to come," a smile crept across my face, why was my boyfriend so romantic?

"I know but he can't just ran out of school whenever he feels like it,"

"Dad in case you haven't realised we haven't exactly been going through any grieving process together the last month," how was I so strong in front of my Dad when I talked about this? "We… We still need time and you of all people should understand."

"Of course I understand Kurt! I just, I've never met his parents and from what I've heard they ain't exactly-" He paused to find the right word.

"You?" I loved making my Dad smile like that, he was so self-conscious of his parenting even after 9 years.

"Well I do try, but seriously yeah and I don't wanna see Blaine get in any kind of trouble with his folks."

"I've asked to meet them, I'll try rope you and Carole in for a family dinner; maybe you could help make them more… open to our engagement?" Burt was the best father I could have asked for, even if I did have my teenage moments all this happening made me realise just how much my Dad would do for me and how lucky I was.

Blaine looked quite shaken when he handed the phone back to my Dad and sat heavily on the bed; he was looking awfully small and that was something considering how tiny he is anyway.

"What's wrong BB?" The nickname was evolved from the Dalton boys calling him 'B' and I decided to adopt my own, more intimate version and it always seemed to calm him.

"Just… urgh, my stupid mother shouting at me as usual; she said I need to get back to school asap or she was taking me out for messing them about so much and they knew that they should never have let me transfer." He ran his fingers through his curls, which he still hadn't cut but had pathetically attempted to gel them back in his usual Dalton style. "Apparently my grandma is coming over this weekend and we're going to have a'family discussion,' and… well Kurt you're family now."

"Blaine do you really think this is a good idea? Kurt's never met your parents and I'm sure I'd let you do this alone," my Dad's voice was thick with concern but also edged slightly, he hadn't forgiven Blaine for leaving me behind.

"That's why I want you _both _to come sir," he fumbled softly, he hadn't called my Dad sir since the beginning of summer, "you have been an amazing father figure to me and well if I'm marrying your son and, I consider you, all of your family, my family." Blaine blushed deeply and looked at the bed covers beneath him, I glanced up at my Dad whose deep frown lines had somehow become deeper and we shared a look that said it all _'we have to do it for Blaine.'_

* * *

><p>I sat among my clothes, mounds of perfect outfits laid out around me but I was still in my underwear staring at the slight swelling around my abdomen. The two pink scars from my operations were still bright and noticeable; they would fade in a few years, quicker if I kept up my bio oil routine but it was getting harder and harder to touch myself and not feeling Holly there. I glanced at the clock and saw I had four hours till I needed to be at Blaine's, which was really only two hours considering the drive and the traffic.<p>

"Hey Kurt you OK down there?" I jumped at my Dad's voice, "you having a clear out or something?"

"No… Just… Trying to find an outfit that won't cause offense in the Anderson household." He stayed silent, watching me compulsively sort my clothes in a very therapeutic way that sometimes confused my family. "When I went round there the first time his Dad made me leave, he knew, he walked in and saw what I was wearing and told me I was ruining his son… and…" I tried to swallow the tears, "maybe he was right."

"Kurt," my Dad carefully picked his way through the chaos around me, and put his hands on my shoulders, "_don't ever say that again._ You are the best thing that ever happened to that boy, I can see that just by looking at him. What happened to you guys was shit but how many couples do you think make it through that? I thought you were happy with yourself Kurt, don't let someone's ignorance take that from you." He hugged me tightly, "now get dressed and come choose me an outfit; you know I don't do posh."

**So much sap, it's sickening. :D**


	3. Chapter 3

**Blaine's POV, which I've been dying to do! Hope you like it.**

I unlocked the heavy oak door slowly, trying to keep silent but as soon as I stepped into the hallway the familiar barks of my bevloved Xavier rang out like a shot.

"Xavie! Shhh," I hissed but it was too late.

"Blaine? Blaine is that you?" My mother appeared around the corner from the kitchen, her long Italian curls were pinned up in a messy fashion that told me she was dealing with something stressful.

"Yeah, what's going on?" She stopped playing with her hands and smiled calmly.

"How old are you Blaine? 17? Haven't you learnt what Thanks Giving means in this household yet?" I hated when she asked me so many rhetorical questions, it was her way of silencing me, "want something to eat?"

"Umm sure…" My heart bolted into my throat, if there was something Alyssia Anderson was good at it was pretending to be calm when she was two seconds away from snapping necks. "Dad home?"

"Not yet," she glanced at the watch on her wrist and the same time I pulled out my phone to answer a text from David; _20:34_, "soon though." I awkwardly sat up at the bar as my Mom pulled out one of her cake dishes and pushed it towards me, one of the best things about her Italian heritage was her cooking talent, patisserie being her specialty. She spun a plate towards me and sat down softly next to me, "it's Battenberg, your favourite," she smiled softly as she pulled the dish lid of and showed me her handiwork. _Shit._

"Thanks Mom," the silence deepened as she cut particularly large slices for us both, "so you want to talk about today?"

"Look Blaine I'm not _angry_ but I am a little disappointed in you, you can't just leave school whenever you feel like it, especially not since you just went back! You know it's been very difficult with your Father over all this lately and…" She sighed, "I really think you need to start reevaluating your life choices."

"You're never going to learn are you?" I tried to keep my voice calm but it shook slightly, "you're never going to love me enough to see past whatever he's told you."

"Blaine don't talk about your Father like that! Or me for that matter! We're trying to help you!"

"By saying it was my _choice? _I certainly do not remember the day I gave the universe permission to make my life a misery if I wanted to be in love!" I jumped off the stool before spinning round sharply, "my _fiancé _Kurt and his Father Burt are coming round for dinner on Saturday, if you could drug Dad that would be great."

I walked away from her feeling like a crappy son, I shouldn't be shouting at her but if she wouldn't stand up for herself then I would stand up to her. I stared at the piano for a few seconds before shutting the doors and sitting down, my Mom knew never to come in when I was playing unless it was vital.

_"Blaine where the hell have you been? You haven't called in a week! We called up your 'school' and they told us you were taking personal time off?" I hadn't even made my way through the porch when my Dad started screaming at me, his eyes were comically small and his hands were flying around with a dangerous lack of awareness. "What the _fuck _Blaine! Talk to me!" I look up and my Mom was standing a few feet behind, her hands twisting in each other and her eyes scanning me for an external damage, if only she knew.  
><em>

_"I've… I've been busy…" I tried to make myself move but I couldn't, Xavier nudged my hand and tears started to fall down my face.  
><em>

_"Oh Blainers!" My Mom started to rush forward but was caught by my Dad's strong arm.  
><em>

_"Why are you crying?" He growled angrily, expression of weakness was a capital crime to my Dad, "I bet its that faggot you've been spending all your time with isn't it?" My Mom's gasp just wasn't enough reaction and I fell to the ground unable to stand.  
><em>

_"Can you just not? Not today Dad…" I was barely making any sound but my throat was raw.  
><em>

_"Blaine what happened?" My Mom had finally wriggled past my Dad and gently placed her hands on my knees, "you look terrible."  
><em>

_"She died Mom," I whimpered helplessly, "and I wasn't there, I wasn't there for him and now she's-" I fell into her arms and she hushed and rocked slowly, my whole body giving up and for the first time in days beginning to relax until-_

_"Who the fuck is 'she'?" I felt my Mom take a calming breath at John's spectacular lack of care for my feelings.  
><em>

_"Blaine, answer your Father," her soft Italian tones soothing the words from my mouth.  
><em>

_"Our… daughter."_

The music grew louder and more desperate as that night flooded back through the dam that I had tried to build over the last month, but denial was never going to keep it out. My parents' faces, my Dad shouting, my Mom not knowing how to react, my lungs failing to work, being unable to speak more than two words without crying…

"You'll break it if you play like that," his deep voice had stopped being comforting around age 12 and now it filled me with dread; my hands automatically stopped playing. "So is there a reason you're home on a Monday night or what?"

"Nothing you would care about," I replied coolly, idly tapping on the keys as softly as I could manage; that had become our code for everything related to my sexuality and Kurt.

"Just keep yourself in line OK? Dalton isn't going to keep on giving you chances," he sounded tired so I glanced up and found his suit was half undone and his hair was far from immaculate.

"Why is everyone so on edge this year?" I asked innocently, "Mom made _Battenberg."_ He chuckled gruffly and the familiar sense of pride at actually evoking a positive reaction from my Dad rose in my chest.

"Your 'Ma is coming, that's enough to send anyone a little loopy right? Plus she staying a bit longer this year…"

"What?" Fear spread through my body faster than a forest fire, "why? How much longer?"

"She's coming Wednesday and leaving Sunday," he pinched the bridge of his nose like I did and sighed deeply, "why she can't go and see your uncle for once I have no fucking clue." He began to rant about how Uncle Michael never got stuck with his Mother but I couldn't really listen, Tabitha always left on Friday, Saturday morning if she was desperate but… _Sunday?_

"Dad she _has _to be gone on Saturday." I didn't mean to say but once I had I couldn't take it back.

"Why?" He squared himself and stared at me hard.

"Because…" I swallowed and straightened myself up, "Kurt and his Dad are coming for dinner on Saturday and I want you to meet them, _civilly, _but she can't. It will be awful." My Dad just looked at me for a bit, a very confused look on his deeply lined forehead, which just emphasized how much his job had aged him at just 48.

"You… You asked him, here, for _dinner?_ Blaine what the fuck is wrong with you? Did too much cock make you stupid?" I winced at his slurs but didn't say anything, "Jesus fucking Christ Blaine, you can't ask your _boyfriend_ round to family dinner!"

"He's not my boyfriend, he's my fiancé." John Anderson did not know how to take that sentence so he left the room, he just left me sitting there at the piano feeling like the rejected ten year old me had the first moment I realised my Dad would never love me. A couple minutes later he reentered the room with a glass of whiskey, filled nearly to the brim and looked at me firmly.

"You, you need this weekend more than I thought. I will have dinner with this… primitive and his sinful son but don't count on it being pleasant and as for your Grandmother, well lets hope she doesn't have a stroke or something."

* * *

><p><em>"We're here for you Blaine," Wes said softly once I finally managed to get the words out, "got that?"<em>

"We're here for you Blaine," Wes said from across my room as I got dressed for dinner, "got that?"

_"It… I just don't know what to do anymore," I whimpered roughly into his shoulder._

"I just don't know what to do anymore," I growled into the mirror as I tried to perfect my bowtie, something Kurt could do with his eyes closed.

"_Just breathe, you can't make this go away but you can't pretend like you have to do this alone," David's voice was somber and mature for once, "you and Kurt need each other to get through this."_

"Just breathe, you can't make this go away but you can't pretend like you have to do this alone," David said from his laptop, "you and Kurt can get through this together."

"Don't you sometimes get this incredible sense of déjà vu?" Wes laughed as he watched me struggle with my clothes, "we're such good friends."

"You guys are the best," I smiled and decided to leave my outfit be because I really wasn't going to get much better without Kurt here. "If only you could come with me," I hinted sweetly and the two boys just laughed.

"No way, you're not the only one with a bat-shit crazy relatives coming for this ridiculous holiday," Wes sighed unhappily.

"But you're Asian?" The genuine confusion in David's voice made me snicker slightly.

"Yeah I know, apparently my Grandmother wants to 'experience American festivities,' who the fuck taught her the word 'festivities' anyway?" I giggled and pulled out my phone.

_Hey baby, good luck for tonight, call me later? Xxx – k_

"I gotta go, see you guys on Monday?" They nodded and wished me good luck, we weren't coming back to school till Wednesday but we all agreed we needed a sanity break after the weekend.

I walked out of Dalton into the sharp November air, the sky was tinted with purple and had I not been off to be abused by my Grandmother for five days I would have taken a few moments to admire it. I caught sight of the navy Bentley and took a deep shaky breath.

* * *

><p><em>If I die tonight, remember I died in pain… so much pain. xxx – B<em>

_You're such a drama queen! You underestimate just how Dalton you can be. Xxx – K_

_My Mom is applying her 23rd coat of lipstick and we're not even at the restaurant yet. Xxx – B_

_How about you just update me and I'll reply if it's urgent… Then Skype me when you get home :)__ xxx – K_

_8:21: Lazy whore. Fine, prepare for some major freaking out!_

8:23: _Fuck, fuck, my Mom just snapped at me for texting so much._

_8:24: they're going to be here any minute! I swear I'm having a heart attack Kurt, this is urgent!_

_8:24: Okay maybe not but still!_

_8:27: I keep forgetting you're not replying, holy shit… she's here._

_8:28: The first thing she asked was "have you been praying?" Kill me. Now. _

_8:30: You know I don't think dinner on Saturday is such a good idea…_

_8:32: Shut up Blaine, we're coming xxx – K_

_8:52: She's asked me if I've found a girlfriend eight times, she wants to set me up with someone…_

_9:02: Mental note, reminding her your gay: bad idea._

_9:04: This silence in painful, my Mom has the giggles._

_9:19: The duck is really good here; we should come… sans crazy family. It might be nice._

_9:24: Oh my god._

_9:24: What? Xxx – K_

_9:26: Blaine? Xxx – K_

_9:33: OK you're scaring me now xxx – K_

_9:47: Please, please don't come round on Saturday._

**In my head G'ma Anderson is a major bitch lol which I will show. Had fun with the texting, opinions?**


	4. Chapter 4

**Off to Blaine's house.**

We were about half way through our journey to New Albany when a major wave of butterflies hit me, I had been nervous before but now I was dreading meeting Blaine's family. He hadn't explained why he had been so adamant for me not to come so I wouldn't take his half-arse excuses and tried to be the mature one, except I really wasn't being mature at all, I just missed Blaine. Him texting me from the restaurant had been the closest we had gotten to acting like normal teenagers since I got pregnant and it was nice.

I played with the hem of my new coat and tried to breathe steady, I kept switching radio stations but my Dad was also too nervous to make his usual remark of annoyance. Normally the sight of my Dad all dressed up was enough to make me laugh but today I was too on edge to do anything but snap at Finn and text Blaine confirming details over and over again.

We pulled up to the Anderson Mansion which was actually called Golden Oaks Manor, which if you had ever seen the grounds in autumn you agree was the perfect name for this massive abode.

"Wow, looks like you're set for life kiddo," my Dad laughed nervously, I don't think he's ever been in a house this big before.

"Unless they disown him…" My thought/mouth filter had been slowly becoming less and less useful and I immediately regretted cutting down his joke so bluntly. "Sorry, I'm just nervous."

"I'm sweatin' like a pig over here, why couldn't you just bring Carole?" I rolled my eyes and bounced up to the front door, after seeing Blaine in the two-storey window that the staircase lay behind. The heavy oak door swung open before I had even rung the bell and Blaine jumped into my arms.

"Oh God, I didn't think you were going to come!" He was gripping me tightly and I realised just how much of his seemingly joking texts weren't jokes.

"Have some faith Mr. Anderson! You know I love a good gay-bashing over dinner with my future in-laws," his smiled was practically dripping with relief when I made a joke. He shook my Father's hand and led us both into the dark wooden hallway, the smell of food was strong and made my stomach growl; when was the last time I ate?

"My Gr- Tabitha isn't here at the moment, she at an exorcism or something…" He flashed a cute smile and my Dad managed a half-hearted laugh, he was still looking around the grand interior in complete awe.

"Blaine please stop saying those things about her, she might get ideas…" Blaine's mother was incredibly beautiful, she gave Blaine his colouring, (apart from he had his father's eyes hers were much darker,) and I never failed to tell Blaine or her that myself.

"Hello Mrs. Anderson, is that Westwood?" I gasped suddenly looking at her dress, she smiled brightly and ran a hand over the gown.

"Yes actually, from years ago but I think anything by her is timeless," she had always been kind to me; I think her only issue with Blaine's sexuality was how unaccepting most people would be of him. "Hi I'm Alyssia," she stepped forward and kissed my Dad on both cheeks, a very European thing that Burt Hummel wasn't quite used to.

"Um, I'm Burt," he cleared his throat and blushed slightly, "your place is, well it's something isn't it?"

"Oh it's does its job; it's an old family house, I never wanted to be here, I much prefer modern architecture, much more light you know?" I tried not to giggle at my Dad as he pretended to understand how anyone could complain about this house. Blaine kissed me softly on the neck as the adults talked and I felt myself relax into him, suddenly acutely aware of how long it had been since we'd had sex of any kind. I let myself fall into his toned chest and my nerves started to disappear until his hand snaked round my waist and rested over my now very flat stomach.

"What are you doing?" I pulled away as quickly as my body would allow, "you can't, not yet."

"Sorry, old habits," we both looked at each other properly for the first time, he looked tired, his hair wasn't gelled right, his eyes were nearly black, his bowtie was done wrong and he had this look… He looked so lost.

"I'm sorry, I'm just so on edge today," I curled back into him but heard the front door slam and moved away again, in fact we both moved as far away from each other as we could and it felt wrong.

"Whose piece of junk is on the driveway Jonathon? I thought you didn't have help?" I winced at the voice, I hadn't even seen the woman yet and I already hated her and from the look on my Dad's face so did he.

"John! OSPITES!" Her occasional Italian was a trait Blaine had picked up on and I recognized the word from our brief lessons, _guests._

John Anderson was aged past his own, dark grey hair and big hazel eyes framed with creases which I could now see were from his mother, he was 5'10 and held a much more powerful stance than Blaine but with it came an air of arrogance. Tabitha Anderson was exactly the same, just older and far bitterer.

"Hello, John Anderson," he shook my Dad's hand firmly, I think he was pleasantly surprised by how masculine my Dad was, he probably expected an artist with long hair and my sense of style.

"Tabitha Anderson," she smiled sweetly enough but I could see Blaine glowering in my peripheral vision, "who are you?" Blunt.

"Um, Grandma, this is Burt Hummel and his son Kurt; Kurt is…" Blaine stumbled slightly, my Dad looked thoroughly surprised at his lack of composure and decided to jump in.

"Blaine and Kurt are engaged."

The whole room became charged with so much tension I thought it was going to kill me. Alyssia turned back to her cooking and started to put things in dishes, Blaine kept glancing over but decided that taking his place next to me was a better choice, John was staring at me coldly, taking in every detail of the boy that had _ruined _his perfect son. Tabitha was trying to find a way of phrasing her reply to my Dad who was shifting his weight uncomfortably.

"You both knew about this?" She looked from John to Alyssia with harsh eyes.

"Yes," Alyssia said confidently.

"I said yes because I knew that you would be here," John began to explain, his wife and son giving him a look that should have made guilt stop him from speaking but continued, "you could fix him, since I've obviously failed."

"We haven't even sat down to dinner yet," Blaine said, "and you've already mentioned 'fixing' us? Jesus Christ Dad do you have no sense of moral decency?"

"Blaine Jonathon Anderson, how dare you!" Tabitha snapped with surprising viciousness, "your Father is doing what he should have done a very long time ago. Lets sit down."

"Oh shit," I whispered to my Dad,

"Agreed."

* * *

><p>Alyssia Anderson was one of the best cooks I knew of; Blaine often brought food to Dalton or when he came to visit and I was actually excited to try one of her meals. Unfortunately eating wasn't high on the agenda today.<p>

"Burt you don't think this is child abuse?" My Dad choked on his drink as Tabitha started again, "to allow his soul to be, destroyed, like this?"

"Um, you're kidding right?" Blaine, Alyssia and I all smiled into our napkins, it was rather amusing if you didn't think about it too much. "My son's soul is pretty intact, I mean sometimes he's a bit of a diva but nothing _sinful_."

"Except for his disgusting sexual choice," she said it so coolly.

"Well I don't know about three-year-olds choosing to be who they are, seems pretty insane to me." Alyssia nodded encouragingly before being very preoccupied with her prawns.

"You obviously don't know the Bible."

"Neither do you."

"I have studied it extensively since I was a young girl Mr. Hummel, I know every law of God and I live my life strictly by them." Blaine sighed heavily next to me; we had our hands tightly entwined under the table but I wanted nothing more than to put them on the wood. "Have you ever tried therapy?"

"Therapy? Like that cure-a-queer thing? Really?" He looked at me desperately and I shrugged.

"They sent me," Blaine piped up, "for about a year."

"What? You never told me this?" I frowned at him as he shrugged, "oh my God."

"Well it obviously didn't work, why are you fretting?" His eyes shimmered slightly and he dipped towards me before flinching away again.

"Makes sense now though don't it?" Burt said with cold eyes on John Anderson, "I mean why Blaine would even consider swapping Dalton for McKinley."

"How can you be so crude!" Tabitha was fuming, "John how can you let this man sit in your house?" John had been playing with his food during the uncomfortable conversation and still didn't offer up any kind of explanation or answer. "I thought I raised you to better than this, I knew you should never have married a _European, _especially Italians, they are so… messy with their morals."

"Isn't the Vatican in Rome?" I regretted saying that as soon as her blue eyes settled on me, her greying hair was beginning to come out of its scraped back up-do with fury.

"Don't try and tell me about God you wretch! Thankfully it's Sunday tomorrow, we can all go and I'll talk to your priest because obviously you haven't and-"

"I'm not going." Everyone turned to look at Blaine with surprise, "I refuse."

"Blaine you _have _to go, you have to repent before it's too late."

"When he gives me a reason to go I will, this year has been hell for us and… I stopped praying."

"Blainers," Alyssia cooed softly, "why?" Blaine turned his hands over in his lap, the lack of contact suddenly putting miles between us; I knew Blaine prayed, it was a comfort thing more than a religious thing but still important.

"Blaine," I whispered, getting much too close for Tabitha's liking, "please answer?"

"When… After… ahem, after Holly's funeral, I… Excuse me," Blaine stood up and walked out the room, I watched him go, he caught my eye and nodded for me to follow. I stood up and tried to figure out the large house, I had only been here a couple times and it was easy to get lost in the drawing rooms and dining rooms and studies.

I padded up the curled staircase, past the old paintings of relatives and smaller photographs of Blaine when he was younger at music and sport competitions; Alyssia's attempt at making it seem more family-like here.

"Blaine?" I called out across the landing, briefly being distracted by more family photos especially one of Blaine around 7 or 8 playing catch with his Dad… I tried to force back tears and block out the shouting from downstairs and moved on, finally finding a door with a sign saying 'Blaine's room, keep out.' I pushed the door open slowly and was hit by the overwhelming smell of Blaine, his room was dark blue, with a large window and a windowsill full of photos, his desk was incredibly messy and clothes were crumpled on the floor but it was all so _Blaine._ As I picked up his Dalton hoodie and brought it to my face, he came out of a door on the right side of the room, which led to the dressing room and bathroom; he jumped slightly at the sight of me.

"Sorry," he said gently, he looked pale and he kept tugging at his cuffs but I didn't really pay much attention to it, "that was so awful."

"Yes but I'm glad you invited us, I missed you," I finally closed the gap and pulled him into a kiss, it was full of the sexual and emotional desperation we had been ignoring. "Please, take me, please," I begged breathlessly into his neck and we fell onto the bed, our hands and mouths exploring each other like it was the first time. Our hands went to pull each other's shirts off and we both flinched away.

"What's wrong?" He said his hands on my thighs, the tightening in my groin was growing but I was suddenly afraid of him seeing me like this…

"I… I've changed, since the last time we had sex…"

"I know?" He smiled sweetly and kissed my neck again.

"No," I moaned helplessly, "I mean, you loved me pregnant and I'm not anymore… I have these scars and…" I sounded like an idiot.

"Kurt you're beautiful no matter what, I know what happened and it's going to be hard but lets try and not be negative OK?" I nodded and let him take off my clothes, my heart beating furiously with nerves and arousal as he kissed my body all the way down to the pink scars, which he traced with his fingertips.

Faint sounds of voices could still be heard but I was too lost in Blaine's touch, his tongue on my skin, his hands holding my hips, the way he slowly undressed me keeping eye contact teasingly.

"Say my name," he breathed as he kissed my thighs, avoiding my erection completely.

"Blai- Blai-" I tried to form his name but he had found his lube and it had been so long, "oh God," I closed my eyes and found myself completely lost. "Blaine, fuck me, fuck me!"

"Of course," he fumbled for a few seconds to get the condom on before easing into me carefully, "are you OK?" I nodded slowly, I couldn't open my eyes but reached forward to hold onto his exposed shoulders, the fabric of his shirt was pushed away but still there; I would have asked why if I could have.

"Oh Blaine, oh, ah, oh my god," I began to get louder and louder.

"Shhh, you have to, be, to be… Fuck, silent Kurt!" He kissed me deeply as I moaned into his mouth, not caring at all that someone could walk in on us, just caring that he was inside me.

"I, I don't want, to be, Blaine!" I growled loudly with a smile, "there, there!" My fingernails dug into his tanned skin and sweat dripped from him onto me, one of his hands gripped my dick and coaxed me over the edge.

"Oh Kurt, yes," he buried his head into the crook of my neck as we tried to get closer to each other, though that was impossible; when the convulsions of orgasm slowed his chest hit mine. "I, love, you."

"I love you too," I whispered, enjoying the heat, the heavy breathing, the smell of us… Until my hands found his shirt fabric and I was reminded he hadn't taken it off. "Blaine why didn't you undress?" He pushed away from me, slowly, playing with his shirt cuffs again. "Blaine?" I sat up and grabbed onto him, "what's going on?"

"Nothing baby, nothing, I'm just feeling a bit…" he paused and his eyes flickered to the door, "get dressed."

I pulled on my jeans and red zip neck jumper on, carefully undoing it enough and folding the collar as the door opened quickly revealing Alyssia looking quite distressed.

"Um, are you two alright?" She didn't really want to ask that question but she wasn't sure how to say what she needed to, "we've got them quiet, finally. Could you hear it?" I blushed slightly when Blaine shook his head, "good, good… Well Tabitha is going home, thank Lucifer."

"Am I leaving?" I felt about five-years-old right now, "how's my Dad?"

"Pissed," she laughed, "no, you don't have to leave if you don't want to. I've told your Dad you should both stay, have a drink, it's pretty late to start driving home anyway." I glanced at Blaine's Aladdin clock on his bedside table _21:37_.

"Thank you; I'll go talk to my Dad," I stood up and winced, I forgot what post-sex was like sometimes, especially when we lost ourselves. Blaine's fingers fell from mine and I realised he wanted to stay and talk to his Mom so I left them to it.

"Kurt I think we should go home," Dad said as soon as he saw me, he looked exhausted, probably from shouting so much.

"But… But why?"

"I need to talk to Carole, get out of this house, that John isn't good for my blood pressure. Blaine can come back with us but I need to go," I nodded and he grabbed his coat and keys as I went into the hallway.

"I won't come, I'll see you later OK? I have a lot to deal with when my Dad gets back and it won't do any good to leave it." He kissed me, a slight bite behind it and his hand ran through my messed hair, there was something he wanted to say but we both knew this wasn't the time.

"Come back as soon as you want," Alyssia hugged my Dad and me, "sorry it was such a disaster today."

"It wasn't a disaster," I smiled, "I just need to be there for Blaine more than ever now… Please look out for him?" She nodded and waved us goodbye, as Blaine stood quietly next to her. I hugged him tightly and got into the car; my hands went straight to my stomach, Blaine had used a condom but I still wondered, maybe it would fix us, maybe it would make it all better.

**Happy Coming Out Day (11th Oct. USA/12th Oct. UK)**

**Got so many alerts right after posting, hope you liked the three in one go! Trying to bring up the chapter length so I hope you enjoy :)**

**Reviews are love.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Short one but I hope you understand, longer ones to come soon!**

It was early December and I was playing with the diamond band on my finger as Rachel did her vocal warm ups for the Westside Story rehearsal, I hadn't gotten the part of Tony, that was Finn's but I wouldn't let that keep me out. I was helping out backstage, set, props, lighting, makeup, anything to keep me busy.

"La, la, la, laaa," her voice was beginning to hurt my ears; the splitting headache I had wasn't helping with the situation. "Kurt how do I sound? Am I there yet? I feel like something is missing…" She ruffled through the sheet music and I sighed heavily.

"You sound perfect, as per usual Rachel, why are you so hung up today?"

"I'm not hung up, am I?" I just looked at her, "oh fine, I think Finn and I are going to that _that _step and soon." I blinked confused, was Rachel Berry really saying this to me?

"What? Rachel you're kidding me?"

"No, and I know you're an expert in this department-"

"Huh? Surely Santana or Brittany…"

"No, they know how to sleep around but you know the art of _making love," _I laughed into my coffee, "why are you sniggering like that?"

"Because you just said _the art of making love_, it's the funniest thing I've heard all year!"

"Kurt please!" She smiled quickly but recomposed herself, "please… I'm scared."

"Why?" I moved towards her taking her hand, "if it's what you feel is right why would you be afraid?"

"Because Finn has done it before! And… And sometimes I wonder if he'd be with me if I put out," she looked at the papers in her hands with a slight embarrassment, Rachel Berry was vulnerable for once and it was strange.

"Finn isn't like that," I said softly, "I promise. He really likes you anyone can see that! If you're not sure then talk to him, nothing is more important than communication and, well I'd hate for you to get hurt just because you feel like you had to do something. I may not show it but I quite like having you as an honourary sister-in-law," we giggled into each other and she reached forwards to examine my ring.

"I can't wait 'til your wedding Kurt, you deserve it, to have a husband and a family…"

"We both do, we both deserve everything we want but it's not that easy is it?" It was easy to confess these things in the silence of the auditorium, "just think about NYADA and performing Broadway."

"I'll talk to Finn some more, I'm better than throwing myself away because I'm scared," I hugged her tightly.

"Exactly."

* * *

><p>Another twinge in my lower abdomen made me fidget in my seat, I felt my Dad's eyes on me though so I went back to playing with my food.<p>

"You OK son?" I nodded vigorously, "sure? You need to eat something, you didn't eat yesterday either."

"Didn't know I was on food watch," I snapped, "sorry, I'm just not feeling well. I'm gonna go lie down." I washed up my dish and disappeared downstairs to run a bath, the twinges had started about 3 days ago but I hadn't paid them much attention. I undressed in front of the mirror, was I bloated? I shook off the thought and kept my hands away from my stomach as I added some jasmine to the water before climbing in and relaxing into the heat. I missed having Blaine's firm body behind me and his arms on my swollen stomach, we hadn't been very intimate since that awful dinner at his house; he was still avoiding getting undressed in front of me and I just couldn't think why.

"Fuck," the shooting pain lasted a few seconds longer before fading into an ache, then another and another, soon I curled up against the pain and whimpering. I finally pulled myself out of the water to get dried and get some painkillers but noticed the water was tinted pink; I put my hands to my thighs and found bright red coating my fingers. "DAD!"

* * *

><p>"Kurt? What is going on?" Dr Straud looked flushed when she appeared at my bedside, "it's barely been three months?"<p>

"I don't know, I don't know," I whimpered, "I thought it would help, I thought it would get better…"

"What is he talking about Doc?" My Dad's voice was frantic and laced with anger, he was so sick of hospitals, of worrying about his family.

"I don't know, Mr. Hummel could you step back please?" She was calm but I could tell she was rather angry at me as well, but why should she? This isn't her business, this is mine, this… I want Blaine. _I want Blaine! _But it didn't come out of my mouth, instead I faded out into peacefulness.

"What the hell Anderson?" I could hear my Dad shouting in the corridor, but I didn't open my eyes I wanted hear this, "how could you two do this?"

"Sir, please, I don't know what's going on! I promise!" Blaine sounded panicky, "please Sir, please can you just tell me something?"

"Look, he," my Dad's voice dropped almost too low to hear, "apparently it was another miscarriage."

"Oh my God, oh my God I didn't… We didn't… I mean, we were so careful, I didn't want this, not so soon."

"I know, the doc thinks it was a grief reaction, trying to fill the empty space? It's not your fault, but you two need to talk; they want him in therapy for God's sake!" I winced, my Dad sounded so defeated; I hadn't meant for this to happen, it was supposed to be OK this time… I curled around myself again and tried to fall asleep, I just wanted this to be over, I wanted my baby; I wanted Blaine to be happy.

* * *

><p>"Kurt can you please talk to me?" Blaine said from the seat opposite me, we were in a brightly painted room with weird psychological paintings on the walls and a big window facing a snow covered garden. "I'm not angry at you."<p>

"How?"

"Because I understand why you did what you did, I just don't know why you didn't talk to me," the genuine pain in his eyes was hard to look at.

"What was I supposed to say? I wanted a baby?"

"Do you?" I paused slightly and sighed.

"No. I want Holly and I panicked, I panicked because you won't get undressed and because I still feel empty after all these months." We sat in silence for a few minutes, trying to figure out where we were going to go from here, "Blaine I don't think I can do this anymore."

"What do you mean?" I saw something flicker behind his eyes but he didn't elaborate so I pulled off the sparkling diamond band and held it towards Blaine who froze. "Kurt don't, please, we can make this work," he fell to his knees and crawled towards me, "I love you!"

"I love you too but I can't do this Blaine! I can't look at you and see how much pain you're in, how you won't talk to me, how every time you touch my stomach I want to cry… I can't take another miscarriage."

"We can be extra careful…"

"No Blaine, we won't be, we're 17 years old! I want to have amazing, spontaneous sex without being scared shitless I'm going to have a dead child in the next month." Tears rolled down his face but he didn't shudder or whimper, "I'm so sorry Blaine."

"So this is it? We're done forever?" His voice was absolutely broken but he was still going strong.

"No, not forever, at least I hope not. I want us to stay in touch, we were friends before we were lovers and I know it will be impossible to go back but, but I hope it will be OK." He smiled sadly and kissed me deeply, he took the ring and pulled off his own and gave it to me.

"Keep this, one day you can give it back to me at the altar…" Then he walked out but not before I looked into his dark hazel eyes and saw nothing of the Blaine Anderson I had fallen in love with there.

I sat in that room quietly feeling more alone that I ever had in my life, I didn't know where I was going from here, what more did I have to look forward to? Working my ass off to get into NYADA, meeting a new guy, falling in love, explaining my past… That was life. I would busy myself with Finn and Rachel's relationship, I would… Do anything to keep me from falling into the absolute darkness that was creeping up on me, that threatened to consume me after Holly died. I wondered if Blaine had felt it too; the memory of finding his antidepressants in the cabinet at Dalton and finding out his history of depression wasn't just history… I wanted to jump up and run after him but I knew I shouldn't, I had to stay apart from him for a little while, like he said we would be giving these rings back one day. I'm sure of it.

"Hey bud where did Blaine go? He looked pretty angry?" My Dad walked in looking confused, we were supposed to have an hour alone together before anyone came in.

"I just broke up with him."


	6. Chapter 6

**4 years later. **

"Hey Kurt I think we found someone to compose for you!" Emmy, Emerald Moses my best friend, bounced into the room with her Blackberry glued to her ear.

"Finally! I thought we were going to have to do it ourselves," I sighed into the mess of paper on my desk, "and we all know what happens when I try to write music." Emmy laughed and fell into the bed with a thud, we were in my dorm and NYADA and I was trying to get my play script finished so we could take it to the composer, whoever they were.

"Well he went to Cambridge," _like Blaine_ I though sadly, "came back early... apparently he's taking his finals at Columbia... didn't say why."

"Brainbox then?" I laughed, "what about his music?"

"Wrote a couple musicals with the theatre department, they were good, plays violin, piano and guitar…" She was reading off a CV that was well crumpled in her hands, "we're desperate Kurt and he sounds perfect!"

"Fine, fine, when are we meeting?" I wanted to collapse under the amount of work I had to do for school but this was my _future_, this pile of crap on my desk was everything.

"Tomorrow? We need to get a move on; we're graduating in two months!" Fuck had it really been four years already? "I said we'd go for lunch after class so make sure you're ready. Also your boyfriend was asking after you in jazz band," she winked playfully, "you two need to get together soon, the sexual tension is killing me!"

"Funny, I don't know, Jeremy is sweet but-"

"No buts! You've been single pretty much all the time I've known you!" Emmy sat on my lap and hugged me tightly; her sweet voice could have made me do anything she wanted except for date.

I had been in a relationship every year but they hadn't lasted more than 2 months, I had slept around more than I planned on doing so but there were so many dates that made reminded me of the past. November when Blaine and I made it official, May when I found out I was pregnant, September when I lost Holly, December when we fell apart and of course my Mom's anniversary. I had dropped a couple sizes since I was 17 which was pretty scary, Carole was adamant on feeding me up and so was Alyssia Anderson but I eventually stopped going round and her worried phone calls also ceased.

Blaine had gone to Europe after he graduated from Dalton, he spent a lot of time in Italy and had come home for Christmas, which we spent in a desperate sex haze but parted, even more broken hearted and he applied to Cambridge. It had killed me he went across the world but I knew it would help get over him; we stopped talking after his first semester and during my longest relationship with a guy called Markus. I had had two miscarriages over the past four years but didn't tell anyone, one at a couple weeks and another at 3 months. I knew I shouldn't have kept it quiet but time passed and by the time I had any courage there wasn't a point to it anymore.

_Hey Kurtie wanna grab some dinner tomorrow? 3 – R_

_Sure, I'm meeting with a composer at lunch; probs need a drink after that! 3 – K_

_Good, see you at 8 at Gio's? – R_

_Sounds like a plan. – K_

* * *

><p>"Urgh I don't wanna go!" I pouted to Emmy as I dumped my book bag and pulled on my new teal overcoat and redid my hair, "I swear it's such a waste of time."<p>

"Shut up girl pants; imagine if he's perfect? Imagine if he can make this," she waved the scripts, "into a show!" I smiled at her enthusiasm and gave in. We walked down to the café a couple blocks down, the March air bit my face but I tried to keep my hopes up, this was our last shot to have a job when we graduated that wasn't completely humiliating.

"Just going to the bathroom," I said as Emmy grabbed a table, "get me a white chocolate mocha?" I had decided I needed to gain some weight before my parents put me in a hospital.

When I came back someone with long dark curls was sitting opposite Emmy, he was sitting very still even though Emmy was laughing animatedly.

"Oh Kurt!" She jumped up, "Kurt Hummel this-"

"Blaine?" My mouth fell open in complete shock, there he was, standing in front of me with his hair grown out, his hipster glasses pushed up too far and a messy tight jersey top and frayed jeans look that the old Blaine would never have touched.

"You know each other? Why didn't you say Kurt?"

"You never told me his name…" I couldn't stop staring at him.

"Oh well lets sit down," I did what she said without too much thought, "how do you know each other?" I swallowed deeply and shifted uncomfortably.

"We used to be engaged," He said coolly, we kept a steady gaze and I started to blush, I had _those_ butterflies in my stomach; holy shit I had a crush on my ex-fiancé!

"Oh shit…" Emmy paled slightly, "so this isn't happening?"

"Who said that?" Blaine's voice had lost its innocent undertone, it was lower and harsher, he had probably taken up smoking – the thought of which turned me on so much I nearly whimpered. "We're grown ups aren't we?"

"Perfect," Emmy carried on talking about the production, explaining everything while I occasionally agreed but mostly just stared at the beautiful boy in front of me.

His dark hair was in messy curls framing his face, his black-rimmed glasses emphasized his strong square jaw, his eyes were much darker than I remember, he looked tired and very serious. There were frown lines that I didn't remember but I guess he was a fresh faced 18 year old the last time we saw each other. His clothes were frayed and he played with the cuff of his jacket compulsively and his gaze kept catching mine.

"Kurt," his voice quavered slightly, it was the first time he'd said my name in who knows how long, "this is amazing." He motioned towards the paper in his hands, "of course I'll do it, anything with this boy behind it will be a masterpiece and you seem like a wonderful girl too."

"Yes!" Emmy held up a hand and I smacked it playfully, "we have been looking for you for like two years."

"So have I," but his eyes were stuck on mine and I felt a swirl in my stomach that made me nervous but so excited.

We exchanged numbers and before I went to leave he grabbed my wrist, I felt my body relaxing into him but quickly caught myself and faced him with a strength I didn't know I had.

"How are you?" His voice was so gruff and sad, "this is crazy."

"More than crazy… Yeah I'm OK, I'm surviving you know," I smiled softly, "how about you? You've changed so much."

"Yeah," he laughed, "weird how I went to the poshest school in the world I come back looking like a tramp huh?"

"I like it, I've never seen your curls before," I reached forwards to run my fingers through them but pulled away quickly, "I have to go, I have a dinner with Rachel."

"Really? Wow you still friends with her? How is she? How's Finn?" He was so desperate, I realised that he had been away from everything he knew for years, trying to escape the pain I caused him.

"They're good, they are, she might be auditioning for this if she has a break in her schedule but I'll give her your love and maybe you guys could catch up." He smiled broadly, the old Blaine shining through, "I should get going..."

"Yeah same... wait," he held my hand softly, "I'm really glad I found you again."

He walked away lighting up before turning around and waving, the sight of the smoke curling around him in the chilly wind and the goofy smile on his face made my heart melt into my stomach.

"I'm in so much trouble."

* * *

><p>"Hey!" I hugged Rachel tightly when I entered the restaurant, "Mom? Dad? Mr. and Mr. Berry? What is going on?" The presence of the parents completely threw me, I was looking forward to drinking too much and telling Rachel all about my run in with Blaine today but I guess it could wait.<p>

"Sit down, sit down! We just wanted to have a family meal is that so wrong?" She said innocently, God that girl was good looking.

"No but Rachel we all know you don't just arrange family meals…" Everyone laughed and Finn poured me a large glass of wine and gave me the 'brace yourself' look.

"OK, fine, well…" She paused dramatically and Finn beamed happily, "we're getting married!" A chorus of 'oh my god's' and 'no way's' answered her, I glanced at the princess cut diamond and felt myself welling up.

"Wow Rachel, when did this, ahh excuse me! When did this happen?"

"Well just three days ago! I wanted to tell you straight away but you know with work and everything I guess this is just a nicer way instead of calling everyone up!"

"Finn, you didn't tell me you were planning on doing this?" Carole said wiping her tears away furiously, "ahh! You know what this means," everyone looked at her, "grandkids next!" My heart flipped over in my chest but I kept the smile on my face.  
>"Well, since both of us are doing so well with our work we're planning on waiting but you never know," she was smiling so much I'm sure her face must be hurting by now.<p>

The wedding would be next July, a big, over the top number that would suit Rachel perfectly and Finn was way too proud of himself to even care what happened. The rest of the evening was loud and happy, I did drink too much but I did my absolute best to keep Blaine a secret for tonight, I caught up with my parents and told them I found a composer but not who it was. If they knew Blaine was home they didn't tell me and I was glad, I didn't really want to think about how I felt about him being here and working with me.

"Rachel I'm so happy for you," I hugged her as we left the restaurant to take a walk a few hours later, "I knew it was just a matter of time before Finn popped the question!"

"Thanks, I just can't believe it's happening! Everything feels so right," she was dancing along the pavement happiness radiating out of her.

"Remember when you asked me about losing your virginity?" I giggled, "you were so worried!"

"And rightly so, Finn and I waited until graduation and look, we're engaged!" She slowed and rested her head on my shoulder, "you should really try to find someone you know."

"You're drunk," I laughed trying to deflect the statement.

"Just a little! And so are you, so its fine. Anyways! Kurtie you've been single for like three years, those stupid flings of yours don't count, you need someone, someone who's good for you."

"What about Blaine?" She stopped abruptly and gave me a curious look, "he's back in New York and I kind of… hired him as the composer for my musical."

"Oh shit Kurt why?"

"We're desperate Rachel and I mean it's _Blaine!_ Three years later he randomly turns up in New York when I'm looking for someone to write my music? Come on!" She smiled sadly and held my hand tightly.

"Be careful Kurt, I know you two were in love but you broke up for a reason and a big one at that. If you're going down this road then you better be prepared to pick up the baggage as well," she had matured a lot in the last few years and I was glad; high school Rachel Berry would have died in this industry, this Rachel Berry was a leading lady on one of the best shows on run at the moment.

"I've been careful for the last three years Rachel," I sighed, "I need the old me back."

**I want to be all dramatic with my author's notes but I just sound like a twat so review and make me happy :) **


	7. Chapter 7

"For fucks sake Kurt! Blaine worked really hard to get these ready for us!" She threw a CD case at me with surprising force and I barely managed to duck out the way as it clattered into the wall behind me. "What happened with you two? Why did you never mention the fact you were _engaged_?"

"It never came up…" I couldn't look at her, "fine. I just didn't want to talk about it, it was the Christmas before I started here and we were still trying to be friends and… I don't know I didn't want to talk about it OK?" She nodded slowly but her pale eyes had a touch of annoyance in them. "We were so in love, we were so perfect…"

"And?" Her brashness was endearingly painful.

"And… things fell apart, that's what happens in life right?" She ran her hands through her hair and hugged me tightly.

"Well that's the past, can you please focus on our future before we don't have one?" I nodded the tears away, I couldn't tell if she didn't care or if she was just angry I hadn't told her about Blaine before. Emmy left to go to dance class and left me to try and finish my essay on 90's Broadway but I kept glancing at the CD that was lying on the desk, cracked and pathetic looking. _A bit like you huh?_ I growled and grabbed the CD, pushed it into my laptop and played the first of four songs.

My heart dropped when I realised it wasn't Blaine singing, I tried to remember his voice, his soft tenor tones singing Teenage Dream or Somewhere Only We Know…

"Blaine, hi," I jumped as I picked up the phone and tried to wipe the tears away even though he couldn't see me, "what's up?"

"Not much… Are you OK? You sound like," he paused, "I mean… I'm fine, just wondering if you've listened to the CD?" My heart tightened, he hadn't asked me how I was in years.

"Yeah actually just finished! It was good, I mean obviously it's a pretty early version and we'll have more to do but, Blaine you're so insanely talented." That quality in my voice I hadn't heard in a while began to creep back in, the same soft way when I felt completely comfortable with Blaine.

"Thanks… I've gotta get to class this afternoon but if you want to meet up tomorrow and discuss this…"

"Blaine," I sighed deeply, "this is strictly work OK?"

"I know! Look I didn't come back to worm my way back into your life Kurt, this happened by accident and I think it would be good for us," I could hear him smiling and suddenly a pang to see him struck me.

"Fine, I'll meet you for lunch."

"Awesome! Bye!" I buried my head in my hands and screamed; life just won't quit will it?

* * *

><p><strong>September<strong>

_The first week run of the NYADA students Kurt Hummel and Emmy Moses' musical 'Tertium Non Datur' or 'A Third Is Not Given' gave New Yorkers something to gossip about this week. _

_Co-written by 22-year-old Kurt Hummel and Emerald 'Emmy' Moses in their final years at NYADA the classic musical theatre student clichés are riddled throughout the intense and dark coming of age play. You can't escape the obvious teenage angst that is slathered on generously in between the beautifully composed musical numbers written by Blaine Anderson – Celebrated at Cambridge for the last three years, he's come home and thank God! Blaine's classical background and modern twist makes the musical's two and a half hour show time far more bearable. Now for the singers…_

"It could be worse…" Rachel said warmly over our weekly lunch date, "I mean they gave it 3, your first play!" I gazed at her tiredly, "well you know, you could always _be _in it."

"What? You can't be serious."

"Why not! You're obviously what's missing!" She had that evil glint in her eye, "I really think it could work."

"Sorry but you also thought that horse sweaters looked good-"

"That was _High School Kurt! _I've matured since then and in my mature opinion I think you should stopped denying yourself your dream!"

"I'm living my dream!" I snapped, "this is more than I thought I would be doing straight out of college!" She sipped her red wine delicately; her big brown eyes were full of sympathy that I didn't want, my heart was already in a constant state of spasm with how closely Blaine and I had been working. I suddenly had a thought, "I have a much better idea."

* * *

><p>"No." Blaine said firmly without glancing up from his music sheets, "I don't do performing anymore."<p>

"Why?" I squeaked and he snorted, "come on Blaine, you have one of the best voices I've ever heard and your stage presence is unmatched!"

"Kurt…" He sighed.

"No. No, I know you performed at Cambridge and I know you were amazing so will you just fucking do a read through at least?" I shouted and he stared at me, glitters of gold were laced through his brown eyes and something was behind them, something I hadn't seen in the last few months.

"Fine, just a read through, don't fire anyone yet OK?" I clapped my hands excitedly and hugged him, our bodies curling into each other with such ease that it was like we had never been apart. We held each other for far longer than we should of, "Kurt…"

"Sorry," I jumped back even though his voice didn't sound worried, more like… _Don't think like that Kurt._

* * *

><p><strong>Blaine's POV.<strong>

"To Blaine," Emmy said with a glass of champagne, "and his fantastic body- I mean voice!" It was October 11th and since I took the part in TND and things had blown up beyond anything I could have imagined; my performances had been receiving rave reviews for the past month and we had just been upgraded to the Jesabell Theatre on West 51st Street.

"Emmy you know enough champagne and you might have to keep your distance," I winked playfully and kissed her sloppily on the cheek, "thank you darling!" Everyone cheered and downed their bubbles, especially Kurt who I knew didn't even like champagne but it wasn't my place to ask, it wasn't my place to ask anything anymore. I busied myself talking to Finn but dodged away when Burt came in my direction, bumping into Gabriel Langmir.

"Hey Blaine," he slurred slightly but I didn't know if that was because he was slightly drunk or if that was just how he spoke, maybe he was always drunk, "dance with me!" The heavy beat of the music relaxed me slightly and I let him pull me into the mass of hot bodies already dancing. His arms around me since he was a good 6'3 compared to my pathetic 5'7, holding me tight, I could feel his toned chest on my back and my skin shivered. Over the last three years I hadn't had a relationship but sex, sex I had had lots of. I spent most of my trip to Italy limping but I found after the third foursome I stopped imagining Kurt's hands and Kurt's long legs and-

Gabriel spun me roughing and his lips crashed onto mine, his strong arms holding me in place but they didn't need to, I was used to kissing strangers like lovers. I could hear people giggling and cooing at us but I didn't care until we pulled apart and the taste of alcohol and Gabe's spicy saliva was replaced by a much sweeter scent. The subtle scent of lilacs that is the dash of Elizabeth Hummel's perfume, the clean smell of expensive hair gel and the lasting tang of something so uniquely Kurt. I followed the scent and found Kurt's big blue eyes, something that hadn't changed over the years and in them found that look, the one I had run away from and then he turned and walked away.

"Kurt!" I stumbled after him not realising how drunk I had gotten, "Kurt! Fuck, fuck…" I held onto a random person and a string of apologies tried to form but Kurt had already disappeared out the back. When I finally caught up the cold air smacked me and so did Kurt's soft hand, the pain shocked me but nothing shocked me more than Kurt kissing me. "What-"

"Shut up and kiss me," I smiled into his lips, our tongues meeting and falling back into a rhythm I'll never forget, "oh God Blaine," he moaned as I dipped onto his neck, finding his spot after just a few clumsy seconds.

"Come back with me," I whispered, his body tensed and he looked into my eyes searching for something, if it was the same as what I wanted; peace.

"I don't," he frowned, he was drunk, "I want to, I've wanted to fuck you since, since," I licked the milky skin of his chest and he growled.

"Then do it." My voice was rough from the smoking habit I had picked up in Italy, I hated it but right now it seemed to be driving Kurt wild and that's all I could ask for.

"We shouldn't," he whimpered softly, his forehead rested against mine and our eyes found each other's, "we can't…"

"Why," I held his waist, "don't you remember how well we knew each other?" His knees shook and I held him up, pulling him towards the curb and flagged down a cab; the driver tried to keep his disapproving frowns towards the road as Kurt and I groped each other desperately but I still felt something I hadn't in a while: judged.

I helped him up the stairs to my apartment, I was still fuzzy around the edges, fuzzy enough to think that this could be a good idea but sober enough to know I'd remember this tomorrow. I suddenly wanted to stop Kurt, to put him into bed and get him an aspirin and a glass of water but he was on his knees before I could do anything. His delicate hands fumbled with my belt and I pulled off my top, my jeans fell to the ground but he paused by my boxers. I looked down and found him sucking his lip nervously.

"Hey," I tilted his chin, "what's wrong?"

"I… You're, so beautiful," he dragged down my underwear and ran his fingertips over my thighs lazily; he looked up and opened his mouth like he was going to speak but instead engulfed the head of my cock.

"Oh Kurt," I whimpered, my fingers in his hair as he bobbed up and down steadily, his tongue expertly finding the spots I loved until bucked my hips and he gagged but it turned me on even more. "I'm gonna…" He sucked the length and pulled off with a pop before repeating until I was shaking underneath my own weight. A knot formed in my groin and I whimpered loudly, Kurt pulled away and looked up mischievously, he licked the tip slowly and I came in long waves over his perfect face.

My knees gave out and I slid down to the floor, watching helplessly as Kurt licked my mess of his fingers; I grabbed his shirt and pulled him into a deep kiss. The taste of me on his tongue brought back all the nights we spent together, all the yelps of pleasure, all the heated touches, all the desperate attempts to be silent…

"I've missed you Kurt," I whispered into his ear, his big blue eyes shimmered in the scarce light and his face suddenly sobered.

"I've missed you too."

**Enjoy!**

**Also forgive me for making everything up around addresses/work/reviews and all those details, I'm making it all up so please don't make fun of me! :D**


	8. Chapter 8

**Quite a long one, lot's happening :D **

"So you and Gabriel huh?" I asked nonchalantly as I could while watched Blaine smoke at the window of my bedroom, the streetlights giving his skin an orange glow that only he could make look sexy and mysterious.

"Me and Gabriel?" He glanced at me lazily, inhaling deeply.

"Well you two look pretty chummy at work, I just thought maybe something was going on?" I sounded so pathetic but Blaine just smiled brightly.

"He's young, he has a thing for me and a tight ass, who am I to say no?" I drew circles on the bed sheet trying not to look like I cared, "but he's not really my type… relationship wise." He was looking at me attentively and his voice has raised slightly.

"I don't really care, just curious." I sighed and rolled onto my back realising how tired I was, "are you leaving soon?"

"Awh Kurtie, kicking me out so soon? I thinking we could go again," he flicked the butt of the cigarette out the window and climbed on top of me, placing messy kisses all over my neck and chest. I tried to speak but a string of breathy exhales only followed, he laughed and found my lips; fuck why did this boy taste so good?

"I'm tired Blaine, go home," I said but his hand found my hard on and began to palm me.

"Not all of you apparently," he chuckled darkly, "come on, I'll do all the work." I sighed closed my eyes and hating myself more than ever

* * *

><p>The sunlight was way too bright and I couldn't figure out why until I became aware of the empty space next to me and the cold air coming in from my open window. <em>Fuck you Anderson. <em>I jumped out of bed and slammed the window shut, pulled on some underwear and a tracksuit for jogging (after a couple years I gave up trying to look good in New York winter), completed my bathroom routine and went to grab some breakfast.

"SHIT!" I nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw Emmy standing there in a with a cup of tea and last night's clothes on, "Emmy you scared me! What are you doing home?" She looked at me from over her mug, her eyes were cold and examining me closely.

"I came home earlier," I glanced at my phone _06:18, _"I wanted to go on your run and talk…" I stayed silent despite my confusion; I didn't need or want an Emmy blow out this early. "You know I thought we were best friends, I wanted to tell you that I'm moving in with Myles and I felt so bad about leaving it so late but-" She paused and took a dramatic sip of her drink, "this morning you'll never guess who was leaving our apartment building?" My heart dropped to the floor.

"Look Emmy I'm sorry," I stepped forward but her eyes kept me back, "I'm so sorry that I didn't tell you but I didn't know how-"

"Shut up Kurt!" She spat, "you make me feel so shitty about hiring him, about everything you went through! You acted like such a prick and now you're fucking him!" I couldn't speak, I just gaped at her, awkwardly flipping my phone in my hands. "Kurt will you please explain to me?"

"I can't," I whispered, "I just didn't want anyone to know."

"Stop acting like a teenager Kurt, I'm twenty-fucking-three," she growled. "I'm sick of this, you don't let anyone in, even Rachel and…" She paused a took a deep breath, "when I said I'm moving in with Myles, I meant in Rome."

"_What?" _Emmy, in Rome, with Myles, what? "Rome? Emmy you don't eat carbs!" She smiled briefly at my thought train but recomposed herself quickly.

"I love you Kurt but Myles has been offered a job on the design team for Vogue Italia…"

"You're kidding?"

"Well as an assistant but they really like him…"

We stood in an awkward silent for a few moments, her eyes flickered behind me a few times and finally I followed them to see the corners of suitcases peaking out from her bedroom door.

"So you're going pretty soon?" I tried to sound cheerful but it came out weakly.

"Next week," she said, her smile was sad but genuine, "we wanted to get all our stuff together so we could decided what to take." More silence.

"How long have you been angry at me?" She looked surprised at the question or how calmly I asked it, I wasn't sure.

"How long has it been since I actually slept in this apartment?" She laughed and I walked forward to hug her tightly, "Kurt I'm sorry."

"It's OK, I'm sorry too, you did get me through college after all."

"I couldn't have done it without you, really Kurt, but you know life doesn't always workout as smooth as you want; people grow apart."

"So when, when will you be all out? You want some help?" It felt so awkward asking one of my best friends of four years if she needed help leaving me for another continent.

"No, no Myles has everything covered," she finished her drink; the clatter on the surface top was so much louder than it should have been. "You still up for that run?" I nodded enthusiastically even though all I really wanted to do was curl up and eat some ice cream, what was I going to do without her? I couldn't run the show by myself, it would be just me and… _Blaine._

"Hey Kurt?" Emmy said as she grabbed her hand luggage from Myles very empty apartment, where I was seeing them off from a week later, "take care of yourself OK?" I nodded and hugged her, not even caring I was crying into her shoulder, "I'll call you when I'm settled, you have to come visit a-sap!" I smiled and almost said _you know Blaine speaks Italian, _and it made me cry harder but thankfully only I would really know why.

* * *

><p>"Are. You. Fucking. With. Me?" I growled as my Dad looked at me sternly.<p>

"Kurt please, watch your language," he snapped.

"I'm 22 Dad I can say whatever I want," I refrained from swearing again though, it wasn't my Dad's fault he had no clue.

"And that excuses you from manners?" He said bluntly and I just gave him a pointed stare, "you _will_ be polite to the Andersons, they're going through a rough time at the moment."

I sighed deeply, John had had a heart attack a couple weeks ago and although he was doing better Alyssia was still quite shaken up and Carole had offered to help her with the Christmas dinner. I had planned to go to Italy but my Dad cancelled my flights, how I'll never know, and I had no choice but to come home for Christmas break. Thankfully Rachel was now part of our family and could help keep me sane during the two days at the Anderson household.

"Fuck my life," I sung loudly as I could when Rachel and Finn arrived on the 23rd, "fuck EVERYTHING." My Dad rolled his eyes and smacked me round the head with a magazine, something that he had started doing when I left for college and he decided I was old enough (or annoying enough) to physically discipline.

"How I've missed you Kurt," she barely had time to take off her shoes before I pulled her downstairs into my old bedroom, which I had fought tooth and nail to keep after my Dad told me he was converting it to a poker room or something equally shit.

"Good because you're going to be sick of my voice by the time we go back!" I slammed my door for effect and pushed her onto the bed, "Christmas is going to be hell."

"What? You and Blaine have been getting on fine for the last six months! What's wrong now?" She had no idea about mine and Blaine's secret trysts (which were much less frequent, aside from the occasional drunken blowjob…)

"It's not Blaine," I was only half-lying, "it's-"

* * *

><p>"Tabitha is upstairs praying…" Blaine said with rolling his eyes and flashing a cute smile as he let us in, "MOM!"<p>

"Kurt!" Alyssia hugged me tighter than I had been hugged in a while, "oh you look amazing!"

"Thanks you too," I wasn't lying but she certainly didn't look at good as she had the last time I saw her two years ago; forgotten hair appointments, botox sessions and late nights weren't a good combination.

"Something smells amazing," Finn said loudly pushing into the kitchen and looking at the dishes Carole was serving up.

"Away!" She slapped his hands, "we'll be sitting down in like ten minutes Finn!" He pouted and fell into a bar stool heavily.

"Mrs. Anderson can I just say how beautiful your home is," Rachel said brightly, "I can't believe I've never been here before!" I glanced at her, "well I've never been _inside _as a _guest_." Blaine snickered at her obvious discomfort and caught my eye with a look that made me feel extremely nervous and turned on. I tried to turn back to the easy conversation the others were holding but we couldn't stop glancing at each other, I bit my lip nervously and he sighed deeply. He began to close the space between us when his Dad and Tabitha entered the room loudly.

"Let's get this freak show over with shall we?"

* * *

><p>"Blaine Anderson don't you walk out on me!" Tabitha shouted across the table as Blaine began to walk across the kitchen to the utility room, before he disappeared he jerked his head to ask me to come with him and suddenly I found myself following him. We went through the room and out into the snow covered garden, out of sight and ear shot from everyone else.<p>

"For fuck's sake," Blaine growled lighting up, "why is this so fucking difficult? I don't understand why you even came, I would have been on the first flight to Rome yesterday morning." He smiled up at me with his light eyes, they had slowly become more like how they were in high school, losing the serious undertone of sadness to them.

"Yeah well, my Dad knows how to send me on a guilt trip," I watched him inhale with blatant fascination, all the nights coming back to me in a pain flood. "Can I have one?" He stared at me for a few seconds before pulling a thin cigarette from the box and handing over.

"I don't blame you to be honest, it's a miracle you aren't already addicted to this shit like I am…" He lit it for me and I inhaled deeply, coughing and spluttering inelegantly, "oh it will get better, here," he put a hand on my chest, "breathe in twice, once into your mouth and then here," here tapped my sternum. I did as he said and although it hurt I didn't cough, I blew the smoke into his face and he rolled his eyes at me playfully.

"Has she gotten any better?" He nodded in the generally direction of the kitchen.

"Is worse possible?" I laughed, "I mean seriously what is her problem? Your Dad looks so ill, the stress must be hell for him-" Blaine has stopped smiling, I took his hand, "sorry… I know what you're going through, it will be OK."

"Yeah that's what everyone says, just because you're walking and talking doesn't mean you're OK though does it?" There was that edge to his voice that he developed after we broke up, "sometimes I want someone to say 'you know what, it's not OK, it's going to hurt like fuck, so you know prepare'… or something." He took a long drag and stubbed at the cigarette before lighting another.

"Blaine," he looked at me with raised eyebrows, "what you're going through is going to suck, for a really long time. Forever in fact. It might not be OK, you'll never forget it and you'll never really get over it _but _Anderson's are strong people. Your Dad is going to be fine, your Mom is going to be fine and Blaine, you _are going to be fine_."

I didn't even mind how cold his fingers were when they were on my face, in my hair, when his lips were biting mine and his tongue was hot against mine. I kissed his chin, his ears, his neck and his hands fumbled over my body; we were freezing but too lost to care. He put his hands on my thighs and I pushed away suddenly.

"Blaine we need to stop this," I could feel myself welling up, "I can't, I can't do it anymore."

"Kurt we've been fucking for months," he tried to sound casual but I knew him better than that, he couldn't hide his emotions around me.

"Exactly." I looked at the snow trying to hold back my tears, "well no, not exactly, I _can't _fuck you, I never could. Every time you touch me it's more than that, every time we kiss it's more than that, every time you look at me," I looked at him, "just like that." He blushed and dropped his gaze to the floor, I tilted his chin up and stared into his golden eyes. "Every time you stayed longer than you needed to after sex, or we went again even though we had work… And every time I woke up and you were gone. It killed me, all of it, every single time and knowing to you it was just _fucking, _well hurts the most." I swallowed and we sat in silence for a while, while he processed my outburst, it was the first time we had ever talked about our emotions since we had started working with each other.

"Then will it help to know it was always more to me too?" I shot round to look at him, "Kurt even I'm not into sex that much!" He laughed throatily, he was getting sick, "I just wanted to spend as much time with you like we used to and every time you kicked me out I wanted to cry." Silence again.

"So…" I said, "what now?"

"I have no fucking idea, we go back inside, get shit faced, fight with Tabby some more, have amazing sex and pretend today never happened?" We both giggled and before that would have been exactly what I wanted but after Emmy moving away to Rome and seeing Rachel and Finn together I needed more than that.

"Not today Blaine," I stood up and brushed the snow off my jeans, "I'm done with letting you play with me."

"Then let me be with you." I stopped but didn't turn around, "Kurt please, why can't we be together again?" I stared at him speechlessly, every reason raced through my brain but then disappeared and these words were allowed to be spoken.

"We can."


	9. Chapter 9

**Blaine's P.O.V.**

"Umm we'll do dessert later," my Mom said as she fluttered past me, "oh my God Blaine go put a hoodie on or something!" I stroked my arms, I was pretty cold but I didn't really care all I wanted to do was curl up on the couch with Kurt like we used to.  
>"Let me help you," Rachel bounced up and helped with the dishes, Finn on the other hand was already disappeared into the lounge to fall asleep after eating insane amounts of food.<p>

"Dad?" I asked quietly, my Dad was staring into nothing with a very intent look on his thin face, "are you OK?"

"Yes… But could I borrow you and your Grandmother for a few minutes?" My heart jolted but I nodded and got everyone to leave the kitchen with drinks to go and watch some crappy TV.

"Now I know that things have been… difficult lately and I thank you both for being patient and understanding," he was speaking slowly and carefully, like it was a lot of effort. "But," he looked at me sternly, "I wanted to talk to you both about something that I've been thinking about since I was in hospital." I glanced at my Grandmother, she was looking at my Dad in a way she had never looked at me, it was purely soft and caring; my chest tightened slightly but I shook it off. "I thought I was going to die."

"Dad, don't talk like that-" I began to say but he held up a hand.

"I thought I was going to die and it made me think, if I had died that day I wouldn't have been at peace with the life I've lived."

"You know why that is," Tabitha said confidently, "you haven't been close enough with-"

"My son." No one ever cut up Tabitha Anderson, especially not her son; she recoiled slightly and turned to look at me. "Blaine," he reached across the table and motioned for my hand which I gave him cautiously, we had never done anything like this, "you spent your whole life trying to make me proud and I let your sexuality stand in the way of me telling you that you didn't need to try so hard. That every A, every race you won, every-"His voice broke and tears stung the back of my eyes but naturally my Grandmother had to ruin the moment.

"Jonathon what are you trying to say? That his sexuality _isn't _something that needs to be addressed? Are you sure you're feeling alright?" Her voice was harsh but laced with humour, as though my Dad's emotions were a joke to her.

"That's exactly what I'm saying Mother, Blaine is more than we could have asked for in a son and it's taken me nearly twenty-two years to see that and I'll never get over the guilt."

"You mean the guilt for allowing him to live his life like this?" She was getting more and more agitated now she realised he wasn't joking.

"Like what?" I asked harshly, "what about my life is so wrong Tabitha?"

"When was the last time you went to church? When was the last time you prayed?" She raised her eyebrows, "you are living away from God and that will always be wrong."

"Just because I'm not a Catholic doesn't mean I'm living away from God," I said but I didn't look at her, "I'm living the way I want to, I feel at peace with myself." I was lying and when I looked at my Dad I knew he could tell as well but neither of us said anything.

"I can't accept that Blaine," she said bluntly, "you're trying to make excuses for your failures and you've sucked your Father into this little game-"

"What game!" I shouted suddenly, "please just tell me why you think I deserve to go to hell!"

"You don't," she said softly, "you just need to be enlightened, to find God and his ways! Blaine I've tried so hard with you and I was expecting this little rebellious stage to phase out when you grew up."

"_Stage? Dad are you listening to this?" _ I said desperately, "for years she's been sprouting this crap!"

"I know son, I know," he looked so tired, "Mother can you please just shut up?" I smirked slightly; even when he was trying so hard my Dad just couldn't be rude to the woman. "I love Blaine, I'll love him and whatever lovely man he ends up marrying and if that means that you don't come round here then… so be it."

"So be it? _So be it?" _ She looked furious, "its that boy, that disgusting little fag! I knew he was trouble for the minute I heard about him!"

"Kurt? You're blaming this on Kurt?" I laughed, "you really are fucked up in the head aren't you?"  
>"BLAINE!" She shouted, "DO NOT SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT!"<p>

"I will talk to you with respect when you treat me with some!" I shouted back.

"Blaine calm down," my Dad said coolly, I stood up and moved away from the woman, she was making me so angry. "We don't want to get too wound up here, I just wanted to clear things up with us and next year it will be different. Next year I'm hoping that birthdays, Easter, Thanks Giving and Christmas won't mean emotionally preparing ourselves for weeks before." Tabitha sat quietly, it was unnerving to not hear her readily made biting comment but for her to sit there, just sit there.  
>"I think I'm going to need a drink," she stood up and made her way towards the liquor cupboard, pulling out some brandy and pouring a large glass.<p>

"To change," she downed the drink and disappeared from the room quickly.

My Dad and I stood in the silence for a few moments trying to understand what had just happened before bursting into laughter; I had never seen my Dad doubled over in laughter before, not like this and it felt good. When we had recovered and he walked over to me and wiped the tears from my face.

"I'm sorry Blaine, I'm so sorry it took so long for me to do this," his eyes were the model of mine, clear and strewn with dark amongst the hazel.

"I'm sorry I never had any faith in you," it felt good to have my Dad on my side again, sure it couldn't erase all the years of cold stares, of ignoring me for days, of not telling me he loved me since I was twelve but it will get there one day.

"Hey what's going on here? Tabitha looks like she just saw the Devil," my Mom stopped suddenly when she saw my Dad and me in such close proximity. "John? Are you OK?"

"Yeah, in fact, I'm great," he smiled brightly and hugged my shoulders before going over to my Mom, "I'm sorry I never saw it before."

"Saw what?" My Mom asked innocently, occasionally looking at me in confusion.

"How controlled I was by what my Mother wanted, rather than what was best for our family."

"Oh my God John," she threw her hands around his neck, "it's OK, it's how you were raised, you've been the best father you knew how to be." I stood quietly watching my parents share an intimacy I had never seen shown in front of me, watching their 25-year-marriage still so strong I thought of Kurt and went to go find him.

"Hey," he smiled softly and my heart flipped, like it had every time he had smiled at me since March, "everything go OK?" He glanced towards a very tipsy Tabitha who was trying to convert a very polite Rachel from Judaism.

"Yeah she's just drunk," I smiled; I went to scoot in next to him when I noticed Burt watching us closely, I couldn't tell what he was thinking but I felt 16-years-old and picking Kurt up for the first time. "Alright Mr. Hummel?" I asked lightly to try and ease his tension but he still kept his eyes on me harshly.

"Yeah, been a funny day hasn't it?" He didn't sound amused though, he just glanced between Kurt and me suspiciously but he didn't say what was on his mind.

In fact no one spoke what was on their mind for the rest of the afternoon, conversation was pleasant and light, funny and sometimes a little forced but it lightened considerably when Tabitha passed out around 7:30.

"Hey Finn still hungry?" I laughed as I walked in on Finn eating left over's on the counter, it was oddly fascinating to watch him eat roast potatoes and Christmas cake one after another.

"Don't tell Rachel," he said glanced over my shoulder, "she's trying to get me 'fit'." I ran my eyes up and down Finn's body, he looked in good enough shape but Rachel's perfectionist ways wouldn't let Finn get away with anything.

"Of course not bro," we both stopped at the familiar term, "um so you had a good day?"

"Yeah, yeah, your Grandma is fucking crazy though! I thought Kurt and Burt were overacting but fuck," he pushed some more food into his mouth,

"'eel 'rry f'r ya," I couldn't help but laugh at his attempt at talking and how Kurt would practically gag if he was here.

"It's OK, she's normally worse," I decided I would join Finn with some more dessert, brandy cream was one of my weaknesses you know.

"How?" He said.

"Really? She made them send me to conversion therapy when I was fourteen, she makes me go to confession every time she's here, she sent me to church camp one summer, she gives me books on 'how to save my soul'" I sighed. "It's a big pain in the ass."

"Well if anyone knows about ass pain…" He said absentmindedly, "did I really just say that?"

"Yeah," I laughed, "you haven't changed a bit you know that?" His big smile had always made me feel relaxed, you couldn't be anything but comfortable with Finn Hudson.

"Good thing?" I nodded, "ah well thanks; you've grown up a lot."

"Really? I don't feel like it," I sighed into my food, "I feel the same as did at 17."

"Maybe it's because you're still in love with Kurt…"

"Are you drunk?"

"A bit, can you say you're not?" I laughed at his bluntness, "seriously Blaine though, it can't be healthy what you're doing to yourself?"

"No, it's not but I don't know what to do, he'll never take me back," I lied coolly, the truth was far worse.

"I don't know about that-"

"FINN! WHERE ARE YOU? I WANT YOU FINN!" Rachel's drunken calls sounded through the hall way and I motioned for Finn to leave, as he did he clapped my shoulder and gave me a 'careful' look.

_Buzz_

**Matthew Barlow**

_Buzz_

_Buzz_

"Hey," I answered just before it rang off, "happy Christmas babe."

"Happy Christmas!" His voice was high but not as high or as smooth as Kurt's, probably what would happen if Kurt smoked forty-a-day, "I miss you."

"I miss you too, I'm sorry I couldn't come down there, you know how it is with family," I didn't really understand how I could lie so well.

"Yeah I know sweetie but I haven't seen you in months! I need you back in my bed," his voice dropped to a growl, "all the things I would do to you Anderson…"

"How much have you had today?"

"Not nearly enough," he sighed, "Mom is still trying to convince me it's not too late to go to med school and-" Matthew kept on talking but Kurt had come into the kitchen and I found myself tuning him out.

"Hold on," I said quickly bringing the phone to my chest, "you OK?"

"Yeah, just… I need chocolate you know?" Kurt's big blue eyes scanned the food before giving me that 'tell me' look and I pointed towards the secret stash.

"You better feel lucky," I smiled, "I don't just give anyone my secret chocolate," he brought the Terry's chocolate oranges to me and carefully opened one before smacking it on the counter top.

"Thank you," he kissed my cheek fleetingly and I blushed, "I don't know if I'm tired or bored," he continued, obviously not noticing my phone, which I placed on the counter.

"Both?" I offered and he nodded, "I want to go out but I really can't find the energy; I just want to curl up on the sofa, with some good chocolate, wine, Love Actually and a warm body."

"Haven't you got a TV in your room?" He said softly, moving in closer and my breath hitched slightly.

"What are you suggesting?" He jumped off the stool and towards the chocolate cupboard, placing something of everything he could find on a tray and picking up our oranges before giving it to me. Kurt then walked off and bent into the wine rack, my eyes surveying his perfect behind. "Kurt what are you doing?"

"Well good chocolate," he pointed at the tray, "good wine," he lifted up the bottle, "I'll go get the DVD and," he put a hand on my face, "I'm a warm body."

"Kurt really? You know we'll be in bed… together…" He kissed me deeply, "OK."

"I'll get the movie, you go up stairs," he walked off with a roll of his hips that should have been illegal, once he disappeared I remembered my phone.

"_Shit. _Matthew?" Silence. "Matthew?"

"What was that Blaine? What's going on there? Who the fuck is Kurt?" Matthew's angry voice made me want to shoot myself but I took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry, no one, just a family friend," I rushed the apology, "baby I have to go but I'll be there soon enough, just us two, yeah?"

"I can't wait! I've never lived with someone before…" He was rather cute when he was nervous.

"Neither really," I said coolly, "I've had roommates but come on, it's me and you, it's gonna be great.

"OK see you soon baby, I love you," I swallowed deeply, Matthew did _not _love me but he didn't know that, he was so naïve.

"You too."

I hung up and a deep feeling of guilt settled in my chest, what I was doing was so wrong but I couldn't keep away from Kurt, he was like my addiction. I had tried to replace him with sex, cigarettes, alcohol, music, anything but nothing could replace the feel, the smell, the taste of Kurt Hummel and I was about to relapse again.


	10. Chapter 10

"Yes, oh my God Blaine, yes!" I arched my back into his hands, his nails digging into my skin deliciously, "fuck, oh, fuck," I was trying to say something more eloquent but I just couldn't. My thigh were wrapped round his waist, my hands clawing his shoulders while he held onto my back tightly; he was in so deep I couldn't even think properly.

"Oh Kurt," he moaned into my neck, "how are you so fucking tight," I loved that he could speak while we had sex.

"Mmmmm," our sweaty skin was slapping noisily but I really didn't care, everything was heightened tonight after knowing that Blaine still cared about me. "There, right, there, oh yes," he was almost perfect with his aim, going harder and faster right in that spot that made stars appear behind my eyelids.

"Are you close? I'm so close," he growled deeply, "come with me, come with me," he was shaking beneath me, biting his lip and trying to make himself last for me.

"Come and I will," I whispered and that was all it took for him to release himself deep within me, "oh Blaine," we both moaned roughly into each other. "Stay." I held onto his shoulders and he ran his fingers up and down my sweat covered back in a comforting way that he used when I was pregnant.

"I'm not going anywhere but I can't stay inside you baby," he laughed softly and I sighed lifting myself off him, "much better, now we can snuggle." We faced each other, the bright moonlight giving just enough glow so we could still see, he looked more content than I had seen in him in while but more than that _I _felt at peace with what had happened.

"Did you think we'd ever be here again?" I asked, "in your bed, at Christmas…"

"I used to, I'd always hoped it would end up like this but I never truly believed it," he drew patterned on my exposed arm gently, his eyes examining my face carefully.

"I thought you'd hate me after what I did to you… I hated myself," I began to speak but I didn't really know what I was saying until it came out, "I just couldn't take it anymore."

"I know…" he sat up suddenly, "Kurt I need to show you something…" My heart flipped suddenly and I sat up too, staring at him harshly in the dark light, "just keep calm OK?" I nodded but I was barely calm now, what could he possibly have to show me?

Blaine leant back and flicked on the lamp, my eyes squeezed shut at the sudden light.

"Fuck Blaine," I growled rubbing my eyes but slowly my eyes focused again and saw what I was supposed to, what Blaine had been hiding for the last five years. "Oh Blaine…" I reached forwards and stroked the scarred arms softly, his limbs were covered wrist to shoulder in long dark lines and thin white lace. I could have stared for hours, taking in the absolute purity and horror of what he had been struggling with since Holly's death. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"How? I was supposed to be over this shit, I was supposed to be recovered Kurt! Do you know how embarrassing it is? How embarrassing this is?" I began to cry fat tears as he spoke, "I was so humiliated that you were strong enough to even try to fix us and I was spiraling."

"I wasn't strong though Blaine," I whimpered, "I was in so much pain-"

"Please, don't tell me, please-"

"You have to know!" I begged, "we need to move forward if we want to-"

"To what? Be together?" He said harshly, covering his exposed arms quickly and turning away from me.

"Blaine come back," I pulled him towards me; unrolling his arms and kissing slowly from wrist across his collar bone and down the other arm. "I'm sorry," I whispered, "let me fix you, let me help you… Blaine I love you and I always will."

"I love you too," he said quietly, "and it fucking sucks!" We both laughed and kissed deeply, I kept my fingers playing with his arms to remind him it was OK but I'm not OK. I wasn't OK with his scars, not because of how they looked but because they meant I wasn't there for him, no one had been there for him when he needed them the most.

"We'll make it," I said softly as he curled into my chest, "it will get better. I promise."

* * *

><p><strong>New Year's Eve.<strong>

Samuel K. March had one of the swankiest apartments in New York, he was a big investor in the theatre circuit and after offering me a place on his new show had invited me to his New Year's party (plus whoever I wanted of course.) I took Rachel, Finn and Blaine; the happy couple had no idea about what was going on between Blaine and I. We had wrapped up the show on the 29th December and we had been cool about our impending relationship, but I was getting restless and planned on bringing it to light tonight.

"Oh Kurt!" Mitsy, Samuel's barely-twenty-something girl greeted us at the door, her skimpy gold dress was barely covering the essentials but I tried not to judge.

"Mitsy, darling how are you?" We kissed on both cheeks and she began to rattle off some dribble about something or other as she led us into the giant penthouse suite.

"So enough about me, who are your friends?" She was so full of teenage energy, the 'I-was-head-cheerleader-not-even-two-years-ago' attitude was still enough for her self-esteem.

"Oh this is Finn my step-brother, his fiancée Rachel Berry and my good friend Blaine Anderson," she wiggled her eyebrows but didn't say anything.

"Well welcome! Have a good time! Get a drink, you know the mojitos are to _die for_- ISABELLA!" The girl was friendly enough but had the attention span of a gnat… and a brain damaged gnat at that.

"Oh my God Kurt do you know who that is?" Rachel hissed, "Marylise Carmen! Do I look OK?" She began to smooth her perfect hair and reapplied lip gloss before walking off and leaving me to stand awkwardly with Blaine.

"Drink?" I finally said.

One drink became five, five became more than I could keep track of; midnight came around quickly and at ten to Blaine pulled me from the crowd onto the balcony.

"Kurt we need to talk," I was too drunk to read his voice properly, "I haven't been completely honest with you…"

"Oh Blainie keeping secrets are we?" I moved in closer but his eyes dropped to the ground guiltily and I sobered quickly, "what is it?"

"Kurt I'm moving," I stared at him, "I'm moving to San Francisco with Matthew…"

"Who the fuck is Matthew?" I said not caring how angry I sounded.

"He's my-"

"Your boyfriend?" I finished for him in disbelief, "I can't believe this Blaine! You have a boyfriend across the country that you just weren't going to tell me about?" He couldn't look at me, "you're insane! You told me you loved me!"

"I do!" He shouted back.

"How? How can you love me if you're doing this?" I didn't want to cry but the cold mixed with my emotions made it impossible, "we were going to be OK Blaine! We were-" I sobbed, gasping for oxygen amongst the icy air.

"Kurt I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to be like this," he began to beg but I had had enough of it.

"No, this is exactly what you knew was going to happen but you didn't care, you never cared Blaine! You always do this, you're only thinking of yourself and I'm _done._"

"Kurt…" he grabbed my arm but I pulled free with the last of my strength.

"You had so many chances Blaine," I said sadly, "I love you _so much _but it didn't matter did it?" I left the party without saying goodbye, as I closed the door to the apartment I heard the bells for midnight ring out, everyone cheered and laughed but it just hurt even more.

I collapsed on the sidewalk waiting to see a cab pass by, during the cold minutes so many people walked by, happy, laughing, drunk, enjoying their night. I thought about what had just happened and how five years later Blaine Anderson was still managing to make me cry.

* * *

><p>"Wow…" Rachel whispered into her skinny latte, "that's… wow."<p>

"You can say that again," I said. It was three days later and we had finally recovered from our hangovers enough to go out discuss what had happened, I ended up telling Rachel about mine and Blaine's affair and what he had said over Christmas.

"I don't understand why Blaine would behave like this?" Rachel sighed, her big eyes full of confusion.

"Because he's a selfish prick maybe?" I smirked at her but she just gave me puppy eyes, which made me gag, "don't try and defend him Rach."

"But Kurt, don't you think it's a bit well… _odd?_"

"It's a bit dickish, but odd, no I can't say I do," the venom in my voice was so thick it almost hurt to hear it.

"He didn't tell _anyone _about Matthew, I don't think even Alyssia knew," I glanced at her curiously, "he never once mentioned going to San Francisco and we'd had a conversation about moving to the west coast a couple times…"

"Oh really?" I raised my eyebrows, "you leaving for your secret lesbian lover too?" She giggled and shook her long brunette hair playfully.

"Shut up and be serious for a second?" I put on my best 'whatever you say mistress' face, "so Blaine goes to one of the best schools in the world and he just ups and leaves a couple _weeks _before graduation, he takes a job with you despite spending the last four years desperate to get over you, he then starts an affair with you, tells you he loves you and that he wants to be with you then fucks off to San Francisco with his boyfriend without a word to anyone?" I stared at her blankly, hearing it so plainly made me think there _must _be something fishy going on but I was still too angry at Blaine to start making excuses for him.

"Well what do you think? He's changed Rachel, that's what people do, especially after Holly; he didn't deal with it well and-"

"And you _dumped _him because of it!" She cried loudly, people around her turned to stare at us and I just wanted to die, though that might have been the stomach ache I had. "What if there's something going on there? He tried to deal with his grief and he didn't know how and the person he loved dumped him and he had no one," I gaped at her, "no offense but that is what happened. So he locks up, goes to Italy, has copious amounts of sex with strangers, starts drinking and smoking and changing his looks, goes to a school where he knows he'll have to work hard 24/7 and doesn't have time for his emotions."

"Rachel are you listening to yourself right now? What are you a shrink? Well your powers of deduction are exquisite but what if Blaine is just full of shit?" I said this but my brain was doing at a million-miles trying to fit Rachel's theories into reality, trying to make Blaine into the selfless, adorable, giving boy that I fell so hopelessly in love with.

"Then he's a wanker and we can go on leading our lives sans the stupid prick, but Kurt," she looked extremely worried, "I really think you two need to talk." She dipped into her handbag and pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to me.

_Dear Rachel Berry, you are invited to Blaine's 23rd birthday party._

_5th February, 8pm_

_Blaine and Matthew's_

"Blaine and Matthew's? Are they twelve?" I said cynically, "I'm not invited anyway, _you are_," she rolled her eyes comically.

"Yes but Finn can't get off work so _you're _my plus one." Sometimes I hate Rachel Berry.

* * *

><p>"Happy birthday!" We shouted when the door opened, Rachel rushing in and hugging Blaine tightly but I just gave him a polite smile, more than I could have managed three weeks ago.<p>

"Rachel! Kurt! Oh my God, I wasn't expecting you guys to come!" He looked so happy to see us, genuinely, until he looked at me and everything came back.

"We wouldn't have missed it for the world," I said coolly.

"Yeah! Finn is at work but he sends his love and here," she pushed her brightly wrapped present into his arms, "presents!" I handed mine over; inside the immaculate black paper were the new McQueen bowties that will kill Blaine when he sees them. What says 'you can't hurt me' morethan designer accessories?

"Oh hello," a blonde guy, a fair bit taller than me with horrible indie shaved sides and an oversized fake diamond in one ear, "who do we have here Blainers?" I nearly lost it when he called him _Blainers_, Alyssia would have an aneurism if she heard this wannabe hipster all over her son.

"Oh Matthew this is Rachel Berry, Broadway super diva and Kurt Hummel," he paused, "playwright extraordinaire," I nodded at his questioning look and he gave a wide smile. "We've been friends since high school," he added sweetly.

"I'm Matthew, I'm a dancer," he said smugly before turning his cold brown eyes on me, "Kurt, I know that name?" He knew what he was doing.

"Yeah well like Blaine said we've been close for years," I said trying not to snap, "we've worked together most of this year and our families had Christmas together…"

"Ohh getting close with my man are we?" He was clinging to Blaine teasingly, "I don't mind some healthy competition."

"Right," Rachel said loudly, "there any drinks at this shindig or what?"  
>"Yeah this way," Blaine jumped quickly; he shot me a quick look of apology and whispered something to Matthew who just giggled and slapped his ass.<p>

"He's delightful isn't he?" A blonde girl said next to me in the kitchen, she was mixing up something blue.

"Mmm, _delightful_," I murmured, "hey what is that? Looks good."

"It's super strong, I call it a Sapphire kiss, want-" she flicked back her hair and smiled up at me suddenly stopping her sentence.

"OH MY GOD BRITTANY!" I squealed and lunged forward hugging the slim girl tightly, "what the hell are you doing here?"

"Matthew is in one of my dance classes," she said, "when I found he was dating Blaine I decided it might come in handy to be friends with him and voila!" Brittany looked fantastic; she had moved to the West coast almost straight after graduation and had been doing a lot of music videos, the California life agreed with her.

"Thank God," I sighed, taking a sip of my drink, "oh GOD Brit what is this?"

"I don't know Santana used to make them for me…"

"How is she?" I asked softly, Brit and Santana's relationship had always been a confusing subject for me but Brittany was never to sensitive to indulge details.

"I don't really know, she's got a job as a Spanish teacher and really nice girlfriend," she smiled, "we're both happy and stuff so no biggie right?" I loved Brittany's outlook on life, maybe spending a few days with her would make me feel better.

"Exactly," I hugged her again, "now wanna show me some of your moves?"

"Sure thing, just wait till you see Matthew try to dance, I'm supposed to be teaching him and I think Lord Tubbington has more rhythm than that boy..." I laughed and let Brit take my hand and led me to the music where we were joined by Rachel and Blaine and unfortunately Matthew. True to her word the indie boy couldn't move to save his life but it just made it even more amusing, the whole night was so surreal.

**That's a lot in one chapter I know! I didn't know Blaine would come out like this and you might hate him but it's my story and anything can happen right? Also the document uploader page is super fucked up so until it's fixed I'm not attempting to upload anything :\ **

**Reviewww :) **


	11. Chapter 11

**Long one, hope you enjoy :) **

**Blaine's P.O.V. **

"Rachel what are you doing here?" I knew I looked like hell because I felt it, but anytime I talked to Rachel I couldn't help but smile, "come in."

"Thanks," she said quietly, "is Matthew in?"

"No, he left this morning, no idea how he was pretty hammered last night," I led her out onto the small terrace where I had a pot of coffee and some bagels out for breakfast.

"Everyone was," she smiled, "sorry for intruding but I kinda wanted to talk." Butterflies raced round my stomach, though that could have been the hangover.

"Oh, well, help yourself," I motioned towards the food, "and you have the floor."  
>"What the fuck are you doing here Blaine?" I stared at her in shock I rarely heard Rachel swear or talk with such force. "Seriously, Kurt explained what happened between you two and I don't understand," she softened slightly when I didn't offer a reply, "I just want to help." I nodded and swallowed deeply, I didn't really know what to say back at her and her massive brown eyes that could have coaxed out any secret she wanted but I didn't want to tell her anything.<p>

"I… I'm happy Rachel-"

"Shut up Blaine," she snapped, "I've seen you at your highest and your lowest remember and _this_ is something entirely different."

"Since when did I let you inside my head?" I didn't mean to be so sharp, "Rachel you have no idea what the last five years have been like for me and," I sighed, "you have no right to tell me what will make me happy."

"I'm not trying to," she said calmly, "I'm trying to make you realise you're making a huge mistake."

"How? Matthew and I have been together for nearly a year," I smiled, "it's good between us."

"Is that because he's such a loving person or because you haven't been in the same state for last nine months?" I couldn't look at her so I took a massive bite of peanut butter and honey bagel, hoping the answer would come to me.

"What are you expecting to happen here?" I finally said, "that I will come back with you and Kurt and we'll finally get our happily ever after? Even if I wanted to there's no way in hell Kurt would ever forgive me," I felt so sick thinking about what I'd done to him, "I was a prick."

"Yeah you were but he _loves you _Blaine, don't you understand that? Sure it was hard for you but you locked yourself away, Kurt stayed here and tried to carry on and that was one of the hardest things to watch." Why was she telling me this? "I always thought you would come back for him," said added softly, "after Holly I knew it would be hard but I never thought you would give up."

"I didn't give up," I growled, "don't you _dare _tell me I gave up."

"You did," she fought back, "you didn't know how to deal with it, you didn't know what to do with your depression and when Kurt couldn't deal with it either you gave up."

"I don't have to listen to this," I stood up, "please go Rachel. It was nice to see you but if you can't be happy for me then I think it would be best if you leave."

She nodded and stood up but instead of walking into the apartment she came extremely close and looked at me curiously.

"I didn't like you when we met," she said, "I thought you were pretentious, spoilt and sheltered, which coming from me means a _lot_. I thought you were just playing with Kurt because he was such an extremity compared to you but when you looked at him I saw that you loved him. When he was pregnant you were the man he deserved and I wish that didn't have to have changed." She walked past me like she had just told me the weather, where the hell was this side of her coming from? "Before I go, just answer this, why did you do this? Why didn't you say about Matthew and here, why did you say you loved Kurt?"  
>"Because I do," I decided to be honest, "I love him more than anything and for the record I <em>was <em>going to leave Matthew for him but-"

"But?"

"But after he told me how much I had hurt him, how much I had fucked up his life by being the way I am, I knew I couldn't do that again. I know this is the biggest fucking cliché in the world but I thought it would be better for him if I wasn't there anymore."

"Thank you for being honest," she hugged me tightly, "just realise you won't always fit into Kurt's life as easily as you have done." I closed the door behind the small brunette feeling like everything was turned on its head, she had known exactly what was going on in my head and that scared me. I had spent so many years burying my true feelings and a matter of months with Kurt had undone that all, so much so that Rachel Berry was at my doorstep telling me to grow up. I walked back out onto the terrace and fell into my chair, not really knowing what to do know that I was alone. I thought about the future and although I liked San Francisco it wasn't New York, I had tried to figure out why but none of the reasons I thought of mattered. Right now I knew though, it was the fact I was sitting here in an apartment that wasn't mine and Kurt's, that I came home to Matthew and his stupid haircut, that I hadn't heard Kurt singing in the shower for over a month…

"Shut up Blaine, you did this for him," I scolded myself and tried to make myself eat some more food but I couldn't do I decided to do what Kurt would and go down to the gym.

* * *

><p>My legs were shaking under me but I kept going, the physical pain was far easier to process, plus I had been letting myself go lately and a self-esteem boost might just be what I need.<p>

"Looking good hot stuff," Matthew's strong west coast accent made me jump, "you know you should really try and keep your toes pointed in."

"Hey sweetie," I said putting the weights down, "what are you doing here?"

"You don't look like this without hard work," he winked, "but you probably think everyone is born looking like you right?" I laughed half-heartedly; I was so not in the mood to be as happy as Matthew needed me to be right now."Wanna grab a shower together," he said seductively, if there was any pro to being with Matthew it would have been the sex, he had absolutely no shame.

"Have you even done anything?" I laughed but I was already holding his waist.  
>"Well I can always have two showers," I moaned throatily and allowed Matt to lead me in the showers, any looks or judgment that had been passed over us didn't phase me, my reason disappearing along with the blood flow to my head.<p>

"You're so tense," he stroked my shoulders with a bit too much pressure, "you've been on edge since your _friends _turned up."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked trying not to sound to eager.

"Just I don't like that Kurt guy," he said carelessly, "he's far to stuck up for my liking," he was kissing my skin, my chest and stomach lightly as he spoke, "and what is with Rachel's fringe?"

"I like her hair," I said, "and Kurt really isn't stuck up, far from it…"

"Whatever I can't believe what he bought you either, anyways want a blowjob or not?" It was the only time I could think of in my life that I had been preoccupied during a blowjob. Matthew knew his way around me perfectly, experience more than talent but still I should be growling and shaking but all I could think about were those _damn _bowties and how good they would look with the outfit Kurt picked out for me when we went Christmas shopping. When my mind came back to Matthew's tongue lazily teasing my tip I came so suddenly it yelped in surprised but bit down on my lip hard to keep myself from calling out something I would regret.

"No warning then?" Matthew spat, _Kurt never spat, way too unhygienic, _"oh well, I know how crazy I make you." I pulled him up and kissed him, the remains of myself on his tongue tasted bitter and I didn't blame him from spitting out.

"Ha you're so modest Matt-"

"Matthew," he corrected sharply, "you know I don't like Matt or Matty, so common."

"You're from LA, common is your middle name," I laughed playfully but he just looked at me darkly.

"Don't say that out loud, it's not good for my reputation."

"You're kidding me?"

"Do I look like I'm freaking kidding here Blaine?" He pulled a highly amusing face that was supposed to be his 'I'm serious' face and I snorted, "God you're such a child!"

"Am not!" I whined playfully as I dried off and pulled out my clothes.

"Shut up Blaine," he was touchy, even for him.

"Hey," I tilted his chin, "what's going on?"

"Nothing," he sighed and I began to get nervous, "just I really thought I was going to get the job this time you know?" I sighed in relief but quickly recomposed myself.

"Oh sweetie," I pulled him in close, "you should have said earlier."

"Yeah but it was your birthday and I didn't wan to ruin it," he blushed and I kissed him, he really was such a sweetheart when he wanted to be, "and it's not even that good, I can do better right?"

"Of course," I smiled pulling on my clothes, "you're going to be a star soon enough."

"You're so good for me, you know that?" I pulled him up and kissed his cheek, "shall we get something to eat?"

"Yeah how about-"

"I was thinking more that new vegetarian place? But you know I don't really like the new cold soup shit they have," he began to babble and I stopped listening but it was easy, I had been doing it for so long it was just part of who we were.

* * *

><p><em>Blaine: <em>

5:03am _Fuck. Why did I keep waking up this early? It had been five days since something shook me from my slumber at this ungodly hour and I needed to get to the bottom of it._

_Kurt:_

_5:03am _Fuck. I was so exhausted but somehow I managed to drag myself to the bathroom before I began to wretch hideously and painfully; it was the 5th day of this routine and I was beginning to hate my body more and more. I sighed deeply once I had nothing else to bring up and relaxed against the cold porcelain, trying to still my shaking body. I stood up slowly and gagged again but only bitter bile came out my mouth, my eyes streamed with tears and I fell back onto my knees heavily.

I must have fallen asleep there because my house phone ringing startled me, I jumped up and scurried to find it but once I answered my stomach flipped again and I had to rush back to the bathroom.

"Hello?" I whimpered trying to sound professional, "sorry I'm not very well."

"Hi Kurt," fuck it's Samuel, "it's Samuel here…"

"Oh how are you?" I sounded so pathetic.

"Well I would be better if my co-director actually turned up for work," _shit, shit, shit._

"I'm so sorry Mr. March, I'll be there right away, I've been sick."

"Yeah well sick doesn't make a show does it?" If anyone else had spoken to me like this I would have hit the wall but I just felt like shit, I suddenly found tears springing forth.

"I'm sorry, I'll be there right away!"

"You better." The line went dead and I got up, much more slowly this time, I got ready and was out the door twenty minutes later; don't ask how, I've never moved so fast in my life.

Other than nearly getting run over trying to hail a cab and my co-director ("Gregory call me G," says it all doesn't it?) disliking me even _more _now, I tried to apologise but he just gave me a look. I was feeling worse and worse as the day went on but carried on, I didn't have time to be ill at the moment if I fucked this up Samuel could take away any future I had working on Broadway again.

* * *

><p>"That's not it!" I shouted again, the male lead was <em>not <em>hitting the notes right and I was so close to throwing something at him, "here let me show you!" I stormed onto the stage and took his place, I hadn't been on a stage singing in years and when I looked out over the theatre I felt so right. My voice rang out loudly and clearly, I kept glancing at the boy who could barely be the same age as me but obviously thought he knew everything. When I closed the piece I stood there for a moment in the silence and someone started to clap loudly.

"I thought you were supposed to be directing Hummel?" Samuel's dark figure was instantly recognizable, "what are you doing up there?"

"Just showing them how it's done sir," I hadn't call anyone sir since I was seventeen and I still went around to Blaine's house and his Dad would occasionally cross our paths.

"Well I like it," he said in a low growl, "you're hired."

"WHAT!" Shouted the young boy, "you can't do that!"

"Why was Kurt singing your part in the first place?" I was in shock as I watched the boy storm off the stage and disappear into the darkness, I didn't know what to do or say I just looked round at the rest of the cast and tried to understand what was going on. "So carry on…"

"Wait are you serious?" I said in disbelief.

"No I was making a fucking point, Kurt do I look like I have the time to joke?" I nodded quickly and tried to recompose myself but I just wanted to scream with happiness. Maybe today wasn't totally shit eh?

* * *

><p>"Oh Kurt Congrates!" Emmy cried down the phone, "that's insane!"<p>

"I know! And I would never have done that if I knew he was coming in but that kid was just _frustrating as hell!" _ I laughed, "I feel so good right now."

"I bet! Oh Kurtie I'm so happy for you! And I'm so happy you called me," she was probably pouting at this point, "I normally hear stuff from other people!"

"I'm sorry, I've been busy OK?" I giggled, "I miss you, it's not the same doing this without you."

"Yeah well you're not doing too shabby without me are you?"

"How are you doing?" I asked softly, pacing my apartment trying to stave off my incredible hunger until we hung up.

"It's good, really good actually," she was sickening, "I mean Myles has ridiculous hours and it's kinda hard but I finally got a job, I mean it's nothing like yours, just assistant teaching drama and media… My Italian is appalling," a year ago Emmy would have laughed at that job but now… Now she actually sounded happy.

"Good, you sound like you're enjoying it," I shouldn't hate her.

"I am! We're going to get married in the summer and I'd really love for you to be there?" I should hate her.

"Oh my god! Casual much! Of course I will be!" I squealed through my jealousy, "tell me _everything_."

* * *

><p>Day 8 of puking and I was getting fed up with it, I pulled on my jeans and found they wouldn't do up even when I breathed in.<br>"The fuck?" I looked in the mirror and looked at my pale stomach, I ran a hand over it and my heart fell from my chest, "oh God no."

"Hello? Hi, my name is Kurt Hummel I'm looking for Dr. Melissa Straud? Yes I know she moved, I'm trying to find out _where_," I sighed, this was the fifth secutary in an hour and I was nowhere closer to finding out where Melissa was. "Sure, I'll call them… Thanks." I threw the phone on the bed and sighed, I didn't have work for another hour but I didn't want to go, I just wanted to cry and cry and cry until I woke up from this nightmare. I picked up the phone and decided I had to do this, I had to find Melissa and I had to make this right.

"Hello…" I sighed, "I'm looking for Dr. Melissa Straud-"

"Oh yes, what is your name?" The woman on the end of the phone said brightly and I sat up quickly.

"Kurt Hummel, wait she's actually there?" The shock in my voice must have put her on edge.

"Of course…" She sounded so suspicious.

"I mean just, I've been calling everyone! Where are you situated?" I crossed my fingers tightly.

"Hartford, Conneticut," I started to cry, "are you OK?"

"Yeah, just so grateful," I cleared my throat and smiled, "do you know when she has an appointment?"

"Sure…" I heard keys and strangely it comforted me, "Friday at 4pm?"

"Perfect," I agreed without checking my diary, this was more important than anything else and two days was a long enough wait for me anyways.

As I got ready for work I realised I wouldn't be able to do the play if I was right… If I was right then my whole life would change from this moment and I couldn't bring myself to leave the apartment.

"Come on Kurt," I whispered to my reflection, "you're stronger than this."

**I feel so bad for Kurt.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Sorry it's been so long! I haven't had any time to write up the next few chapters and I like to be ahead of myself so hopefully they should be going up more regularly again!**

"You know the drill," Dr. Straud said calmly as I lay down on the bed and rolled my shirt up exposing my stomach, how had I not noticed that bloating before? "Right here we go," she placed the gel and began to press on my abdomen heavily, "you've been alright so far?"

"Yeah I mean apart from being sick and all that fun stuff," my eyes were glued to the screen trying to pick something up before she did, "I've been too busy to be sick."

"Well you know I'm going to tell you to slow down right?" I sighed, "seriously Kurt it's hard emotionally to keep doing this but physically… Your body is not going to forgive you if you don't look after it this time."

"I know," don't cry, "just… I hate how this is happening, this isn't how I wanted this to be."

"What happened?" She asked gently, I could feel her eyes on me but I didn't look at her, I couldn't look at her while I admitted it.

"Blaine," I took a shaky breath, "he's changed over the last few years but my feelings for him haven't."

"I'm sorry," she said, "does he know?"

"No and I'm not going to tell him, he's with someone else, across the country-"

"That's not a good enough excuse Kurt, you know he'll be there for you."

"I don't know anything, I thought he loved me, I thought we were going to start again, that we would finally be together again and he moves in with someone else?" My voice was getting louder and louder until she put a hand on my shoulder, "sorry… I'm just angry."

"Understandable," she got back to the scan and a couple seconds later found what we were looking for, "see it?"

"Oh, yes," and this time I was telling the truth, "oh my God," and there they were hot, furious tears that had been welling since I made the appointment two days ago. "Melissa please don't let me lose this one, please, I need it," I could barely breathe at this point, I was giving up everything for this baby and the thought for there not being one in a few months was more than I could take.

"Kurt we're going to do everything we can but you have to help yourself, you have to tell your family, make sure your financially and emotionally prepared to be a single parent, if that's what you're planning on-"

"There's no if, Blaine isn't part of my life anymore, he made that pretty clear," she nodded slowly before continuing.

"Because you didn't come to the hospital after your last miscarriages I have no idea what caused them so it's going to just be keeping a very close eye on you, I'll get you a doctor in New York for emergencies…" I kept on nodding as she spoke and slowly regained control of my breathing and emotions, both hands on my stomach protectively, like it would keep my baby safe even though I knew better.

* * *

><p>"Holy shit," was all my Dad could say as he sat opposite me at the dinner table; I had come back Friday night because I just couldn't bear to sit in my apartment alone and ring my family. "I'm going to fucking kill that boy," he hit the table harshly and stood up picking the phone up and began to punch in numbers.<p>

"Don't you dare call them," I snatched the phone from his hands, "this isn't John and Alyssia's problem and I'm not telling Blaine. Just calm down would you?" He stared at me and sat down next to Carole again, who was suspiciously quiet all the way through. "This is a nightmare I know but I'm going through with and I need your help," I was shaking but I needed to speak, "I know I've asked a lot of you these past years but I can't give up this baby and-"

"Why not?" I looked at Carole with shock did she really say that? "Kurt I don't think this is the right move for you."

"Are you serious?"

"I just think you're not in the position to be a single parent," she was calm so I was calm, "and I don't think keeping Blaine's child is healthy for you."

"You're talking about my baby like it's a sweater Carole!" I squeaked trying not to scream, "I'm supposed to get rid of it because Blaine happens to be the father? I'm sorry but no one was opposed to that before now!"

"Before now he wasn't a lying cheat," my Dad added nonchalantly, "but," he continued, "you both have good points. I don't want to have to choose because Carole's right Kurt, I don't think this is a good move for you either but if it's what you want I will support you and my grandchild until the end." Carole looked conflicted as we both studied her, waiting for an answer to come, I could hear a clock ticking from the lounge and my whole body felt tense and edgy and I didn't like it.

"It's up to you Kurt," she finally said but she didn't look like she believed in it, "I'll help you along with your father but it will be so hard and I hope you know that."

"I do... Thank you," I left the room quietly and went to my bedroom, dived into my wardrobe and pulled out some trackies and a Dalton hoodie, both of which belonged to Blaine. Blaine had a thing for buying comfy clothes three sizes too big which was great when I came along, the trackies were swim team and had ANDERSON up one of the thighs while the hoodie was a generic Dalton one, I owned one but with the large B. ANDERSON stamped on the back I felt more at home in this one. I curled up in my old bed and wrapped arms around myself tightly.

"I'm going to look after you," I whispered gently, "I'm sorry Daddy isn't here but we'll be OK, I promise we'll be OK."

* * *

><p>"Thanks for coming," I held Rachel tightly, "I'm sorry I've ruined your Valentine's evening…"<p>

"Oh nonsense!" She smiled, "Finn says thanks, we have our whole lives to celebrate this god-awful holiday and I wouldn't rather be anywhere but here with you and some Ben and Jerry's."

"You're the best sister," I laughed and helped her shoved four tubs of ice cream in my already full freezer. "Well we knew that," she rolled her eyes before taking hold of my forearms, "how are you?"

"Don't Rachel, I'm fine," I sighed, "don't treat me like I'm going to break because I'm doing great, I feel great!"

"Did you tell Samuel?" My chest tightened and I nodded, "and?"

"And nothing, he was confused at first but he had to accept it and since the show is starting in like two weeks I'm going to do it until six months and then I'll swap out," I shrugged and rubbed my stomach softly, I was so excited to have a proper bump.

"You sound so grown up Kurtie," she said solemnly.

"You sound so sad," I replied, "you need to stop doubting me, this is hard enough."

"You know Blaine's been asking after you," I looked at her in disbelief, "sorry…"

"Why, why would-" I pulled out some chocolate icemcream and a spoon and disappeared, "URGH! WHY CAN'T HE JUST FUCK OFF?"

"Sorry, I just thought you should know he's thinking of you," I was halfway between hitting her and hugging her so I just shrugged, "maybe you should tell him."

"Rachel we've been through this, you can't tell me you think he deserves it?" I looked at her pointedly and fiddling with the remote so I didn't have to talk.

"I still believe that there's something wrong," she curled into me and put a hand under my jumper, "he loved Holly so much, I feel guilty that he doesn't know about this one."

"Well he should have thought about that before he fucked off with Matthew," I spat, "who is actually so awful by the way! I can't believe Blaine ever agreed to date that brat."

"He is pretty bad," she laughed, "his dancing!"

"Oh GOD, if you can even call that dancing! I think sophmore Finn had more rhythm," I felt calmer with Rachel's hands around me. "Kurt can I tell you something?" She sounded guilty and it made me nervous, "about Blaine…"

"OK."

"When I went to talk to him…" She took a breath, "and I was angry, I know I didn't show it but I was angry at him and at what he did to you, and he, he told me that he ran. He was going to stay but he thought that you didn't deserve to be caused anymore pain by him, he had fucked up with you so many times that the best thing he could do was get out of your life." She paused and looked at me, "what do you think?"

"I… Just…" I stared at her for a long moment, "Rachel leave," I said bluntly as her eyes widened. "Just please can you go?"

"Kurt I'm sorry but you needed to know-"

"Know what? That I drove him away? That it was my fault that Blaine isn't here right now? You know I'm doing this without him why would you tell me that Rachel?" She looked at me desperately, I know she was trying to help but I needed her gone so I could sit here and drown my feelings for Blaine in this ice cream. Rachel stood up and hugged me but I didn't hug her back, it was the first time since we left high school that I had been this angry at her and it felt so wrong to be so cold to her again. I watched her walk to the door and hesitate before opening it.

"I'll call round tomorrow when you're feeling better, I hope you know what you're doing." The door slammed behind her heavily and I just wanted her to be sitting next to me again, holding me and telling me that I could do this because she just told me Blaine is in love with me. Fuck, what the hell am I doing?

* * *

><p>It was late March and I was visiting Ohio again for my Mom's anniversary, I was in so many clothes despite the fact it wasn't even that cold today, I was just feeling particularly large and I didn't want anyone to see me like this.<p>

"I can't believe it's been 13 years," my Dad said from my side, "she's probably had a good old time watching us lately huh?"

"Mhm," I had her letter in my gloved hands, turning it in my hands, "she said she'd help me Dad."

"I know kiddo," he hugged my shoulders, "but you know, has it been that bad? Apart from the last few months I would say it's been pretty good." I nodded robotically, it had been pretty good most of the time I shouldn't complain, she had helped me through Holly's death - for some reason I hadn't fallen into the blackness that was at my feet, for some reason I had managed to get through it and I knew it was my Mom.

"Do you think she'd be OK with this?" I sounded like a ten-year-old again, scared for my mother's pride, confirmation she would love me if she were alive.

"She would always support you Kurt, I don't know what she would say but I think your strength and determination to take control of this fucked up situation would be right up her street."

"I wish I knew her better," I said, "it would have been nice to really talk to her…"

"You guys would have agreed on everything," Dad laughed, "I would have had no power in the house!"

"Well you can't say you had all that much anyways," I rolled my eyes at him.

"I know. And I know it was tragic but I always thought it was slightly funny I had a gay son and yet we still ended up with a teenage pregnancy," he smiled sadly at Holly's grave, "like we were destined to be different from every other family."

"We still are," I took his hand, "you're going to have a grandchild via your son, I think that's pretty special."

"I think you're pretty special," he kissed my head, "sorry that Carole didn't agree with you."

"It's fine, I don't even agree with me," I admitted quietly, "sometimes I just sit there and wonder why I'm doing this and I want to give up but I know it will get better as soon as the little guy starts moving."

"Just don't feel like you're in too deep OK? Your health is far more important than being in a show or proving yourself you got it?"

"I know Dad, I won't push it; I want this baby so much and I'll do everything to make sure it's healthy," we stayed there for a while talking things over like we did every year and I left feeling slightly lighter but still nervous. I had been nervous since I found out about this baby, I had been nervous about my job, about my sanity, about my whole future. When Blaine was by my side having Holly seemed like nothing, it seemed like that was how my life was supposed to turn out and everything would have fallen into place after that. I left a daisy on Holly's grave, the same kind that Blaine left at her funeral and turned to leave silently with my Dad.

My due date would be around her anniversary and I didn't know how I was going to cope with that. I didn't know if I should start to plan or not, if I should start to buy clothes and decided on a colour scheme for the nursery and that scared me more than anything. I decided to clear out Emmy's room properly and see what I could do it, no harm in looking at paints and patterns, something simple and classic, non-gender specific and beautiful just like Holly's should have been. I decided to get Finn in to help me redesign the room so I didn't have to worry about it, if I miscarried then I could lock the door and have someone deal with the room but if I waited till I was seven months I would never get it done.

* * *

><p><strong>Month later.<strong>

"It's looking great Finn," I smiled at the doorframe of the nursery, Finn had been painting for the last week, we had gone for a soft, pale yellow as the base colour, I didn't know what I was going to put on top but I liked the start. "Thanks for doing this, I owe you guys my sanity," I laughed and sipped my green tea slowly.

"Nah you're my brother it's cool, plus I like doing this I'm excited about being an uncle," he was such a gentle giant, I couldn't wait for them to have kids but I knew Rachel was still very strict on her career path and direction. "What are you going to put over this?"

"Not sure, maybe something fairytale based, you know princes and princesses and dragons and whatnot," I shrugged happily, Finn didn't know the meaning of pessimism and I couldn't help but feel much more hopeful while he was around.

"You've always been good at art," he smiled and then had a serious flicker over his face, "can I ask you something?"

"Sure?" I always loved to hear what Finn came out with but as we got older his questions started getting more serious and his sweet face was laced with embarrassment. "Well you know Rachel doesn't want kids till she's like 35 and that's like a really long time away you know?" I nodded and he wrung his hands frantically, "I was just wondering if you could talk to her?"

"Wait, have you?" I asked and he nodded, "but she didn't want to hear it?"

"Course not!" He sighed, "it's just when you and Blaine were going to have Holly I thought I want that… And what if we wait too long?" He looked so silly, all limbs, covered in paint with fear in his deep brown eyes, I wanted to laugh but I knew what he meant, what he was feeling. I used to feel it every time I saw someone with their kid; I used to think what if I never get that? I stepped forward and put a hand on his should softly, I had a suddenly thought and smiled cautiously.

"Don't worry Finn, it will happen for you but I'll talk to her…" My heart constricted painfully in my chest but Finn smiled brightly and I forced myself to return it and wondered just how Rachel would receive my idea.

**Hope you liked it! Review people! Pretty please?**


	13. Chapter 13

**It's on time you guys! Enjoy!**

_Dear Kurt Hummel, _

_you are cordially invited to the wedding of Emerald Moses and Myles Justins._

_April 7th _

_R.S.V.P _**Not given because you're my bridesmaid Hummel and you ARE going to be there.**

_Lots of love Emmy and Myles. _

I smiled happily at the beautiful invite before placing it in my hand luggage and wrapped my knee-length jersey cardigan around me tightly as I took my seat next to the window (thank god!) on the plane home from the week long Italian adventure. Rome and Emmy and Myles' wedding had been just as beautiful as I had expected but I had cried a lot more, my hormones were still spiraling - Though I'm sure there's a special allowance for weddings.

_"Take care of yourself Kurtsy,"_ she had said as we parted at our respective gates, her flying off to Thailand and me heading home to the, hopefully sunny skies of New York.

I hated people telling me to take care, it meant they worried about me, like I was doing a good enough job by myself and maybe I wasn't perfect but at least I was trying right? I had a job, I had a place of my own, I had good friends and sure this baby wasn't coming in the perfect situation but when is the right situation anyway?

Thankfully when I arrived back at my building I found the lift had been mended and I wouldn't have to drag my suitcase up the stairs, which would have been a killer on my already painful back. Pregnancy really took its toll on me and if it wasn't sickness it was back pain and if it wasn't back pain it was being horny _all the time_… What was I going to do at that stage? I didn't even want to think about so I pushed it to the back of my mind along with the millions of other things I wanted to worry about but didn't have time to. I pushed open the door, humming softly, I was in a pretty good mood for the little sleep I had gotten and placed my suitcase by the door. I had grown used to the silence now I was by myself but the last week of non-stop company and 24/7 noise had reminded me just how lonely this place could feel. I shook it off and listened to my messages, a couple about work, one from my Dad and surprisingly one from Rachel:

_Hey I didn't want to tell you on your mobile and you know, ruin your holiday but Blaine is back in New York. Long and boring story but we've talked a few times and he keeps asking after you, I mean I didn't tell him when you'd be back or if you would even want to see him but I just thought I'd give you heads up… You know in case he swings by for whatever reason… Not that he has a reason! I mean yeah, call me! _

_Beeeep._

I stared at the little black machine with all the hate I could muster up, why the fuck was Blaine back in New York and asking to me see me? What about that prick of a boyfriend? Why was Rachel acting so weird? I sighed and decided to call round at her place after a hot bath and a nap, no need to spoil my day was there?

* * *

><p>"I'm coming!" I was awoken sharply from my slumber by a loud knocking on my front door that was becoming more and more urgent, "hold on!" I wrapped my jersey cardigan around me tighter just in case it was someone completely random and opened the door with a bright smile that soon dropped. "What the hell do you want?"<p>

"I just wanted to see you-" Blaine looked a mess, his curls were growing out again and his stubble could no longer pass for 'designer' but more 'desperate.' My heart flutter at his big, deep eyes but I held my ground at the door and kept him outside.

"Why? Why are you even in New York?" I said coldly and he physically flinched.

"Matthew and I broke up," he didn't look to cut up, "I wasn't really suited for the west coast life anyway…"

"Shut up Blaine, you were so at home there, why not just go to LA?" I was beginning to feel weird having this conversation in my hallway but I knew once Blaine was inside getting him back out would be so much more difficult.

"Well I kinda wanted to be near my family," my heart jumped, "you know I haven't seen my parents in a while and I feel like a rubbish son." He smiled sadly and I wanted to stroke his hair and his him and tell him I'd make tea and to talk about everything but my hand went to my stomach and I remembered why that couldn't happen.

"Well your parents are in _Ohio _Blaine," I snapped.

"For fucks sake Kurt can't you see I just want to be near you right now?" He looked like he was going to break, "can I come in? I feel weird being out here…" I sighed and stepped back, letting him into the dark apartment where he sat down on the sofa and pinched his bridge in frustration.

"Blaine can you just say what you wanted to say please?" I didn't know if I should stand or sit or pace or what…

"I didn't really come to _say _anything, I just knew I needed to be near you," I didn't dare look at him.

"How did you know I'd be back today?"

"I didn't, I've been asking someone everyday and I got lucky today…"

"Wait, what? Everyday? Blaine you can't do that," I wanted to slap him; he could be so childish. "I don't understand why you're here, I don't understand why you thought it would be OK to come here and tell me you're single and you want to be near me."

"Well I had to do something!" He growled with surprising force, "you have no idea how much it takes to stay away from you Kurt! Being in San Francisco was supposed to make it easier, Matthew was supposed to make it easier-"

"That boy made nothing easier, did you really think that forcing yourself to be with someone would help?"

"Well it was better than what I was doing."

"No, because if he hadn't been the picture then we wouldn't be having this conversation!" I didn't even mean to say it, all the time I had spent telling people I couldn't care less that Blaine wanted me back and it comes out the moment I see him again.

"What do you mean?" He narrowed his eyes knowingly, waiting for me to say what he wanted me to but I wouldn't so he continued. "I've spoken to Rachel and as much as you want her to lie she has told me all I need to know, I can't believe you kept it from me. You were just going to pretend like it never happened?" My stomach did flips but I kept my arms crossed tightly over my chest and a straight face, she _did not tell him about the baby, she wouldn't dare_.

"What are you talking about?" He stepped forwards and I froze, he cupped my face and I couldn't help but stare back into those eyes, the same eyes I had planned on staring into for the rest of my life and I wanted to cry and confess but I didn't. He pulled me in and I tried to arch away, barely managing to get my bump a safe distance from him; he frowned deeply but didn't force me closer.

"I'm talking about this," he was whispering now, "how can you deny this? I know, Kurt, I know everything and I'm ready to fight for you, for it all." My whole body shivered in fear and pleasure; the feeling of Blaine's hot breath on my neck, the sound of his low growl and his body radiating heat… He let go suddenly and without a word, a kiss or a look he left and I fell to my knees, tears falling uncontrollably, my shoulders shaking and my lungs constricting painfully. I was so, so in love with Blaine Anderson and all he wanted was this child, I was sure he knew, I was sure that's why he was here and it was too painful. I wanted him as much as the day I met him, as much as the day we first made love, the day we agreed to have Holly, the day of her funeral when he promised… He promised everything we didn't get.

* * *

><p><strong>Blaine's POV<strong>

I shut the door behind me softly and the sound triggered the tears, hot and furious, they burned my eyes and face but I made no attempt to wipe them away or calm them. I wanted to turn around and bang on his door and kiss him and tell him how sorry and stupid I had been but it was too late so instead I took the stairs and left the apartment building. Outside it was a cool April evening, the sun was beginning to set and people were still buzzing about the place but I guess that was New York for you. In New York you were never alone, you were never more than a few feet from the next human being and right now that gave me no comfort. I dragged my already ruined vans on the dirty pavement, only keeping my eyes up so I didn't end up walking into someone and causing a fight (something that has happened more times than I'd like to admit to.) Everything was weighing on my mind and I decided that I would pack my stuff up from the motel and finally head home, maybe get my thoughts on track and try and find a stable job. I was still finishing music for this guy in San Fran but I knew that it would be too much trouble to be across country and he was sure to drop me soon. Maybe I'd finally go into teaching, though I'm not sure I was emotionally stable enough for that at the moment… or at all really.

My wrist itched and stung, a constant reminder of what I had been doing to myself for so many years. Matthew had hated it with so much passion I was afraid to do it and was absolutely clean during the last three months but just before we broke up, I broke down. The clean, deep red lines across my forearms and wrists were becoming more and more violent, and though I had never had suicidal intent behind them it was creeping up on me more and more. It would have been too easy, buy some dodgy drugs and a penknife, just an inch or two deep, just a pill or two too many and I'd been gone. I shook myself and tried to focus on my path but I knew this city too well for the route to actually keep my mind occupied. I wondered how different things would have been if I had let Kurt in on this little secret when we were 17, if I would have quit by now, if we would still be together… I scared him. I scared the man I loved and that hurt more than anything else could have, he didn't know who I was and he looked at me like he hated my every fibre. He should, I'm a disgusting person.

Rachel had told me that Kurt still loved me, that it killed him to be at my birthday and he was having a hard time so why didn't I see any of that today? All I saw was angry and hurt Kurt, all I saw was the pure hatred that he had developed for me… I ended up at the motel quicker than I expected and was already in my room before I had really registered anything so I just kept going and soon enough found myself in my rental driving back home. I had told my parents I was back but I didn't know what else to say. I just wanted to revert to my sixteen year old self and cry into my mother's arms about how my heart was broken and how no one else would ever make me feel this way again, only this time she might believe me.

I turned the radio up as loudly as I could stand but no matter what I couldn't sing, my voice just wouldn't do it and something flashed back to me suddenly:

_Fifteen years old, standing infront of the Warblers and feeling so nervous as I continue my speech,_ "d_id you know that real Warblers won't sing alone? It's true - if a Warbler loses it's flock or is caged separately it sits silently until another one shows up. It's not that he doesn't have a beautiful voice - it's just that without a companion he just doesn't feel like singing anymore."_

My whole body shivered at the truth in that, without Kurt I never felt like singing. I got up and did that show for him, I managed to look out in the audience and remember that if I kept on doing this I could ask him about notes and breathing techniques and he would sing with me and touch me and laugh at me in his completely adorable way…

"Goddamn you Kurt Hummel," I said out loud, "why don't you love me?"

* * *

><p>"Blaine!" My mother cried in surprise when she opened the door at near midnight, "what on earth are you doing here?"<p>

"Just thought I'd drop by, needed a friendly face," she smiled widely and hugged me, I relaxed into her embrace and wondered why I ever thought I could do without her.

"You should have given some more notice and I would have kept your father up."

"No, no, it was a spontaneous thing," I smiled falsely, "Dad's already in bed?"

"Yes but he's fine, just old," she laughed and went into the kitchen, painful Christmas memories flooding back but I squashed them forcefully and continued the conversation with my mother. Alyssia hadn't change much; her dark hair was greying, previous years of laughter and long night and more recent years of stress had deepened the lines on her face but she was still beautiful. I watched her carefully until she noticed me, "what's wrong Blainers?" The 24-year-old nickname now had the same effect on as it did when I was little and I started to cry hysterically.

"I love him Mama," I spluttered, "I love him, so much, it hurts and he-he, doesn't love me anymore Ma," her arms engulfed me in warmth and she started to shush me softly in Italian. I didn't know what she was saying but between the uncontrollable sobs I couldn't begin to decipher her sympathetic words. After a long few minutes of rocking and crying I began to get quiet, occasionally hiccoughing but now able to breathe again.

"Blaine," she grabbed myself and looked into my eyes and spoke in Italian, "Kurt loves you." I tried to protest but she held on tighter, "he _loves _you more than I have ever seen someone so young love as fiercely as you two. I don't care about what happened with Matthew or why you did that to Kurt because it's in the past and you can never truly understand the mind of a lover. Now you can stay here and get it out of your system then you're going to get dressed and go to reunion and get him back."

**Mama Anderson is my favourite, can't wait to see how they do her on Glee. The chapters are getting longer so I hope you appreciate it!**

**Also... if you don't follow my tumblr: .com: then you won't know how much I loved Mash Off! Santana was so perfect and the Rumour has it/Someone like you mash up was beautiful and kjdehfhje so yeah LOVED that. Not liking how Finn hasn't learnt anything and how it looks like he's not going to next week either? God he's so fucking stupid.**

**Anyways rant over, love you guysss!**


	14. Chapter 14

**Ahh here it is! Been doing exams all week and argh, sorry; I'll try and get the next chapter up by Friday.**

"Oh my God I can't believe we're actually doing this!" Rachel laughed in a harsh whisper as we watched Puck expertly break open the doors to McKinley High School.

"You haven't changed at all have you?" Santana rolled her eyes, the last five years had found her with much curlier and shorter hair and much more subtle digs. I watched her carefully as she glanced at Brittany, giving her small smiles and continuously fixing her hair.

"Seriously? You're fighting already?" Finn sighed as we all piled into the dark hallway.

"Old habit die hard custard nips," OK well maybe not _that _much more subtle. Finn took on a faux pained face and we all laughed before our attentions turned to the high school we were now wandering.

I tried to ignore Blaine, who was donned in one of the bow ties I gave him for his birthday and a suspiciously 16-year-old Blaine looking outfit, he did nostalgia well. We had all had dined at Bread Stix when Noah had suggested we all spice it up a little and of course caught up in our emotions, no one disagreed. I looked around the building I had sworn never to return to and realised it was all the same, seven years later and it was all as we remembered it.

"This is scary," Quinn said, "why has nothing changed?" I looked at the former cheerleader, her hair long again and she had gained some weight but she had had a son just four months ago. She looked very much like the yearbook picture Quinn Fabrey except she was happier, I'm sure of it. In fact everyone looked happy; Tina and Mike hadn't gotten married like we all expected, she was working as a fashion designer and engaged and he was about to leave for a new tour with Usher, single but dating. Mercedes was working on a 2nd album after the first reaching number one but unfortunately she was still reeling from her latest break up. Artie was directing a new show for FOX, which I had actually been watching without realising he had anything to do with (embarrassing, remember to check the credits,) and had a girlfriend of nearly two years. He and Tina were comfortable with each other, there was none of the feelings-to-yet-die tension that there was between Santana and Brittany.

"Hey look!" Brittany was standing next to the trophy case and smiling inanely, "it's us!" And sure enough there we were, all smiling brightly after wining Nationals, Mr. Schue and Miss. Pilsbury looking like proud parents.

"We look so young," Tina gasped, "was this really seven years ago?"

"Seven years is a seriously long time," I piped in, "we did a whole lot of growing up," Blaine and I couldn't help but glance at each other. His Anderson smile flickering slightly but only for a millisecond before he was back to his puppy like self.

"Hey!" He cried and we all jumped, "why don't we have a sing for all time's sake?"

"Sounds good to me, I haven't sung in forever!" Artie was already wheeling towards the auditorium, Brittany bouncing next to him. Everyone was getting on _so _well, I was surprised, any old feelings of tension had seemed to die in favour for a good evening. Just Blaine and I were left behind everyone else, we shared an awkward smile and the air was thick with things that had been left unsaid. If we really had been sixteen in Glee club we could have picked a song and performed it by now, getting everything we needed to out.

"So what do we all want to sing?" Santana said from the stage. Past performances rushed back to us and standing next to her I could remember her slapping Finn like it was yesterday and I knew she could as well.

"Don't stop believin'," Rachel chimed in immediately, "it's our song." Everyone agreed and it was easy enough to find Mr. Schue's ever expanding collection of CDs and we were all singing in no time, our improvised and half-remembered old choreography was messy and more fun than I had had in a long time. We ended up on the floor, barely breathing due to laughter; I leant on Mercedes enjoying the feeling of being in such close proximity with my old best friend.

"You guys I reckon New Directions should reform and go back for the gold," Mercedes had a serious undertone that was soon shot down.

"No way," everyone chimed, now lying more sedately on the brightly lit stage.

"God, could you imagine?" Santana started again, "they'd have to give us the prize just so it didn't seem so desperately _sad_."

"I like to perform together!" Brittany rested on the Latina's shoulder and I saw her internally whimper, "it's so nice being friends after so long."

"You would have thought we'd hate each other by now," Mike said coolly.

"I think it's because we all go _away _from each other," Quinn replied, "except for those four," she motioned towards my fucked up family,

"have any of us actually had any real contact?" We all looked and felt quite guilty for not trying harder after we left this school, we were like a family in our last few years and that all just disappeared.

"Mercedes can you give us a sneak peak of a new song?" Finn said trying to save the atmosphere, everyone agreeing heartily and we casually formed a circle to watch her sing acapella.

"You always did have the best voice 'Cedes," Rachel commented with a sigh once it was finished, "I was always slightly jealous of you…"

"Well we already knew that," Mercedes laughed and kissed the petite girl on the cheek, "no, thank you!"

"Kurt do you write music?" Tina asked, "I have friends that saw your play and they couldn't shut up! It sucks I was so busy," I knew that Tina wasn't actually busy by her slighted smile but didn't give any indication.

"Such a shame, but I didn't really-"

"Yes you did," Blaine cut in suddenly, "I put them together but the lyrics and the ideas were really all yours." Everyone glanced awkwardly between us, the situation hadn't been fully explained but no one was asking for it to be.

"Well, I guess, I have been working on some music lately but it's not even for me," I blushed deeply, trying not to make it obviously I was holding my bump, "it would feel weird to sing it myself." Though I said that I was dying to sing the song in front of Blaine and as soon as it was said everyone else was dying for me to sing. "FINE!" I gave in and suddenly became more nervous than I could have imagined, I reached over and took the guitar from its place next to Puck. Blaine raised his eyebrows, he had taught me how to play and I had been a bitch to teach, he obviously thought I'd never play by myself.

_I know I can't take one more step towards you_

_Cause all that's waiting is regret_

_And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore?_

_You lost the love I loved the most_

_I learned to live, half-alive_

_And now you want me one more time_

_And who do you think you are?_

_Runnin' 'round leaving scars_

_Collecting your jar of hearts_

_And tearing love apart_

_You're gonna catch a cold_

_From the ice inside your soul_

_So don't come back for me_

_Who do you think you are?_

_I hear you're asking all around_

_If I am anywhere to be found_

_I have grown too strong_

_To ever fall back in your arms_

Blaine was watching me intensely and when I sung these words I saw him visibly flinch but I carried on, a small sense of victory in my chest.

_I've learned to live, half-alive_

_Now you want me one more time_

_Who do you think you are?_

_Runnin' 'round leaving scars_

_Collecting your jar of hearts_

_And tearing love apart_

_You're gonna catch a cold_

_From the ice inside your soul_

_So don't come back for me_

_Who do you think you are?_

_Dear, it took so long_

_Just to feel alright_

_Remember how to put back_

_The light in my eyes_

_I wish I had missed_

_The first time that we kissed_

_'Cause you broke all your promises_

_And now you're back you don't get to get me back_

_Who do you think you are?_

_Runnin' 'round leaving scars_

_Collecting your jar of hearts_

_And tearing love apart_

_You're gonna catch a cold_

_From the ice inside your soul_

_So don't come back for me_

_Don't come back at all_

_And who do you think you are?_

_Runnin' 'round leaving scars_

_Collecting your jar of hearts_

_And tearing love apart_

_You're gonna catch a cold_

_From the ice inside your soul_

_Don't come back for me_

_Don't come back at all_

_Who do you think you are?_

_Who do you think you are?_

_Who do you think you are?_

When I finished everyone was silent, no one dared to look up because it was so blindingly obvious that the song was about Blaine and no one wanted to be the person to stare at us.

"That was amazing," Santana breathed, "and why aren't you the one singing it?"

"Well that's not really what I want to do, so," I shrugged, "why not give it to someone else?" I could feel Blaine's eyes on me but I didn't give into the stare, I just wanted him to think, have the words sink into him like that had sunk into me.

"Something more upbeat?" Artie said clapping his hands, "how about Loser Like Me?" Everyone jumped up and we once more got lost in the memories of our better days of McKinley; I mean despite the utterly embarrassing fiasco of losing Nationals that year but still.

* * *

><p>"This was so good!" Rachel cried when we all eventually decided to leave the school, "we should do it again."<p>

"Yeah in seven years time," Santana laughed, her hand was firmly clasped in Brittany's but I didn't comment.

"I'm up for that," Puck smiled, "this was the most fun I've had in _ages_!" We all agreed and said our goodbyes, promising to call everyone and exclaiming "_if I'm in town!" _Soon enough it was just Blaine and I standing in the half dark hallway of our old high school, which now felt sad and embarrassing as I looked at my first love.

"Aren't you going with Finn and Rachel?" He finally asked.

"No… I just…"

"Wanted to talk?"

"Yeah." We stood in silence again before he took my hand and pulled me back through the school, out the back and onto the football pitch. In the moonlight it was rather breath taking and I allowed myself to be pulled up onto the bleachers.

"This is beautiful," I whispered, "why did I not know it looked like this?"

"When was the last time you went to a football game?" Blaine joked, his triangular eyebrows always made me laugh.

"Fair enough," our shoulders rested against each other and I found myself too weak to move away, "you always knew these little things."

"Well you always knew the big things," I nodded slowly, "look, that song."

"What about it?"

"Is it really about me?"

"You're such a child," I tried to joke but he didn't laugh, "yes, yes it is."

"I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"That you 'had to learn to live half alive,'" it should have sounded patronizing but I knew that was just Blaine.

"So am I. I'm sorry that I hurt you as well," I said, " I'm sorry that it had to be like this."

"If only we could stop loving each other," he laughed nudging me playfully.

"You managed it," I replied sadly, playing with the cuffs of my jumper.

"What do you mean?"

"You don't love me anymore…" I almost threw up having to say it out loud.

"No." I stared at him, "I could _never _stop loving you Kurt. Trust me I've tried every day since you broke up with me." He smiled pathetically, his eyes reflecting the giant moon perfectly, its silver light hitting him beautifully.

"Impossible," my voice wasn't quite as strong as I would have liked it to be, "you just want me back because of the baby."

"What?" He cried, "you're pregnant?"

"You knew!" I shouted back in surprise, "that's why you came to my apartment!"

"No! I came over because I wanted to see _you_." He stood up suddenly and threw his hands up in the air exasperatedly, "I can't believe you didn't tell me!"

"I can't believe you left me for that _prick!"_

"We broke up!"

"You still _left _Blaine," his face flinched guiltily, "you _left me_ after you said you loved me, after I was so sure we could be together again…"

"Kurt I'm sorry," he got on his knees in front of me, "I was just trying to do what I thought was best."

"And you didn't think you were it?"

"Of course not! I've been trying to impress you since I first met you, I've never felt good enough for you." I couldn't help but smile at his bashful school boy look, his dense eyelashes batting in a way that caused a strange emotion, half way between wanting to rip his clothes off but also just hold him.

"You were always more than enough," I held his face, "_always_. I never gave up on us until you did, and even then I half-hoped you would come back for me so I could scream at you and tell you no." He laughed and held onto my knees tightly before pushing them apart and sliding into the gap so we could be closer. "Blaine," I said placing my hands on his firm chest to keep him back but momentarily forgetting that, "i-it still hurts, so, so much; I don't know how to forgive you for this."

"What about our baby?" His eyes flickered to my covered stomach and I knew he was two seconds away from placing his hands there so I grabbed them and held them into my chest tightly.

"It doesn't make everything better between us, does it?" His big brown eyes filled with sadness and I felt like I was kicking a puppy, "please don't look at me like that!" I clasped our hands together, "I _love _you."

"I love you too!" He shouted desperately, the echo across the empty football pitch seemed eerie and laced with sorrow. "Please, please, please Kurt, I can't live without you."

"Maybe you should have figured that out four months ago…" I kissed his hands and stood up and away from his sad figure, still kneeling and so small, the moonlight seemed mockingly romantic now and I just wanted to leave.

"Where are you going?" Blaine said and I knew he was crying, "you can't leave me here."

"We can't be together tonight," I said gently and walked towards him, titled his chin and kissed him softly, "calm down and think about things OK? Then come see me tomorrow." I wiped the hot trails of water off his face and fought the urge to stay here with him, we had to part, we had to go home and think about how this was going to work.

I started to go through the locker room when sharp pains shot through my stomach, I stumbled and once my knees gave way I knew there was no way I was getting back up. I wanted to call for Blaine but found my vocal chords wouldn't work and the shadowy world around me gave way to a heavy velvet darkness.

* * *

><p><strong>Blaine's POV. <strong>

Once Kurt disappeared back into the building I stayed in the cool night and wiped away my tears, my brain was spinning too fast to process anything and I realised how right he was about being apart. I pulled out my phone to check the time _1:49am _how had it gotten so late? I stood up and tried to regulate my breathing before following him into the darkness, barely paying attention the route, which I knew with my eyes closed.

"What the fu- Kurt?" His form was just about discernable in the milky blackness, "oh my God, Kurt!" I rushed to his side and already had my phone out to the emergency services, "hello? Hi yeah can I have an ambulance to McKinley High School? Yes, my- my boyfriend has collapsed."

* * *

><p>"Excuse me, Blaine Anderson?" A police officer asked me in a soft but serious tone and I nodded without really looking at him, "we need to ask you a few questions."<p>

"Why? I didn't do anything to him!" I started to explain desperately but he hushed me.

"Not about Mr. Hummel, about why you were in the school at nearly 2am in the morning," he raised his eyebrows and my heart dropped, I didn't have an explanation.

"Oh…"

"Well Mr. Anderson, you know it is a criminal offense?" I nodded, "we'll have to take you to the station."

"What?" I was so shocked, "really? We were just messing about!" He gave me an unconvinced look, "OK we had a sort of high school reunion dinner thing and we decided to back for old time's sake… And we were just the last ones to leave… We kind of had an argument."

"I see, so you were alone when he collapsed?"

"Yes," I didn't even think that he was backtracking on himself.

"It's all a bit suspicious, can you give us the names of the other 'classmates,'" he said this is a mocking voice that annoyed me, "that were with you?"

"I don't want to get anyone in trouble, we should have left I know…"

"Look Mr. Anderson the evidence doesn't look very good at the moment does it?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well you're alone in a school you and Mr. Hummel apparently attended together and he happens to collapse after everyone else left?"

"We did attend there!" I shouted, now standing, "and yes it was awful timing but it's because he's-" I stopped knowing not everyone was quite as accepting of Kurt's condition as our friends.

"He's what Mr. Anderson?" I hated the way he said 'Mr. Anderson', I'm twenty-fucking-four, I'm not a 'Mr.' anything.

"He's, um, well, sick." I managed to say guiltily, I could just remember the looks I got from some of the Dalton boys when I proudly boasted of Holly and knew I didn't need that right now.

"Sick? How so?"

"He has this… Illness." The police officer looked at me with exasperation, I knew he didn't want to talk to me anymore and I was causing more trouble than he wanted to deal with at this time in the morning.

"Well OK and with that, wonderful explanation, I'm afraid you'll have to come with me-"

"Excuse me," an older man with a deep widow's peak and clinical glasses interrupted us, "could I talk with Mr. Anderson quickly?"

"Well I'm about to arrest him but fine, whatever you want," he sighed and pulled out an iPhone he had obviously been desperate to check.

"Thank you," the doctor said insincerely, "would you like to take a seat?" I did so with a nod, it may be sick but being here in a hospital with Kurt was quite comforting. "Well Kurt is doing OK," I smiled brightly, "he'll need to stay here tonight and tomorrow but should be OK to go in the evening."

"Thanks Doctor-"

"Van De Bourgh," he smiled weirdly, "he's asleep but you can go and see him if you want."

"I will do, just one question, what happened?"

"Just adjusting to the pregnancy, he doesn't quite have the right build to cope with a baby and that's probably why the others failed as well."

"But that was a long time ago-"

"Not really," he looked at his chart, "the last couple years so of course not much has changed." I nodded and pretended to know what these 'other' failed pregnancies were.

"What should I do to help?"

"Just make sure he gets a balanced diet, plenty of rest and emotional support; this is _key, _when you're suffering mentally your body attempts to ease the pressure but making sure your body isn't working too hard." I nodded again and swallowed deeply, getting back with Kurt would be stressful but I stood my ground and vowed I wouldn't go anywhere. This wasn't just about our baby this was about _us_, about everything we were and would be; if this was fucked up I don't know what would happen to us.

I went into the quiet hospital room that Kurt resided in, he looked so disheveled and tired but also beautiful and strong. At what point did I ever think I could do better than him? I pulled up a chair to his bed and took his hand in mine, it tightened automatically but he didn't stir so I rested my head on the edge of the bed and easily drifted into a deep but terrifying night's sleep.

**Ahh finally got the rest of the gang in, yes I know I didn't mention Rory or Sam but I have no idea what's happening with them so I just left haha. **

**Reviews would be amazing.**


	15. Chapter 15

I awoke curled up around myself and very much alone, I couldn't really remember much of last night but I knew that the fact no one else was here wasn't a good sign. My stomach was still aching but there was no longer shooting pains or an overwhelming fear in my chest so I decided I could stay here for a little bit longer without worrying. I lay still and stroked my small bump gently, it wasn't quite as soothing as I would have liked but it was the most I could do right now. As I hoped someone would come in soon and explain things someone knocked on my door three times in a familiar fashion.

"Yeah," I called back weakly without looking.

"Oh thank God you're awake!" Blaine's concerned voice rung out in the room and was the sweetest sound I had ever heard.

"Blaine!" I shouted and sat up quickly, too quickly and I winced against the pain.

"Whoa, slow down!" He placed coffee on the table and rushed to my side, gently pushing my shoulders back into the bed, a wide smile slapped onto his face. "You need to rest after last night."

"What happened?"

"Just whatever happened before," there was an acidic undertone but I put it down to old feelings about Holly, "your body can't cope with the physical change and emotional stress and… I feel so guilty," he stroked my hair slowly.

"Why? This wasn't your fault," his scent was filling my head and my heart was swelling at our proximity.

"Yes, I was arguing with you, I was upsetting you as I always do and I'm sorry," he nuzzled into my head and we rested for a few moments, everything feeling so right.

"'S'OK," I replied weakly, "I'm glad you're here," I curled up to make more room, "get in with me?" He kicked off his shoes and got under the covers with me, our noses touching and our breath tickling each other's faces.

"Can I-" He didn't know how to end that sentence and I didn't blame him, how did you ask if you could touch the person you loved and your child? I placed his hands on my stomach and he inhaled sharply, his eyes started to glitter and for once I didn't make fun of him for being so emotional. Instead we stayed like that until I fell asleep again, it came easier now that I had him here with me; I could never be at peace without him and neither would our baby.

* * *

><p>"Are you sure you understand everything?" Dr. Van De Bourgh asked for the hundredth time as I tried to leave with the mammoth amount of pills he had given me.<p>

"Yes I'm very sure," I replied, "I promise I don't want this happen more than you can think."

"I know," he turned to Blaine, "you need to be home with him as much as you can OK? I don't advise returning to work for a week or so… maybe more so…" Blaine and I exchanged nervous glances, we may have been caught up in our emotions before but in the sobering prospect of going home we remembered why we weren't together. "What's the matter?"

"I just, really think I can go to work!" I cut in loudly, "I mean all I do is sit there and shout at people…" I winced at how degrading that sounded and Blaine tried to hide a laugh, "it would drive me crazy sitting at home alone."

"Fine, just take it easy Kurt," his voice was slightly harsh, "I don't need to tell you what will happen if you don't."

"I don't like him," Blaine said quietly as the doctor left with a curt nod and I agreed, he was a bit… creepy.

"You know you don't have to come back to mine or anything, I'll be fine by myself," I began awkwardly not looking up at him.

"No, I'm coming… Unless you don't want me there." We fell silent for a few moments, truthfully I didn't want to be alone but I didn't know if I wanted to be with Blaine either. "After this morning I assumed-"

"I was scared this morning," my voice was clear and cool even though I didn't feel it.

"And you weren't when you were with me," he added confidently, "I don't want you to be alone when I could be there."

"I-" I wanted to argue with him but I was tired and wanted a bath and the idea of having someone with me tonight sounded much more appealing. "OK, but just for tonight…"

* * *

><p>"Sit!" Blaine barked playfully at me as I tried to make myself some peppermint tea.<p>

"I can do it myself!" I hissed back, half playfully, half annoyed at how attentive Blaine had been all evening.

"But I _want _to," he caught my hands and pulled them away, batting his big brown eyes the way he knew I couldn't resist.

"FINE! Peppermint, two sugars and a dash of cold water," he nodded enthusiastically before staring at the cupboards blankly. "Need some help?"

"No!" He started to rummage in the direction I had been going in and eventually pulled out the herbal tea boxes, his bottom lip stuck out just a little as he tried to find the right one.

"It's the-"

"No! I have it!" He held up the green box triumphantly, "this is quite a collection you have here…"

"Well I like to experiment," I said softly and he turned to look at me, a slight blush on his high cheekbones and I had to bite back an even more suggestive comment.

"You can sit down, I don't need watching…" He was obviously flustered so I left him to find the sugar by himself and curled into the sofa and put on some TV, flicking through the mindless crap before settling on LA Ink; a recently acquired interest. "Here you go," I took the mug with a thankful smile and sipped it as he watched nervously.

"Perfect," even though it was a little too sweet and a bit colder than I would have liked but who could possibly deny that smile?

"Good," he sat down awkwardly, we hadn't really discussed physical boundaries yet, "since when do you watch this?"

"Since a couple months ago when I was home sick, it's pretty good actually," I glanced over and he nodded, his hands fidgeting endlessly.

"I got a tattoo," he stated bluntly and I raised my eyebrows questioningly, "yeah… I got it in England, wanna see?" I nodded, trying to think of how I could have missed his new ink. "It's not great…" He lifted his sweater and on his left ribcage was the delicately, scripted words _have faith, _a double holly leaf at the end with a bright daisy flower instead of berries sitting in the middle.

"Oh Blaine," I whispered moving closer to inspect it, it was done quite well and the size wasn't too intimidating should he ever regret it, "I don't know what to say."

"It helped, you know cope," he smiled, "it felt like I was forgetting her because no one else knew about her so this is kind of a physical reminder that she was here… That's kinda why I got it so tiny; something as small as she was made this massive, permanent impact of my life."

"You're such a poet," I tried to joke but my throat became thick, "it's beautiful."

"Would you?"

"Get one?"

"Yeah?" I shrugged but he kept gazing at me.

"Probably, I wouldn't know what to get though," I turned to look at the screen and the hundredth person to get a koi carp, "something utterly original."

"You could draw something," he offered with a smile, "I saw some of the stuff you let Rachel keep…"

"She's so embarrassing," I rolled my eyes and Blaine laughed, I suddenly realised I could feel his breath; we had slowly been closing the gap between us until only a few inches kept us apart. He was playing with his hands again so I grabbed one and placed on my stomach, under my vest so his cool skin calmed my over-heating self. His jaw fell open in shock but no noise came out and I laughed, he repositioned himself to come closer and started to stroke the swelling gently.

"There's not much to feel unfortunately…"

"Can you feel it yet?" He said, his voice was sticky and I knew he wanted to cry.

"Not yet…" He glanced up suddenly.

"That's quite late Kurt-" But I put up a hand to silence him.

"We just got back from the doctor's, if there was something wrong we'd know," my heart jolted and I'm sure his did too when I used '_we.'_

"I'm sure they're just taking their time, not everyone can be as feisty as Holly," he didn't reply but the silence was comfortable. We soon arranged ourselves so I was between his legs and his hands were firmly placed on my stomach; a position we pretty much lived in all those years ago.

"Sleep with me?" I asked softly, afraid that I was pushing it too fast but I was afraid of being alone.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," I could his heart speed up but didn't comment, just placed it into my memory for future reference. "This is so easy Blaine, it shouldn't be like this…"

"I'm so glad it is though," he sighed, he started to trace patterns on my exposed skin soothingly, "you have no idea how scared I was we had lost this."

"I don't think you can, you know, lose it… Once you have a connection like this with someone it doesn't go away, it stays even if they don't."

"Hey Kurt?" I twisted to look up at him and he swept me into a light kiss, so gentle and yet so forceful; I pulled myself up onto of him and held his face, deepening the kiss. His hands rested at the base of my spine and a familiar feeling ran through me; I moaned into his mouth before I was able to hold it back. "Kurt?" I could feel myself blushing deeply.

"Sorry… Sorry… I just-" He was looking at me with this passion that made me faulter, "what?"

"Is this too fast?"

"I don't know…"

"If it isn't," he continued, "making love to you right now would be pretty spectacular," I laughed loudly and stroked his ruffled curls.

"Oh Blaine, it's _always _spectacular when we make love."

* * *

><p><strong>Blaine's POV<strong>

If you had asked me seven years ago if I could imagine myself awaking up in a New York apartment next to Kurt Hummel after making passionate love then my answer would have been the most confident yes I had ever given someone. If you had asked me seven weeks, days, hell, even hours ago I would have had to shake my head sadly and reminisce on the days I could. So here I was, naked and comfortable with it, sober and enjoying and in love and happy. Kurt's long limbs were curled up to his body, his pale skin still tinted with the remainders of his trip to Italy and his eyelashes resting gently on his cheeks. These were all things I had begun to forget, it was scary how tiny details painted the most beautiful picture; I felt guilty for being away for so long. My head had been somewhere else these last few years but I was getting too old and no one was feeling sorry for me; acting out was now just being a prick.

I thought about Matthew and wondered what he would be doing right now… Three hours behind us, he was probably in a club, drunk and throwing himself at people with absolutely no tact. Kurt snuffled in his sleep and any thoughts of Matthew slipped out of my mind, I turned back to the angel next to me and wondered if anything would change when he woke up. He would make me talk about things and if I wanted him back I would have to open up. Really open up.

Nowadays they are hell bent on making the perfect tattoo cover-up, which, for people like me doubles as a beautiful scar cover up. In LA I had picked up some stuff and I used it everyday since, it might have been a nuisance to put on and to be aware of but at least no one noticed or asked about my arms anymore. They were truly sickening. The only time I didn't feel conscious of the dark lines was when I was with Kurt, when he was looking into my eyes or kissing me… He made everything better and yet I still couldn't bring myself to admit to how bad my depression had become. It felt like a cop-out, like I was blaming every screwy thing I had done to him on it but it was an illness. It was an illness that was eating away at the boy I knew, the boy that had made Kurt Hummel fall in love, and that scared me. What if I wasn't who he needed me to be? What if I was too damaged and broken? And why can't I say these things out loud to him?

I noticed there was a faint grey light seeping in between the curtains and wondered why I had woken so early, even Kurt was still out cold and I knew he was big on getting started early. I pulled the duvet back up over my shoulders and moved closer to him so I could place a hand on his slight bump. The familiar excitement rushed back and I couldn't wait to watch him grow and finally feel the baby move, it was possibly the most beautiful moment of my life when I first felt Holly kick. I thought I would be more in control of my emotions this time round but my throat was already constricting at the thought of our little baby, of finally being a father. I closed my eyes and let the comforting warmth of physical contact with Kurt ease me into sleep but not before my brain suddenly asked this question:

_When was the last time you visited Holly?_

**Kurt's POV**

The intoxicated scent of Blaine woke me up gently and when I found him with one hand on my stomach and still-wet tear tracks on his face I decided that my usual routine could wait for today. His dark curls were tousled from sex and sleep and I wondered if he would be up for another round when he awoke… Maybe this was the start of my horny period, though I can't really complain, Blaine never let me go without satisfaction for long last time.

I stared at his face, dark stubble from two days without a shave but he pulled it off well but I was distracted by the watermarks on his cheeks. I wiped them away carefully; they were definitely fresh, when had been awake? Was he crying in his sleep? Blaine's depression was no secret but he had yet to ever have a real conversation with me about just how bad it had gotten, no one was pretending it was manageable anymore. My brain flickered in the early morning haze and I was hit by the fear it was me, that I was the one causing him to drown like this, that I wouldn't be able to save him and I clutched his hand in my own. I had to be enough, _I had to be_; despite my previous confidence I always knew I couldn't live without Blaine. I would have told him about the baby, I would have cried and begged him to come back to us and sometimes in the dark of the night I would think of what I would do if he didn't come back. If I was really left to do this without him and I considered things that in the light I would have thrown up at; this love made me crazy but I was OK with it as long as he loved me too.

I pushed myself up unable to stay in bed awake with unbrushed teeth and Blaine reached out into the cold in a panicked way that made me smile so I tried to be as quick as I could. Slipping back into the warm bed and snuggling into Blaine who quickly fell back into a protective hold on me and we lay there for a while; his heart beat slowly sending me to sleep when his hand brushed over my skin and bubbles fluttered through me. I held my breath suddenly and sure enough there it was, soft and so easy to miss, was the first time I felt our baby and that was enough to send me into an easy sleep.

* * *

><p>"Are you sure you know what you're doing?" Rachel asked skeptically, "what happened to doing this by yourself?"<p>

"Please," I said quietly, "we both knew I couldn't do this by myself."

"But he fucked you over," she said, "has he apologized?"

"Yes he has-"

"Still doesn't change the fact."

"Why are you so anti-Blaine suddenly?" I raised my freshly shaped eyebrow at her suspiciously but she only sighed, "do you want…" I trailed off.

"No," she moved forward and placed a hand on my stomach, "she's yours Kurt; yours and Blaine's."

"I'm sorry," I held her hands, "I'm sorry I put the idea in your head just to snatch it away."

"You couldn't have known he would be back here," she smiled but I knew it wasn't real, "and," her breath shook a little, "I'm still the best auntie in the world."

"That you are," I smiled, "you know, there's nothing concrete between Blaine and I… And I have five months left…"

"Life is unpredictable, we both know that, how about we leave it until we're more sure about everything OK?" I nodded into her shoulder, "and Kurt?"

"Mhm?"

"I do hope you and Blaine make up; I know what he did is hard to forgive but, you two were made for each other."

* * *

><p>"Oh hello Blaine!" Melissa didn't even try to conceal the surprise in her voice, she looked at me questioningly but I shook my head reluctantly.<p>

"Hello Melissa," he smiled brightly but I knew he noticed, "long time no see!"

"Better circumstances this time," she added solemnly, I wasn't sure how to react to her unprofessional demeanor towards Blaine but I tried to ignore it. "So Kurt, twenty weeks!"

"Yep! A long twenty weeks that's for sure…" I joked and found Blaine's hand and held it tightly, his palm was clammy and he gripped too tightly out of nerves.

"Well let's get a move on then," Melissa said with a brief glance towards our entwined hands before distracting herself with the gel and setting up the machine.

"Are you OK?" I asked Blaine softly, he was biting his thumb and staring at the blank screen without blinking. He knelt down so he could whisper and stroke my hair soothingly.

"I'm scared Kurt," his voice quavered slightly, "I keep thinking of her…"

"Shhh," I comforted him, "this isn't her, this is going to be OK," he didn't look convinced, I wanted to tell him about asking Rachel to have the baby but I didn't know how. I didn't know how to tell him that I was expecting us to fail and that I couldn't keep our child if I was alone. Instead I just kissed his nose and stared into his big eyes, "it's going to be OK."

"So you've been feeling alright?" Melissa asked as she moved the wand over my swelling, "not too light headed?"

"Not really," I didn't have to look at Blaine to know he was looking concerned, "I mean nothing to complain about."

"Good, you're a good size as well which is promising," she stared at the screen and then twisted it a little so I could see, "there they are." The perfect white outlines of the tiny form were a bit distorted and at first I began to panic.

"Don't," he whispered, like he could read my mind, "don't look so hard and it will be easier." I relaxed and soon enough I could clearly see what I was supposed to.

"Do you want to know the sex?" She asked, she was becoming sweeter the more she realised Blaine was in this as much as he was last time.

"No," "Yes," we both spoke at the same time. "You don't?" he asked, his eyes were doing that puppy thing that made me do pretty much anything for him.

"Well, I- I don't know," I glanced at the little baby moving around slightly, "does it matter? We weren't going to find out about Holly-"

"I guess not," he quickly cut in, "I'm just a little impatient I guess." He hopped from foot-to-foot restlessly as though to prove the point and I knew he wanted to know what I wanted to know, was it is a girl.

"It doesn't matter what it is," I said, "just as long as they're healthy," I looked at him and he nodded but I had a feeling it wasn't entirely truthful.

"We can do all the tests available to make sure that everything's perfect," Melissa started to scribble on a piece of paper, "but you _will _have to be so careful Kurt. I know I've said this before but I can't stress how fragile your body is right now." She glanced at Blaine for the first time without nay underlying contempt, "I know you'll do a good job of looking after him. He seems to still be under your spell," she paused and bit back a sharp remark I could see brewing, "so could you try and rein him in a bit?"

"Of course," he squeezed my shoulder, "that's my job right?"

**Pretty long one, I lost track of how much I had written ha. Hope everyone is enjoying Glee at the moment! Not enough Klisses AT ALL but at least they First time (though it was pretty appalling how little they showed of Klaine vs Finchel.) Anwyays I love Santana atm, her arc and Naya's acting just make me want to cry! I'm in love.**

**Review? :) **


	16. Chapter 16

"No, I can't! Why? Because I have responsibilities here Joey!" I jumped awake at the sound of Blaine shouting the down the phone somewhere in the lounge; my still-sleepy brain tried to process what it was hearing but not very well. "Look I would love to come down there but- Yes, yes I know this is massive. What about Kurt?" He sighed and my heart flipped, "he doesn't like the west coast… I don't think he can travel. Can't it wait? I mean when does he want me there? End of June?" Another sigh. I sat up carefully and checked the date _3rd of June_; I could picture him pacing and running his hands through his freshly trimmed hair. "He's been fine but we didn't make it past this last time," he said, his voice only quivering slightly, "I don't want to leave him here or do anything- Yeah. OK, I'll talk to our doctor and call you. Thanks, bye."

"Blaine?" I called as I walked out of the bedroom and spied him with his head in his hands on the sofa, "are you alright?"

"Yeah," he smiled but he looked tired, "did you hear that?"

"A little bit," I admitted. "Who was that?"

"My friend Joey, we worked pretty closely on the west coast and he had a meeting with a big company last week to show them some stuff he had written and he must have grabbed the wrong folders because somehow _my _stuff got in the mix…" I sat next to him and took his hand so he would stop wringing them so fantically, "and they loved it."

"Blaine!" I hugged his shoulders, "that's great!" He nodded but didn't smile, "so why do you look so upset?"

"Well they want me in LA," he said shakily.

"I don't-"

"Permanently."

"Oh." I looked at my feet, "well… OK."

"I won't leave you," he kissed my hand softly, "I promise."

"I know but you can't turn this down! This is _huge_ for you! I don't understand why you have to stay there, maybe you could come to a compromise but you _have _to do this." He wouldn't look at me, "Blaine!" I snapped.

"I can't leave yo here alone and I don't want to risk flying across country when-"

"When what? We'll go to see Melissa and if she says it's OK then we'll go," I pulled him in tightly, "I'm not keeping you here out of guilt."

"But you'll hate LA!" He protested with a huge grin.

"Shush, I can do Tinsel Town, watch me!"

* * *

><p>"I hate it," we weren't even at Joey's place yet and I hated it.<p>

"Knew it, can I ask why?" Blaine laughed as he watched me look at everything with a look of confusion.

"It's nothing like the movies, false advertisement grates me," I stated, "and why is it so hot?"

"New York is hot too Kurt," he said lazily throwing an arm around me.

"Yes but-"

"But?"

"But I _like _New York!" He laughed loudly and kissed me deeply; a car beeped and a jumped away from him, covering myself tightly with my thin cardigan.

"What's the matter?" He frowned glancing up at the taxi driving who seemed to be having a hard time keeping his eyes on the road.

"I feel exposed," I whispered to my chest, "I forget that there's a world of judgemental assholes outside of our little bubble."

"Kurt," he cupped my face, "this is LA; the home of the queer – in all senses of the word. We'll be fine here," those eyes were going to cause an accident one day. "Plus Joey knows everything and he doesn't hang out with any unsavourycharacters shall we say."

"_Unsavoury characters_?" I giggled, "you are so-"

"Amazing, educated, fascinating-" He started to throw around words playfully.

"Queer."

* * *

><p>Joey's 'place' was actually the most beautiful apartment I had ever seen in my life; glass panels and light coloured wood, plush red carpet and a spiraled staircase… I actually whimpered out loud when I saw the view, and the hot tub.<p>

"Like it?" He laughed behind me.

"It's _amazing_," I breathed taking in view, "I can actually see the ocean…"

"Yeah, I don't think I could live anywhere far away from a large body of water," he laughed; his teeth were bright white and stark against his dark skin and almost black shaggy hair. "I grew up in Hawaii," he added, so Joey McCallum disappointingly didn't have a Scottish accent or any hint at all towards his heritage apart from the occasional twang of words. He was just as playful as Blaine and the two were like best buddies as soon as we walked through the door; he hugged as both tightly and excitedly told us all about the plans for our stay this week.

"Kurt, are you not working at the moment?" He asked curiously as we lounged on the terrace.

"No, I was co-director of this new play but I've been down-graded to assistant because everyone thinks I'm going to break or something," I didn't let an acid slip into the comment and eyed Blaine with a smile so he knew I wasn't actually upset.

"Well at least you could take the time off to come out here right!" Joey raised his glass and we all drank (of course water for me,) "but next time I'm in New York you've _got _to take me out to see some shows. I've been painfully lax on keeping up with the theatre side of music lately-"

"Hello!" A woman's voice made me jump violently and Blaine had to hide a snigger, "anyone home!"

"Out here!" Joey called back and a few seconds later a beautiful girl appeared in the doorway; "Eliza remember Blaine?"

"Of course," she bounced forwards and hugged him for longer than necessary, "how could I ever forget Mr. Anderson?"

"You're making me blush," he flirted back, his dark eyelashes batting prettily.

"Shush," she glanced at me and smiled, her teeth were that same super-white, "I'm Eliza."

"Kurt," I went to shake her hand and found myself in her arms, "I'm Blaine's boyfriend." I didn't look at him after I said it but I caught him smiling out the corner of my eye.

"Awh," she clapped her hands, "I've heard about you! Hope you're ready to party Hollywood style," she winked but I didn't relax; I didn't really know what to make of her and the way she was holding onto my b-Blaine. Eliza was 5'2 and clad in ripped denim short shorts, a plain white tank and open checked shirt, her skin was a deep gold and her hair was nearing her waist and although dark was laced with gold from the sun. I hated her.

"Maybe not too much partying for me," I smiled curtly, "I'm on the DL at the moment…"

"Oh gosh yeah," she fell into a chair and swung her legs over the arm, I noted she wasn't thin like I first though, in fact she had rather nice curves – beach body rather than magazine. "Don't worry, Joey has told me _everything_ so I'll try not to be too… Um, what's the word?"

"Dumb?" Joey offered up and she slapped him with a giggle.

"No! Well yeah…" She sipped her drink awkwardly and a little voice in the back of my mind told me she meant well. "Hey Blainie we going down to the beach again this time?"

"You bet," he winked back, "you're actually insane you know that?"

"Ha! Not nearly as bad as you!" She turned to me, "he got me to go _skinny dipping," _she fell into the giggles and I raised an eyebrow at Joey who just shrugged it off.

"Hey, you said you do it all the time!"

"No that was you sweetie," Joey chimed in and I laughed but it sounded more like a bark and I had to cough to cover it up while everyone looked at me in confusion.

I sat quietly throughout our first meeting while Eliza and Blaine flirted hopelessly and Joey didn't even seem to notice it, maybe this is how it works in LA? I decided that I was too hot to stay outside and excused myself to go to the bathroom, admiring the beautiful apartment as I went and wondering if I could really bring myself to live here permanently. Dinner parties with Joey and Eliza seemed to be enough to make me crave New York but the view from the large and ample windows kept catching my attention. Was I limiting myself to the high-rise cityscape of NYC? Would a new surrounding help me out of this rut? Perhaps it would be good for the baby… But then again did I really want to raise my child in Santa Monica? On the other side of the country to its family under the watchful eye of Hollywood.

"Kurt come on," I scolded myself, "you're just here for the week stop doing this to yourself!" I sighed and splashed myself with cold water, my cheeks were slightly pink and I knew I'd had enough sun for today which suited me just fine since I needed some food and a nap. I pulled off my slightly sticky shirt for a bigger one to sleep in and didn't here the door open.

"Kur-Oh my god!" Eliza's voice made me jump again and I spun round in surprise without covering up, "you… I mean, what, I mean… What the-" Then she was on the floor.

* * *

><p>An hour later I was curled up adamantly in front of my laptop while both Blaine and Joey to reassure me it wasn't my fault, which I accept, and that she will come round eventually, which I didn't accept.<p>

"I'm sorry," Joey said gently, "I'm sure I told her…"

"Look its fine, I'm used to it," I said without looking up, "I'm sure it will all be fine or you know, it won't."

"Kurt," Blaine scolded, "don't be upset."

"I have the right to be a little upset!" I snapped back but sighed and met Joey's brown eyes, "I'm sorry, didn't Blaine tell you I'm a musical theatre kid?"

"I thought he was kidding!" He laughed back, "maybe you and Eliza can go for lunch or something; your friend Brittany lives around here right?"

"Isn't she on tour?" I didn't really want to see Britt since we were never that close but there was someone I was dying to see…

* * *

><p>"Well, well don't we look all grown up?" I laughed leaning on the door frame of Santana's classroom as she sat marking papers at her desk.<p>

"Kurt? Oh my God!" She jumped up and we embraced tightly, my bump poking her slightly. "What are you doing here? Are you pregnant?"

"Business and yes," I smiled still holding onto her forearms; it didn't seem possible the girl could have gotten more beautiful after high school but she managed it.

"Business?" She raised an eyebrow skeptically.

"Yeah, Blaine's here for a job interview thing at UMG so we're making a trip of it," I shrugged, "why else would I dare venture to the west coast?"

"Wait you're here with _Blaine? _Please tell me you're not with him?" She looked at intensely, "mi carina, what happened?"

"How about we go to lunch instead of standing in this classroom? I feel awkward like I have homework I should be doing…"

* * *

><p>"OK so you're only with him for the baby?" Santana summarized with her third glass of rose wine.<p>

"No," I said, "we're together because I love him!"

"And he loves the kid?"

"No… Well yes, but he asked me back before he knew anything!" I had been tirelessly defending Blaine since we left the school an hour ago.

"He loves me Santana, he never stopped."

"I don't know, he seemed a bit of a dick last time we talked," she sighed into her food, "are you sure about this?"

"It's my life right? I get to fuck it up however I see fit. I can't do this without him, I never could."

"You're such a drama queen Hummel," she laughed and held my hand, "if you're happy then I'm happy."

"Thank you. Now tell me about your," I glanced at the delicate ring on her finger, "wife?"

"Yep, three years in March can you believe that?" She had that love-struck look on her face that told me the novelty of marriage hadn't quite worn off yet, "I kinda resigned myself to being alone after Brit you know?"

"I think everyone saw that but I'm so glad you met-"

"Natalia." She said sweetly, "double-barrel surname and I'm sorry we didn't invite you. We didn't really invite anyone; my abuela refused to come and I didn't really want anyone after that…"

"Santana it's fine," I said, "I'm just so happy for you! Maybe we can go out at some point, the four of us?"

"That would be great, just… don't have your baby or anything OK? I have an aversion after the Quinn drama," she laughed heartily and motioned me to move closer to her. "Can I?" I nodded and she subtly placed a hand on my stomach when it gave a sudden jerk, "oh my God."

"Did you feel that?" I asked quietly and she nodded, "wow."

"Was that the first time?"

"First time it's been big enough to feel on the outside yeah," I smiled warmly, I couldn't wait for Blaine to discover this, he'll probably cry.

"Well obviously they love their auntie Santana!" She cooed stroking the bump softly, "it's a boy you know."

"What are you psychic?" I laughed and she rolled her eyes.

"I have a knack, I knew that my cousin would be a girl and I knew Holly would too," she added with soft eyes, "also I said my friend's sister in law would have a boy but she had a girl and guess, what, trans." She slumped back with a victorious smile on her face; I had missed the mouthy girl since our reunion though not as sharp tongued as she used to be but still as honest as she could get away with.

"If we move out here, promise I'll see as much of you as possible," I leaned on her, she smelt like someone else's perfume. "Is that Natalia's"

"How did you know?"

"God you're such a sap you know that Tana?"

"You're just jealous Hummel," she laughed with a kiss on the top of my head.

* * *

><p>"I'm sorry Kurt," Eliza said with a half smile that I didn't entirely believe, "I just… wasn't expecting it."<p>

"Yeah not many people are," I sighed, "but it's OK. Just… Eliza?"

"Yah?" She smiled brightly.

"If you say anything against my baby I will on you faster than you can say Hollywood whore," I blew a kiss and left her standing in shock while I went to find Blaine and get ready for dinner.

"Hey hun," he said as I hugged him from behind, "did you talk to Eliza?"

"Yep, all sorted," I smiled mischievously into his shoulder. "What you smirking about?"  
>"Nothing, I just love you," I relaxed into him and my stomach pressed into his back and his scent filled my head; we stood like this for a couple minutes just being until the baby started to fidget again. Blaine spun around so fast he nearly knocked me over, his hands firmly placed on the restless bump.<p>

"Kurt! It's moving!" He gasped, "oh god, this is amazing. Is this the first time?"

"No, Santana felt it this morning but I wasn't expecting it," I couldn't stop smiling at his face; he looked so utterly in love.

"This makes it so real," he whispered, "I think I'm going to cry-" He barely finished the sentence and I was wiping away hot tears from his cheeks, a gesture that was so utterly Kurt and Blaine it made me feel calm.

"It _is _real Blaine, it was real for me a while ago," I stroked his face gently, "but I'm glad you're not running."

"I'm not going anywhere, I spent enough time without you already," he kissed me tenderly. "God she's a right kicker isn't she?" I laughed and snuggled into his chest, desperate to get as much contact as possible.

"She?" I asked softly.

"Yeah… I mean _it _is just so impersonal…"

"Santana thinks it's a boy; how would you like a son?"

"Does it really matter?" He sighed, "like you said, all we can ask for is a healthy baby; the amount of people that take that for granted upsets me so much…"

"Shhh," I stroked his back soothingly, "we made it to 24 weeks, we're over half way!"

"I know but-" He paused, "do you really want to get into this right now?"

"Well I don't want to go out," I said, "I want to curl up and-" His breath tickled my neck and shivers ran up my spine and arms, "and not sleep."

"Mmm sounds good," he kissed the base of my neck, "but we need to thank Joey for letting us stay with him."

"Fine," I huffed, "hey! Are you going to tell me how your meeting went?"

"Yes…" He glanced at the floor, "they loved me."

"Ah! I knew it!" I pulled him into a deep kiss, "so what does that mean?"

"Well they want me to join the production team, writing, recording, you know kind of working with some new bands and stuff…" He looked so proud of himself and yet guilty.

"Here?" I tried to ask nonchalantly and he nodded, "look I really don't care where we are Blaine as long as we're together OK?"

"Thank you, I feel so guilty for taking you away from your family-"

"Nonsense! You two are my family as well and my Dad will understand, he's been expecting me to move for the last couple years actually."

"Get dressed, we'll talk about it later, I promise," he spun me round and smacked my butt.

"Don't tease if you want to get out on time," I winked playfully and he bit his lip but didn't follow me since we were on a time schedule but the look in his dark eyes told me we would be up late tonight.

**Had succchh a crappy week but here it is :) You guys are now on the same page as me so hold on; I might start updating every week rather than a few days. **

**Hold Onto Sixteen was so good, I might do a story playing off Blaine's 'I'm not for sale' (I know it's obvious.) I hate Finn and now I'm starting to hate Sam, we don't need another Hudson prick in the mix; angry Blaine was the best thing since forever. Anyways yeah rant over.**


	17. Chapter 17

**I'm actually so sorry this took so long! And I apologise that I can't write smut...**

"OK, please tell me why we don't do that more often?" I said once I had caught my breath; I was cooling rapidly and so was the sticky cum on my chest but I couldn't really bring myself to clean it up.

"I'm not sure," Blaine whispered back, sleep was creeping up on him but he was fighting it because he knew how much I loved post-sex talk.

"Well after the baby we'll do it a lot more OK?" He murmured agreement and tried to snuggle into my chest before recoiling in disgust; he grabbed some tissues off the bedside table and set about cleaning my chest, placing light kisses as he went.

"You say that now," he mumbled "but you know…"

"Don't ruin the moment," I swatted him playfully and he fell silent into my shoulder; after a few moments he looked up again.

"Do you really not mind moving here?" Blaine spoke softly and innocently, his sixteen-year-old self dripping out of his pretty eyes.

"Of course darling," I twisted round to face him and stroked his face, a small amount of stubble covered his chin; something that I found extremely sexy.

"Really?" He didn't sound convinced but that was because I didn't sound convincing; no I didn't _want _to move to LA but I wanted to be with Blaine, our little family was too fragile.

"Really."

* * *

><p>"California!" Rachel exclaimed across the table at our 4th July BBQ, "Kurt we promised!"<p>

"Promised what?" Blaine asked with a raised triangular eyebrow.

"Nothing," I waved it off but Rachel jumped in.

"When we were seniors we promised that we'd _never _go Hollywood! Kurt, you'll become one of those people who have Chihuahuas and too-white teeth!" She looked so serious and everyone started to laugh, "it's not funny!"

"No, you're hilarious," I walked round and sat on her lap, "I'm going to miss you."

"I'm going to miss you too!" She hugged me back tightly and she didn't even try to blink back tears.

"We're all going to miss you buddy," my Dad added, "I thought New York was far enough!"

"Why are we all being so negative!" I said, "we're all forgetting this is happening because Blaine is a musical genius and I think a toast is in order." Everyone raised their glasses of champagne, which I couldn't even stand a sip of anymore so I had pomegranate juice instead.

"To Blaine, the newest, most talented and cutest assistant production manager to grace the world," he stood up and kissed me deeply, our families aw-ing sickeningly but at least they were OK with us again.

"When are you two leaving?" Alyssia asked, she looked a lot better this summer since John had been doing so much better as well, you'd never know he was ill just six months ago.

"Well they want me to be in LA as soon as possible but I'm not officially there until July 31st," he was speaking formally to his Mom which I found a little strange.

"That's kind of them," John said, "if you want help moving in I'd be up for a little road trip."

"So would I," Finn smiled broadly, "I'd remember much of California…"

"Thanks but Joey said he'd help us, I really wouldn't want to inconvenience anyone," Blaine hated people offering to help; he and Joey had fought all evening over him helping us move.

"You're too sweet Blaine," Rachel said with a hand on his forearm, "don't lose it on the West coast." Her red eyes were shimmering with tears again but she sounded serious, we hadn't quite forgotten Matthew yet and he nodded guiltily.

"I promise. I'm really going to miss being away from everyone but," he smiled modestly, "I'm so _freaking _excited!" I glanced at my Dad who was smiling but there was something else, he looked at me with a sad undertone and I knew that he was finally having to accept I was growing up.

I didn't feel grown up. I was only twenty-two; I had been out of the house for just five years and most of that was in a cushy university with ample trips back home. My chest started to contract as I realised what I had done, I had been signed, sealed and delivered into my future without even being aware of it. The baby kicked with my racing heart, she knew I was panicking, and I knew I needed to calm down but I couldn't. I stood up abruptly, everyone stared at me worriedly, "um, bathroom!" I said with a fake laughed and rushed off. I had barely shut the door on my bathroom in the basement when I collapsed onto the floor; the cold tiles were a comfort against my flushed skin, I desperately gulped in air against the weight on my chest and tried to figure out why I was behaving like this.

**Blaine's POV**

I felt Kurt's heart and the baby's kicks like tiny hammers against me but he was out of my arms in the house before I could ask him anything. Everyone turned to me and I quickly replanted my smile and shrugged it off with something about too much juice but the look Burt was giving me caused a huge weight to drop inside of me. Thankfully the sun had taken refuge behind some angry looking rain clouds and we decided to move the party inside and I found myself alone with the older Hummel; something that I was certain would always make me nervous.

"What's wrong with him?" Burt asked calmly so I relaxed but only slightly.

"I don't know," but he didn't look like he believed me.

"You're really going to LA?"

"Yes, sir," I said with my eyes on the floor.

"Don't call-" But he gave up, it had been six years after all, "and Kurt is OK with this?" I nodded, "really?"

"Mr. Hummel, I don't know what else to say to you; he's told me he's excited, he's been packing, he's been happy and I know you don't want him to go but-"

"It's not that." He interrupted and I felt my forehead raise of it's own accord, "I always knew he would end up far away from me… I just don't know if I want him to go with you." I couldn't breathe. "You really hurt him and I don't know if it's good for him to give up everything to move for you." I wanted to say so much but I was held back by the fact I couldn't be rude to Burt, I just couldn't be honest because it was his little boy in this and I understood. "Blaine," I looked up, "tell me what you think for once."

"Sir," I said monotonously, "we're having a baby. We're starting a family and I want to provide for my family and Kurt understands that being together is important." I swallowed as he looked at me closely, I wanted to shout about how much Kurt had hurt me, how much I had lost of myself when Kurt left me, how much I still hadn't found. But I didn't. "We know life means compromise and maybe when things are easier we'll have a better arrangement for him. All I know is if I have to be away from my family, from this family I've created out of a love that just won't die when everyone expected it to, then well I won't survive."

"You still can't stand up to me huh?" He said without a smile but without any harshness either.

"I can't imagine I ever will," I admitted, "but I am always honest with you Mr. Hummel. I may not say what I want to but everything I say is true and always will be." Burt sighed deeply and looked me up and down in a way that didn't make me feel judged in a bad way but almost like he was seeing me for the first time.

"I know kid. You were always the good one, people get lost but just remember you take Kurt's heart wherever you go; no matter how dark or dangerous it is, you take him with you."

"And he takes me sir," I said confidently, "and I wouldn't have it any other way."

"You two are so goddamn grown up," he leaned against a counter, "I don't understand how you went from Blazers to babies."

"We almost did it at the same time remember," I smiled leaning next to him, "and when I look back on that I have no idea why we thought we could do that."

"You had this look in your eyes," he said, "like, this was what you were born to do. It was scary."

"Do I still have it?" He looked surprised at the question and to be honest so was I.

"Yes. It's different though, you know what you're capable of now and you're afraid."

"We're both afraid," I whispered, "he won't say it but I know he's afraid of what's happening. He doesn't know if he loves me."

"He loves you. He doesn't love himself," Burt looked in the general direction of Kurt's room, "he always pretended to but I know after everything…" We stood in silence for a few moments, the weight of everything that was about to happen pressing down on us and suddenly I knew exactly what I had to do.

**Kurt's POV**

Our new apartment was large and airy and so, so west coast. We lived just a few minutes from Joey and more importantly, the beach; I could see the perfect, sparkling blue from my bedroom and the panic in my chest seemed to lessen.

"Hey you," Blaine wrapped his arms around me as I stood on the balcony, "what do you think?"

"It's amazing," I breathed, "you said we couldn't afford anything like this?"

"Well," he kissed my neck, "might have lied about that."

"Why?" I spun round and looked at him, he was blushing roughly.

"Well I didn't want to, you know, _advertise_ the fact that I did alright for myself. I've been saving and… I don't know I just thought the surprise would be nice?" He wasn't lying, he was just very, very modest and sometimes it annoyed me.

"Well now I know there's shopping money," I giggled and kissed him, my large bump pressed into him and squirming happily.

"I felt kinda bad since you and Finn were decorating the nursery and everything…" He scrunched up his nose apologetically.

"Don't be silly, we didn't really get anywhere with it did we?" I thought back to the tester butterflies scattered across the walls and shook off the old plans. "Anyways this one is so beautiful without really having to do much to it!" I was disappointed I wouldn't get to decorate the nursery but Alyssia said that I could have one of the rooms in the Anderson house if I wanted.

"Speaking of baby things we have an ultrasound tomorrow," he was smiling so broadly I was surprised his mouth stretched that wide _(haha)_, "I'm so excited!"

"You're always excited about something," I laughed, "you're like a puppy." I ruffled his hair playfully and he licked my face, "BLAINE!"

"What? Puppies lick people…" I rolled my eyes at him but I couldn't really be mad. "33 weeks is insane," he said suddenly, "I mean that's over half a year!"

"What's scarier is we only have 7 weeks left," I took a shaky breath, "we haven't even sorted everything out yet!"

"Well, Mom's sending in the furniture later this week, you and Rachel seem to have more clothes than you know what to do with, the birth will be bulletproofed tomorrow… All we need is that little munchkin to make an appearance."

"Don't," I rubbed the bump, "I feel like I'm going to burst." I laughed but creases appeared on his forehead and I knew he had thought of something I wouldn't want to know. "Don't Blaine, it will be OK."

"Just don't go into labour tonight," he looked quite worried and I couldn't help but let out a bark of a laugh.

"Stop worrying! You'll give yourself an aneurism or something," I kissed him deeply, allowing myself to relax into him but a hard kick made me jump and suddenly I became nervous. What if it happened now?

**The next chapter is already being written so it will be up soon, I'm on holiday again so it will be finish soon! **

**Reviews?**


	18. Chapter 18

It was a too-hot afternoon in mid-August and I was at Santana's house appreciating her pool and private garden. I had been dying to go to beach since we arrived but I knew that it just wasn't worth the effort right now and lazing in the cool water with the Latina was good enough for me.

"Where's Nat?" I asked lazily from the shaded part of the water.

"Work," she said under her sun hat, "doctors huh?"

"You can't complain when you have a place like this Tana!" I exclaimed; her place really was pretty, an old house of a good size with a lush garden and I had been gushing over her beams all afternoon.

"I know but sometimes I wish she was actually here," she sat up to drink some more of her spritzer and looked at me curiously. "What's wrong mama?"

"Wrong?" I repeated, "nothing? Does it look like something is?"

"Yes and yes," she replied getting up and gracefully sweeping into the cool water next to me, "what's going on with baby daddy?"

"Why do you always think there's something wrong?"

"Because you haven't mentioned anything to do with you in the last week and Nat says you look like you're about to give birth at any moment so why isn't Blaine doing his overprotective thing?"

"I hate you," I growled.

"Just because I don't miss a thing Hummel, when will you learn?" She smiled sweetly and took my hands, "now spill."

"Well I don't even know what's happening, he's just so distant at the moment. He's stressed at work I know but it's more than that; he's always on the phone and he spends a lot of time alone…" She opened her mouth to speak, "don't you dare say he's cheating."

"Kurt it does kinda point-"

"Towards nothing." I snapped, "it means nothing. He's stressed or scared or something, I mean he's back on meds for his depression and his doctor says he's doing a lot better now."

"Depression is evil; it makes people manipulative, deceitful and dangerous. I think he was too deep to be able to hide it though," she looked worried; Santana had recently started training to do counseling at her high school and she was psycho-analysing everyone.

"I don't know what's going on, when we first came it was like we were seventeen again. All we did was talk and go out on dates and make love-"

"Whoa there porcelain, don't really want to-" She grimaced, "and there goes my lunch."

"Shut up!" I swatted her, "this is serious."

"I know, I know just trying to lighten the mood," she lay on her back and floated around peacefully.

"Do you think I should confront him?"

"Do you think he's cheating?"

"No."

"You should."

"Santana!"

"I'm sorry but just because you want happily-ever-after doesn't mean you get it."

"But he wouldn't do that to me."

"He did before."

"I'm having his _baby_!"

"He's scared."

"I'm scared."

"Tell him that not me."

"Cut throat."

"How long have you known me Hummel?"

"I don't want to know; if he's cheating I don't want to know."  
>"Neither do I."<p>

* * *

><p>I sat on the bed around eleven that night even though I wasn't tired and waited for Blaine to come out of the bathroom, he had taken his ever buzzing Blackberry with him and I just wanted to throw it against the wall. The baby was wide awake and testing her boundaries which was becoming quite painful as she collided with my sides.<p>

"You OK?" Blaine asked suspiciously when he exited the bathroom and shocked me out of my trance.

"Yeah," I lied softly.

"You're lying," he placed the phone on the bedside table and I eyed it hatefully. "Why are you trying to kill my phone with your gaze?" He asked forcefully, "can you please look at me?" I looked up and found a harshness behind his lightened eyes. "What the hell is going on?"

"Are you cheating?" It didn't sound like my voice as the words left my mouth and I saw the impact across Blaine's face, almost like I had slapped him and I just wanted to swallow them back down.

"Are you crazy! You thinking I'm cheating on you?" He cried with pain and shock all over his features.

"Well you seem so distant and you're always on that thing!" I shouted back on the verge of tears, "why have you become so cold?"

"I can't believe you're saying this to me!" He shouted back without explaining anything, "I thought you trusted me, I thought you understood that I love you!"

"I do! I just… why aren't you answering me?"

"Because it's ridiculous! We're starting a family Kurt!"

"I know that!" I stood up, "I'm carrying her!" He froze and I realised what I had just said.

"Her?" He whispered.

"I guessed, I don't know… I just have a feeling." He was looking at me so intensely that I thought I would burst into flames under the stare.

"Well don't OK," he growled, "don't try and replace her." We both flinched when he said it but he was gone before I could ask him about and I was left alone in the room with the echo of the fight. I was too tired to go after him and I knew he would crawl into bed at some point, I knew he would forgive me soon enough but right now I was too weak to do anything. Tears burnt my cheeks and I curled up around myself the way I did when I was alone, the baby calmed and settled when my arms rested around myself. The huge bed was just too big and I couldn't stop crying, I was unable to breathe properly and eventually I exhausted myself into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

><p>It was 3am when I was jolted awake by a hard kick and the urgent need to pee. I rolled over and became aware that I was alone in the bed but I knew Blaine hated going to sleep on a fight maybe I could find him and apologise. I wandered into the kitchen but found that no lights were on and Blaine seemed to absent, I tried not to panic and padded quietly through the still-foreign apartment.<p>

"I just don't think he needs to know-" The worried tones of Blaine carried in from the not-quite-closed balcony door and I froze, I knew I shouldn't be listening but I wouldn't be going back to sleep anytime soon so I curled up and listened at the door silently. "I mean last time wasn't exactly a success was it? Look, I just- Yeah, I know. It's not that I don't care!" I could hear the tears in his voice and picture him pinching his bridge in frustration but I couldn't feel sorry for him; I couldn't feel anything.

"Of course he suspects something! I've lied to him enough times but this… This is different. We've made it," he sighed deeply, "the doctor said any surprises will be easy enough to deal with but the baby is still so tiny and this- This isn't his problem it's mine." The soft breeze came in through the crack of the door and froze my tears on my cheeks; I hadn't even noticed I was crying until then. I just wanted to curl up in bed with Blaine and for him to sing one of his soft Italian lullabies and here I was sitting on the floor listening to him confess to an affair. I slipped back to bed without listening to the rest of the conversation and pretended to sleep until he returned.

"Kurt, I know you're awake," he whispered gently with a cool hand twisted into mine, "I'm sorry." He nuzzled the crook of my neck knowing my reaction to that would be to shuffle closer to him and I couldn't stop myself.

"So am I," I murmured back, "just homesick I guess…"

"Hmm… How would you feel about a trip home?" He asked and I blinked my eyes open.

"Just me?" I asked with a slight panic in my voice.

"Of course not silly!" He tapped my nose, "the two of us. Go see our families, I mean you'll be pushing it by travelling but if the baby came in Ohio would it really be that bad?" Blaine's laugh was light and musical and I wondered how he could be so easy when he was keeping such an awful secret from me, was it really that easy to lie to me?

"That would nice," I smiled back sleepily. "Hey," I kissed him, knowing that tonight at least I could pretend everything was OK, "sing to me?"

* * *

><p>"Where are you going?" Rachel asked when I nearly collided with her in the doorway.<p>

"Um, just out…" I stuttered but didn't pause, I really didn't want to tell her I was stalking Blaine today.

"Out? You've come from LA to go out by yourself?" She raised her eyebrows, "where's Blaine?"

"I… I don't have time for this Rachel I really have to go! Hey Finn!" I shouted a greeting to my brother who was grabbing bags out of the car, "I'll be gone a couple hours."

"Wait!" She called and when I'd gotten into the car I noticed she was sitting next to me.

"Fuck, how did you do that!" I jumped, "get out Rachel."

"No. I haven't seen you in months and you're being weird," she gave me her determined look and I sighed into the steering wheel.

"Fine, but just… don't judge me or anything." I pulled out of the drive, trying to breath normally. "I'm following Blaine."

"Following Blaine? What do you mean?"

"Well… I don't know. He's been acting weird and he wouldn't tell me where he's going today and I've heard him on the phone talking to someone-"

"Kurt do you think you're just a bit paranoid?" She asked, "being pregnant and away from your family. Are you sure about this?" I bit my lip, I had been a bit more emotional lately but I wasn't imagining this; Blaine was hiding something.

"I need to clear my conscience Rach," I said, "he's hiding _something _and I need to know what."

She relaxed in the seat and scrunched up her nose, obviously she knew better than I did but it was easier to just let me walk into this trap. After a few minutes of silence she began asking about LA and we talked happily all the way to Westerville.

"Won't he recognize the car if he see us?" She whispered instinctively as we crawled down the road towards his house.

"No, my Dad got this car like a month ago and Blaine knows cars by number plates," I smiled playfully and she rolled her eyes.

"Only you could make me excited about stalking your husband-" She slapped her hands over her mouth, "I don't know why I said that!" I wanted to laugh at her but I couldn't, for some reason Rachel calling Blaine my husband had rendered me absolutely speechless. "Kurt look!" She said suddenly distracting me; we were outside of Blaine's house and the huge drive was filled with expensive cars and people in dark clothing.

"What is going on?" I glanced at Rachel in confusion.

"I think we should go," she said softly.

"Why?" I asked obliviously, "why didn't Blaine tell me something was happening with our-his family?" My brain was obviously still on the husband comment.

"Do you want to go in and ask him?" She was looking extremely uncomfortable.

"Yes," I said getting out of the car abruptly, I had a nagging feeling I shouldn't be acting so confidently but there was still this thing in my head that made me _need _to know what was going on.

"Rachel I don't like this…" I whispered loudly as we stepped into the house through the already open door. The hallway was relatively empty so we continued into the kitchen feeling more and more like intruders; I just needed to see a friendly face before I made a run for it.

"Thank you for having everyone here Ally," I heard an unfamiliar voice say somberly.

"It's the least I could do for you all," Alyssia's Italian accent always soothed me, "as you can see by Blaine's presence a lot of the old pain has been forgotten for today." I took Rachel's hand and she gripped back tightly, we were both nervous and my racing heart was worrying the baby; I took a deep breath and walked into the kitchen where I saw Alyssia in a long black dress drinking a large glass of wine.

"Mrs Anderson?" Rachel called gently but it still made her jump.

"Rachel, Kurt! What are you doing here?" She smiled but looked so tired, "Blaine didn't mention-"

"Yeah he didn't mention anything to me either," I tried not to snap because I knew it wasn't the place or time but I was still annoyed at boy for hiding this from me.

"Can I ask what's going on here?" Rachel said eyeing the amount of empty wine bottles on the counters.

"Funeral." Alyssia took another gulp of wine and sighed, "ding dong the witch is dead," she laughed coldly and I felt awkward.

"Tabitha?" She didn't need to reply for me to know that it was Blaine's Grandmother that had caused all this fuss. "Even after she's gone she's still getting between Blaine and I," I rolled my eyes.

"How so?" She frowned and leaned in towards us.

"Blaine didn't tell me about the funeral," I admitted, "everything has been so weird and I just thought, well you know-"

"He was cheating," Rachel helpfully ended for me.

"For fucks sake," she sighed, "BLAINE! CUCINA!" A few seconds later Blaine appeared in a black suit and if I hadn't been here on such bad circumstances I would have been completely entranced by how dapper he was looking.

"Kurt what the hell are you doing here?" He didn't sound angry but he squinted his eyes slightly to show he was annoyed.

"Making sure you're not screwing someone else," Alyssia said bluntly.

"What?" He smiled at Rachel before kissing me softly, "why would you think that?"

"Well you were acting so distant and having weird conversations during the night…" I started to blush under the gaze of three Italians, "maybe I was just paranoid."

"No, no," he laughed, "I shouldn't have lied."

"Well done," his Mom commented drily, "when will he learn?"

"Never," I rested into him, "so now I'm here can we have a few things explained?" It turns out Tabitha had respiratory failure, a horrible death apparently and I tried to suppress the part of my brain reminding me of all the things she did to Blaine. I was introduced to the rest of his family and they all looked sad; I wondered if they knew that she called him disgusting, that she made his parents hate him, that she told him he wasn't good enough… That I was living with the bone deep scars of what she did.

They did.

"God remember that time she turned up to our parents' evening drunk?" Blaine's uncle William laughed heartily.

"I try not to…" John grimaced, "I think Mr. Donnelly needed therapy though."

"At least she never shut your fingers in that piano!" Charlotte Anderson pouted examining her fingers, "that thing weighs a ton!"

"Who gets it?" Blaine asked, I winced at him mentioning inheritance but no one else did, they were all waiting for it.

"Not sure," William shrugged.

"Won't be you," Blaine's cousin Jake laughed, "I bet she gives it to Marissa just to spite you." Jake's older sister Marissa was buried in a book in the corner and looked up at me lazily.

"Well we all know why she would do that," she quipped and everyone sighed.

"I'm guessing she was a favourite with Tabitha?" I whispered to Jake and he laughed.

"You should have seen them in church together," he laughed back; the other Andersons were very different from Blaine, Jake was blonde and a little bit chubby but had the cutest smile. Marissa was extremely skinny and pale, Alyssia's complexion could have done wonders for her but no amount of tan could make her look pretty when all she did was frown and judge people.

"Be nice about your sister, she's having a hard time with this," Charlotte said trying to be sympathetic but you could tell it was forced.

"Yes, like _normal _people I am actually mourning the death of a family member," Mary snapped back, "you're all so fucking weird!" She left the room in a hurry and no one followed.

"Should we?" I asked and everyone stared at me, "of course not…"

"So Kurt did you have any priceless experiences of good old Tabby's wrath?" William asked lightly, "I'm sure she loved you."

"Oh she did," I smiled, "I mean I got away with meeting her so very rarely that it was still slightly amusing to me but I can't imagine what it must have been like for all of you."

"Nonsense, it's what we grew up with," John said, "we were used to it."

"You're all so… _easy _with this," I said carefully, "excuse me for darkening the mood but how? I know if someone in my family was like that, it would be hard to joke about it." Everyone curled up a little and I felt a bit guilty but Blaine squeezed my knee to say that it was OK.

"You have a point," he said, "there is a reason we're not all crying right now…"

"Blaine, are you calling a serious moment?" John raised his triangular eyebrows.

"No Kurt is," he said pulling me into him, "even if he doesn't know he did."

"He's not an Anderson though?" William's wife Clara said bluntly.

"Of course he is," Alyssia clapped, "he's been with us long enough. Even if the road's been bumpy-"

"And so has he," Blaine laughed with a hand on my bump. I blushed furiously and caught Rachel's eye, who had been suspiciously quiet so far, she shrugged and smiled.

"I'm the real intruder," she finally piped up, "Kurt is carrying on the Anderson bloodline Tabitha was so worried about." Her comment caused an awkward tension that wasn't really tension, it was like everyone thought everyone else was uncomfortable but no one was.

"At least the kid doesn't ever have to meet her," Jake laughed, "they'll never hear her spouting her religious crap."

"Or leaving pray-the-gay-away leaflets on his parents bedside table," Blaine laughed.

"His?" Alyssia asked, turns out I wasn't the only one who noted that, "you two know already?"

"No," I replied, "Blaine just likes to have a pronoun to use."

"Hey, we can always talk about that bitch but how often does your nephew and his boyfriend has a kid on the way?" Charlotte said excitedly, no one dared mention that in fact, three times would be the answer, "why don't we go out to eat and celebrate."

**Anderson family are fun to write :) Tabitha is gone but Marissa isn't going to let her go quite as easily as everyone else. Just this chapter and the next one left (I think!) then the epilogue and then *poof* the end! This has turned into quite a journey hasn't it? Thank you to everyone who has stuck with this until the end, I hope you like how I end it! **


	19. Chapter 19

"I like your family," I commented as Blaine and I took and after-dinner stroll through Westerville; it was 9:30 and the sun had just set leaving the sky stained red and purple and ever so peaceful.

"So do I," he giggled and swung our hands playfully, "I'm really sorry you didn't get to meet them all before…"

"Hey, don't worry," I nudged him, "it wasn't the right time when we were younger."

"We're still young you know."

"I know, but I feel a million years old," I sighed, which was true emotionally and physically.

"I'm sure being 8 months pregnant doesn't help," he wrapped his arms around me and stroked my large bump.

"You know I can't go home right?"

"Yep," he smiled into my shoulder, "timing was perfect huh?"

"Your Grandma wasn't a complete inconsiderate bitch then," I laughed and winced slightly but tried to cover it up so Blaine didn't notice.

"I guess not. I knew you'd want to have the baby at home," we had reached the park and automatically turned into it like we had hundreds of times before in our past.

"What about work? You've only been there a month Blaine," I looked at him skeptically, "you cannot, _will not_ leave me to have our baby alone."

"I won't," he whispered, "but I will have to go back for a bit…"

"Blaaainee!" I whined, "you can't!"

"Shhh," he laughed pulling me towards the lit up fountain (a true mark of an area with too much money) and dropping onto the bench. "I will not miss a thing. I'm going to Colorado to meet with this new band on Friday and I'll be back next Monday."

"That's over a week!" I began to get nervous again, a soft pain flickered through my side, "what if something happens…?"

"Kurt," Blaine got serious and held my face, "you're C-section is scheduled for September 18th, I'm back on the 3rd I think we'll be OK." He kissed me, the taste of the mints and wine on his tongue should have been repulsive but it was Blaine; he tasted like Blaine and I couldn't resist it.

"Get a room!" Someone shouted and I jumped hitting my head on Blaine's. We turned around and saw someone I hadn't seen since graduating from McKinley: David Karofsky. "Well lookie here," he sauntered over with unsteady feet and I could tell he was drunk; my heart tried to escape from my chest as he got closer.

"Hey Karofsky," Blaine said politely, "long time no see."

"There's a reason for that," he snapped back; he was just a few feet away and I was beginning to instinctively curl away from him and Blaine noticed, he pushed himself up and although small he had a way of looking like he could take it.

"Play nice," Blaine said through gritted teeth, "we're not asking for any trouble, not tonight."

"Since when do I care what either of you want?" Dave glanced at me and I suddenly felt fifteen years old, five foot four and helpless. "Hey Kurtie baby," I shivered, "why don't you come say hi?"

"When your sober maybe," I hissed. "Haven't you grown up at all?"

"Don't talk to me like that," he moved forward suddenly and Blaine caught him, I was suddenly thankful of Matthew's obsession with Blaine's physique because he was stronger than anyone expected. "Stop trying to protect your wife Anderson, we all know he can pack a punch," he smirked; I wanted to stand up and face him but my body wouldn't let me expose my stomach to him. He narrowed his eyes at me before throwing back his head and barking out a laugh, "he's not up the duff again is he?" No reply. "Jesus, thought you would have given up after last time."

"That was your fault," I growled finally finding my feet, "you ruined that!'

"Kurt," Blaine cooed, "don't, it's not worth it."

"He doesn't even care!" I cried, "look at him! He hasn't changed at all!" I stamped my feet in frustration; I hadn't realised just how much pent up anger I still had towards the boy, I wanted to rip his head off.

"I know baby, I know but-" Blaine's words were lost in my muddled head.

"How dare you!" I shouted, "how are you still like this? Did you learn nothing? Are you still hiding in the closet like the coward you are?" My voice was dripping with venom and I could see every word hitting Dave with force, "why the fuck are you still so miserable?"

"I'm going to kill you Hu-" Dave lunged forward and Blaine pushed me back, he caught Dave's fist with a jolt and kicked his knee swiftly causing the large man to crash onto the ground.

"David!" An English voice sounded from the other side of the fountain and we spun round, "David what _are_ you doing?" A young guy with a goatee appeared from the darkness, breathing deeply as though he'd been running for a while.

"Who the hell are you?" I said, "what the hell is going on?"

"I'm Cameron and I was about to ask you the same thing!" We all looked at Dave, who was still on his knees apparently unable to get up.

"Are you with him?" Blaine asked, "seriously?"

"I know he's trouble," Cameron sighed kneeling beside the barely capable Karofsky.

"No shit!" I exclaimed, "he shouldn't be out like this."

"We had a fight," he sighed, "obviously he doesn't deal with emotional situations very well." He paused and looked up, "you're acting like, well like you know him?"

"We do," Blaine laughed coolly, "we went to school with Davey here."

"Fuck…" Cameron glanced at me, "are you Kurt?"

"How did you know?"

"He talked about you," he shrugged, "when we first met." He looked uncomfortable, "I'm sorry…"

"Well he didn't do any harm," Blaine said, always the pacifist, "I'm Blaine Anderson by the way."

"Oh wow you too," he looked between us, "you're still together after all this time?"

"You know what let's get him home before we discuss this anymore yeah?" Blaine eyed Dave worriedly, he was beginning to sway and jolt forward strangely.

* * *

><p>"We've been together about eight months on and off," Cameron said as he sat on top of his knees sipping a cup of tea, "he's hell to be with sometimes but there's something so-"<p>

"Enticing about a broken soul?" I finished for him.

"Exactly," he sighed; he was very effeminate and soft spoken, almost the polar opposite of Dave. "I'm like an addict."

"I know exactly what you mean," I smiled, I liked Cameron and his Surrey accent, "hard to escape them right?" Blaine kissed my hand gently, I blushed deeply and tried to hard yet another uncomfortable shift.

"I'm sorry about tonight," Cameron said once again, "I'm just glad he didn't hurt you."

"Same," Blaine sighed, "I don't know how he could have done this after last time…"

"He's dealing with a few things at the moment; like you know, admitting we're in a relationship," he ran his hands through his dark red hair and sighed deeply. "You don't want to here this," he laughed, "you want to go home and get that baby to sleep right?"

"How did you-" I began.

"You're discomfort can be felt miles away," he laughed, "moving around a lot?"

"You have no idea," I shifted and took a kick. "We have intruded far too long already," I turned to Blaine and he got the hint.

"Yeah, right," he pulled me up, "here's my number. Call us when Dave is in a better shape," he said playfully, "we'll have to get together again."

* * *

><p>"Kurt," my Dad said without looking up from his newspaper, "you're not fooling anyone you know that right?"<p>

"Shut up," I growled and kept on pacing, "I'm fine just fucking pregnant," I winced again.

"Yeah not for much longer, two weeks is-"

"Longer than two weeks," I hissed back, "a lot longer."

"Kurt I really think you should go to the hospital," my Dad finally looked at me, "the baby is going to come whether you want it to or not."

"I need Blaine," I exhaled. It was Thursday before he came back and I was missing him more than anything, even without this inconvenience. "I can't do this without Blaine."

"Buddy what about if something's wrong and you're ju-" I didn't hear the rest of the sentence because everything went black before I could do or say anything about it.

I woke up with a start in a hospital room panicked but no longer in pain; I wanted to sit up but I didn't think it would be such a good idea since I had no clue what was going on.

"Dad!" I called out weakly, "hello!" I sighed angrily, I couldn't believe I was back in the hospital already; I knew they would try and keep me here for any reason they could

"Hey buddy!" My Dad came in cheerily, "how you feeling?"

"Better," I said, "can I sit up?"

"Dunno can you?" I pushed myself up and smiled broadly, "you know I hate saying I told you so…"

"Shut up," I snapped, "what the hell happened?"

"Just pressure," he said, "the baby is moving around for birth."

"What?"

"Don't worry, they said it won't be along for a week or so, but they would like to keep you in-"

"No."

"Kurt-"

"No!" I cried, "I'm not sitting around waiting to pop!"

"But-"

"No," I wrapped my arms around my stomach, "I feel so useless when I'm in here."

"Fine, you can talk to Van De Bourgh yourself," I glared at my Dad as he smirked happily knowing how much I hated that doctor, "convince him."

"Fuck you," I smiled at his mock horror. "I get whatever I want."

* * *

><p><strong>So I have no idea how labourbirth/C-sections work so just roll with this OK? Unless there's something utterly weird then tell me, but yeah here we go...**

"Blaine's not here yet!" I squealed through the pain early on Monday morning, and when I say early I mean 2am, "this can't be happening!"

"Kurt you need to get in the car!" Carole tried not to sound panicked as she attempted to get me out of the house

"I'm not in that much pain Carole," I yelped, "stop freaking out!" She froze as I barked at her and I felt guilty, they were just trying to help. "Can I just pace for a bit?" I walked the length of the living room a ton of times but the ache in my lower back wouldn't ease up, I wanted to cry but I also wanted to keep this at bay until Blaine got on his plane in five hours. "Will this take eight hours?" I asked hopefully but my Dad and Carole just looked at me with sorry eyes. "Fine, lets go."

"You're early Kurt," Melissa sighed as I watched her closely on the computer screen; she didn't have the time to drive here so we skyped her instead. "You never like doing it conventionally do you?"

"Who do you think I am?" I laughed through a slight contraction.

"Bad?"

"No, not at all… I've just never done this before," I bit my lip to hold back the scared tears that were threatening to spill over, "I'm nervous."

"Well from what I hear you're in for a long night if you're waiting for Blaine," she looked disapproving of my choice to postpone the caesarean for as long as possible.

"I don't care it's _our _baby and truthfully," I dropped to a whisper, "I can't do this without him."

**Blaine's POV**

There was a weird noise in the back of my head… A buzzing, no… Yes? What was that? Why won't it fucking stop? I rolled over groggily but the sound just got louder until I realised it was my phone; I glanced at the clock 4:32am and sat up quickly. _43 missed calls_; fuck. I picked up the phone and Burt's voice flooded into my brain before I was ready for it.

"Blaine!" He cried, "oh thank God, we've been ringing for like two hours!"

"I know I was out cold… Pretty exhausted," I rubbed my eyes and suddenly a light came on in my head. "Kurt!"

"Yep," I could hear his nervous smile, "he's been pacing all week and you know he went to hospital," I swallowed my fear.

"Is he OK?" I asked pathetically.

"Well yeah, it's a pretty slow progressing labour so he's managed to keep the doctors off his back; he needs you here."

"Wait _labour?"_ I slumped back in shock, "he's having the baby now?"

"You know how Kurt is, always has to make a show of things," he laughed but I could tell he didn't really feel it.

"I'm packing now," I jumped out of bed and threw on some clothes as Burt gave me a minute by minute relay of the last couple hours; I felt like utter shit not being there and knowing Kurt was waiting for me.

I was ready twenty minutes later and rushing out of the hotel. The night receptionist jolted awake at my flustered presence.  
>"Are you alright sir?" She asked as she processed the bill (which was being covered by UMG but they wanted to see what I had been up to obviously.)<p>

"I'm having a baby," I said in one breath and she looked shocked, "I mean my partner is obviously!"

"Oh wow!"

"Yeah I need to get back to Ohio…" I suddenly had the worst feeling there would be no planes until mine in a few hours time, I couldn't make Kurt wait six more hours for me.

"Well thank you for your visit and good luck getting home!" She looked pretty cheery as I sped out of the doors and I realised I probably just made her shift a lot more exciting. I jumped into a cab and paid extra for him to break a few speed limits on our way there; I could barely sit still long enough to get to the airport and once I was free again I was running. Literally. People were staring at me like a crazy person but I didn't care, I had to get home _now_.

**Kurt's POV**

**_"_**_FUCK!_" I tried to breathe through the contraction but it was getting harder and harder with each one and I could feel everyone watching me, ready to get me to surrender and be taken away into surgery. "Just. Stop. Staring!" I cried.

"Kurt I know you want him here but-"

"No buts! Blaine has to be here," I growled but it turned into a sob, "he has to be!"

"Alyssia and John are on their way," I heard Carole say from somewhere behind me, "they said Blaine is at the airport now looking for a flight."

"See!" I said suddenly, "just a couple of hours-" I winced and tried to regain a bit of control over my erratic breathing.

"Kurt you're not going to last another hour let alone the three or four it will take for Blaine to get here!" One of the nurses said worriedly; all the doctors were getting worried the longer I left it and I understood but I mean… I could always give birth naturally right? Another contraction. OK I don't want to.

**Blaine's POV**

I slumped into a seat and stared at the board just willing the flight status to change to 'boarding' even though I still had a forty-minute wait; FORTY MINUTES my brain screamed. What was I supposed to do in that time? I decided I would talk to Kurt.

"Hello?" Burt answered on the second ring.

"Give me that phone!" I heard Kurt shout in the background, he sounded like he was in a lot of pain. "Blaine! Oh God Blaine please tell me you'll be here soon!"

"I will baby, I will. Just three hours OK," he squealed down the phone in pain.

"I can't," he whimpered, "I can't do that! Why aren't you," a hiss, "here?"

"Because I'm stupid," I tried to laugh but I realised I was crying instead, "I'm sorry Kurt."

"Don't be," he started to calm, "you just wanted everything to go according to plan for once…"

"Yeah and what kind of idiot does that?" I was beginning to feel less pressured hearing Kurt's voice and the restlessness left my legs so I could sit comfortably. "How are you feeling?"

"Better," he sounded it, "now you're talking to me. God it hurts so much Blaine, I don't know how anyone can do this naturally…"

"Tell me about it, my second cousin gave birth while I was round their place and the screaming…"

"I've been OK, no screaming as of yet; just a lot of shouting," I could hear him smile and relax, "the pain is lessening though."

"Is that a good thing?" A murmur of voices told me he was asking my question for me.

"I think so… They said it can come on and fade like this sometimes but they still think I should go in now," he sounded so sad.

"Baby you should," I tried to sound supportive but my heart was screaming to keep him out of the OR as long as humanly possible.

"Not without you here," he exhaled against a pain, "I don't think I'll survive this without you."

We talked until I had to board my plane and by that time the pain had gone back to a heavy pressure with the occasional contraction but not enough for him to complain about anymore. I took my seat a nervous wreck, whoever got the pleasure of sitting next to me was in for an annoying two and a half hours.

**Kurt's POV**

"His plane gets in in fifteen minutes!" I shouted at Dr. Van De Bourgh, "he'll be here soon!"

"Kurt if we leave this any longer you'll be too far gone for us to help you!" He shouted back, obviously no longer concerned with trying to be patient with me.

"Kurt fucking listen to him will you!" My Dad said nervously from his position next to my bed but I didn't look at him, "you're being ridiculous!"

"How would you feel if you missed me being born?" I cried back, tears falling furiously but I'm not sure if that was because of the pain or because of my frayed emotions.

"Kurt-" He sighed, "I know this is hard but Blaine would rather have you and the baby safe and miss it than run the risk of losing either of you." He had a point but I swallowed my common sense and shook my head sadly.

"Dad you don't understand," my voice was just a hoarse whisper now, "I _cannot _do this without him," I started to sob, "he's supposed to keep me safe, he's supposed to be here for me!"

The minutes passed by like days and everyone was watching every flicker of movement I made with utter scrutiny; Dr. Van De Bourgh was examining me once again with that deep crease frown that made me a bit nervous.

"This baby so ready Kurt," he pouted and nodded to a nurse who went to the phone by the door and spoke very quietly.

"No," I tried to protest but I couldn't any more, I didn't have any voice left.

"Blaine will be here soon," he said gently, "but this will be a tragedy sooner so please?" I sighed and tensed around another contraction; Blaine would be here soon… He could rush; he could make it if I went now, right?

**Blaine's POV**

"Hey can you go a bit faster?" I urged the taxi driver once again as I listened to Burt's phone ring out for the tenth time.

"Sorry there are laws you know," he said bored.

"Yeah well my partner is about to give birth!" I shouted with a grin that hurt my face, "I can't miss it!"

"Blaine?" Burt's voice made me jump.

"Mr. Hummel! Oh good! I'm in the cab, I'll be there soon!"

"He's going in now," Burt answered, "they couldn't wait any longer…"

"What?" I was crushed, "no! I'm nearly there! They have to wait!"

"I know it's not fair but things never happen like that! You just have to get here when you get here right?" He was trying to be supportive but I knew he was angry I wasn't there, I knew everyone was angry that I had left Kurt alone to go to work when he was so close.

"I'll make it!" I said determinedly before hanging up, "sir please?"

We made it to the hospital ten minutes later and after paying a ridiculous fare for the second time I sprinted as fast as I could through the familiar corridors until I was stopped by a nurse at the maternity ward.

"'Scuse me sir!" She called as I tried to breeze past, "what are you doing?"

"I'm here to see Kurt Hummel?" I panted.

"He's just gone into surgery; you can take a-"

"No!" She jumped as I snapped, "I'm the Father! I need to be there!"

"Oh!" She smiled prettily at me and called someone, "hello can you come and take Mr. Anderson to OR3? Thank you!" A few long moments later someone came and we rushed back down towards where Kurt was; my head was barely attached to my shoulders and I couldn't even feel my feet anymore but the adrenaline rushing through me numbed any pain or exhaustion I should have been feeling right now. I scrubbed up in record time and rushed into the room where Kurt was lying, looking so small and helpless with that weird wall thing across his midsection.

"Blaine!" He croaked pathetically and everyone looked up at me, "you made it."

"Of course I did darling," I rushed forward and kissed his forehead which was covered in cold sweat and felt rubbery under my hot fingers. "How you feelin'?"

"Well… I can feel them inside me," he whispered, "don't look!" He snapped as I leaned over slightly, "I don't want you to see that…" I nodded and pushed his bangs back.

"You're such a brave baby, you know that?" I said softly looking into his big blue eyes that were stained with grey and dilated beyond anything I had ever seen before… And yet he looked so much more beautiful than I had ever seen him.

I kept my eyes locked on Kurt's throughout the whole thing; I don't know how I managed to get there in time but I'm glad I did because wait felt like seconds and hours later I heard a gurgling cry.

"And here we have a baby boy!" My heart swelled up as I caught sigh of him, covered in blood and all sorts of disgusting stuff but still utterly perfect; he was presented to me a few minutes later much cleaner but no happier looking.

"Hey there," I cooed, he was so tiny and light in my arms I could hardly believe he was the cause of that massive bump that Kurt had had, "how are we doing today?" I bent down and showed Kurt the small child for the first time and he didn't say a word. "Kurt?" I asked nervously.

"He's… He's perfect," he croaked, "are you sure he's mine?"

"Oh, of that I have no doubt," I laughed kissing his nose, "he looks just like you."

"He'll have your hair," he smiled, and I glanced at the dark top of his head, "just like we always thought."

"And your eyes," I noted, the big, sea blue eyes I had loved for so many years were sitting their in my child's face; under the dark eyelashes my Mother would no doubt take credit for.

"Can I go to sleep now?"


	20. Chapter 20

**I don't want it to be over but here it is!**

**Epilogue. 16 years later. **

"Julie come into the kitchen for a moment!" Rachel called after her daughter who was pretending to be invisible in the lounge.

"Urgh!" Came back but after a few seconds the thirteen-year-old appeared, the spitting image of her mother but nearly taller and when she was actually in a good mood she would have Finn's lopsided smile.

"Thank you," Rachel smiled forcefully; she was nearly at her last nerve with the trying teen.

"Yeah thanks _Julie,_" Freddie taunted at the miserable girl, "sorry my birthday is such an inconvenience. _JULIE_."

"Freddie stop it!" Kurt snapped, "how old are you today?"

"Five, like you when you named her," he eyed Rachel but quickly looked away because he knew she had no problems thumping him.

"You were one chromosome away from being Patti," Blaine laughed.

"Closer than that, I'd say two tequila shots," Rachel quipped back ruffling the boy's hair in the way he hated but couldn't stop her from doing.

"Can we just get this over with?" Frederick sighed starting to lose amusement at the situation.

"No wait," Kurt said, "can't we tell him who he's named after?"

"Fred Astaire?" He guessed with hopeful eyes that had never lost his father's blue, "I can live with that."

"What about Fred Weasley?" Blaine said trying not to giggle, "if only you were a twin."

"Harry Potter?" Freddie frowned, "seriously?"

"Your father is a massive fan," Kurt kissed Blaine on the cheek happily, "and you can't say you're not a trouble maker." Julie scoffed at the other end of the table and her parents smiled at her finally finding a sense of humour; it was sad she was being such a moody kid, she really was a sweet girl under it.

"Please tell me you're joking?" Freddie looked desperately between the adults finally resting on his granddad, "Pa? Tell me it's not true."

"You love Harry Potter Freddie!" He laughed going along with it, "I never had any control over your Dad."

"I need cake," he sighed and slumped back in his chair looking rather dejected. Freddie was a big fan of the 1920s unlike a lot of boys, but also unlike a lot of boys he had had the support to try and enjoy anything he wanted to. The mix of Blaine, Kurt, Rachel and Finn had made sure their children were introduced to the widest selection of music; Julie was still finding her feet between Broadway and pop-punk whilst her younger brother Oscar had happily accepted country and mainstream music at the tender age of just six.

Freddie was a Warbler, of course, but he'd never dreamt of a career in music or performing like his parents, it was just something he enjoyed and he'd been brought up to do. He smiled broadly as his family began to sing around him and as he watched the cake be brought to him he began to get nervous, he wanted to tell his parents this for some time but he wasn't sure how. He wanted to laugh at how obscure his situation was but at the same time he felt like he was expected to be like them…

"Happy birthday dear Freddie, happy birthday to you!" Everyone sung, rather more beautifully than in most households he mentally commented.  
>"Make a wish sweetie!" Kurt said loudly kissing him on the cheek. Freddie looked down at the butter-cream frosting with red icing saying "<em>Sweet sixteenth Freddie!" <em>

_I wish I had their confidence, I wish I was like my Dads._

The candles flickered out in one blow and everyone clapped and cheered, the large cake was whisked away to be cut up and when Freddie looked up he caught Julie's eye. She smiled softly like she knew the wish wasn't a happy one, she knew he wasn't completely happy today although he should be. She got up and hugged him tightly around the neck, something she hadn't done in a couple years now and Oscar rushed over to do the same.

"I love you Freddie!" He cooed and the two older kids laughed.

"I love you too Ozzy," he said to his cousin who pretty much worshipped the ground Freddie walked on because he called him 'Ozzy' and gave him a guitar for his fourth birthday and taught him a few chords.

"Hey Freds," Julie whispered, "whatever it is just tell them. I highly doubt there is _anything _your parents could be closed-minded about," they laughed and shared a moment before pretending it didn't happen so their parents couldn't force them to take a million pictures.

* * *

><p>After a few hours Freddie began to harass his family and made them leave so he could get ready for his party but the stone in his stomach grew and grew as everyone left and it was just him with his parents. He went upstairs of their Hamptons house (they had moved back to New York when Freddie was four so that Blaine could set up the HQ of UMG on the West Coast) but then came back down, and went back up, and came back down, and so on until Kurt came out and eyed him dawdling on the staircase.<p>

"Freddie what the hell are you doing?" He asked amused; the young boy had always made his Dad laugh ever since he was born.

"Um…"

"You're nervous," he stated, "come here." He automatically came down the stairs into his Father's arms and allowed himself to be led into the kitchen and sat down at the island. "I'll make you some tea and you know what to do."

"Can't I have some vodka?" He asked slyly.

"Frederick!" Kurt snapped, "you don't think you can drink do you!"

"Dad," he gave Kurt the 'look' that like Kurt, he had also perfect aged fourteen. "It's my sixteenth, I'll be hung over tomorrow whether you like it or not."

"Fine," he put away the mugs and brought out the glasses John used for whisky and filled it halfway with vodka, "do it." Freddie stared at the clear liquid, knowing exactly what it would do to him and he swallowed nervously not knowing what to do. He picked it up keeping eyecontact with his Dad when suddenly. "BLAINE COME HERE!"

"DAD!" He jumped spilling it on himself, "why did you do that?"

"What?" Blaine appeared in the doorway, "what's going on?"

"Fred's pre-gaming," Kurt giggled, "you know party nerves and all."

"Oh he is, is he?" Blaine raised a triangular eyebrow and looked at Freddie carefully, he had become a lot more wary after becoming a father.

"What you drinking bud?"

"Urgh," _bud _was never good, "nothing! Tea!"

"Vodka," Kurt was desperately trying not to let his laughter get too out-of-control.

"What!"

"He gave it to me!"

"You're such a baby Freddie!"

"Kurt grow up for a second," Blaine said more seriously and Kurt took a deep breath and manage to calm himself. "Freddie maybe we should have a talk if you're feeling this nervous-"

"Dad, I have drunk before," Kurt mocked a gasp and the other two stared at him pointedly, "I know my limits."

"What about the guests? Do they?"

"That's not my problem if someone wants to get embarrassingly drunk," he snapped, "but you know Dalton boys Dad!"

"Yeah I do," he said, "I was one and I was _awful_. I never told you half the things I did when I was in school and after it for that matter," he glanced at Kurt sadly who couldn't catch his eye knowing he was the reason Blaine has those stories.

"Tell me then," Freddie challenged, "I'll tell if you do."

"We don't have enough time tonight for _everything_ but I'll tell you one story," Kurt leaned forwards intrigued. "When I was fifteen I went to a house party at your aunt Rachel's house," Kurt started to laugh loudly.

"Oh God yes!"

"And your Dad wasn't drinking because he was so in love with me," he teased, "but I, being the innocently oblivious man I am, got so drunk."

"So, so drunk," Kurt giggled into his tea, "it was quite cute when you look back."

"How can you remember that far back?" Fred quipped and was greeted with a smack on the shoulder.

"Shut up, we're not at the good bit yet. Go on honey," he smiled mischieviously.

"OK… well we decided that we'd play spin the bottle," Freddie groaned knowingly but his Dads decided not to pick on it… yet. "And…. Well it was… Embarrassing."

"Why? What happened?"

"He kissed Rachel," Kurt barked through laughter, "then decided he was bi-curious and went on a date with her."

"WHAT!" Freddie laughed but suddenly had a fluttering in his stomach, maybe this would be OK after all.

"Yeah shut it," Blaine blushed deeply, "it was just the alcohol, it can play with your emotions."

"And your penis apparently," Kurt murmured.

"Dad!" Blaine strode towards the taller man and swept him into a deep kiss.

"You wish, maybe then you could have gotten some sleep during junior year."

"OH MY GOD, WHY AM I HEARING THIS?" Freddie tried to escape briefly looking at the clock and realising he only had two hours to get everything sorted. Everyone was flying/driving in from other states but they had decided to get the party mood flowing during the _whole _weekend before being shipped back on Monday morning.

"Wait, wait," Blaine called, "seriously you look like you need to talk."

"It can wait, I have stuff to do-"

"No. Freddie come here and tell us," his Italian father was almost in perfect tune to what Freddie was feeling and thinking most of time so he couldn't hide anything from him.

"I…" He swallowed the lump in his throat and sat back down, taking a large gulp of the acidic liquid which made him shudder slightly but he knew would help soon. "I want to go to Cambridge like Dad," he said to the floor.

"OK," Kurt said, "you have the grades for it."

"And the attitude, I'm sure you'd love it there," Blaine said happily, "why was that so hard?"

"I want to study medicine," he added, "and become a cardiologist."

"Wow," Kurt breathed, "our son wants to be a doctor. What kind of job is that!" He snapped.

"I know! After all the time spent teaching him music, dance, Broadway! This is how you repay us!" Blaine growled and Freddie began to cry until; "getting a well-respected, high paying, enjoyable job!"

"I hate you," Freddie whimpered as his parents began to smile, "why would you do that to me!"

"Because you're such a gay," Kurt laughed, "you're more dramatic than me sometimes!"

"Sorry I have feelings," he sulked, "I just didn't know what you'd think."

"Well I know you can do it," Blaine said, "you know you can as well, we'll support you all the way."

"Just one more thing," he whispered and his Dads looked up curiously, "I've kind of… been involved with someone. OK not _someone, _more than one person and I know you've always told me to be, you know, respectful of myself but-" He took a deep breath, "I was so confused. I just didn't know what I wanted or who I wanted and I didn't really want to tell you but after Dad said that…"

"Freddie can please get to the point?" Kurt hurried only to be comforted by Blaine's firm but gently hand on his shoulder.

"I had sex with this guy, with a couple guys actually," he admitted, "and I shouldn't have and I really didn't _want _to but I needed to know. I like guys, but there's this girl, coming tonight and-" He smiled in the same love sick way Blaine did when Kurt wasn't looking. "And we've been dating for a while and I _really _like her, and well… I don't know, is that OK?"

"OK?" Blaine repeated," OK! Of course! Why the hell would you think it's not OK to be bisexual?"

"I don't know… It's always been about how much you went through, how strong you guys are and I just kind of felt like I would never been that confident if I just got to date a pretty girl and-"

"Shut up," Blaine said, "just please shut up Fred."

"I-I-" He stuttered and suddenly his heart began to sink and he started to cry.

"Oh shit Blaine," Kurt rushed round and hugged Freddie tightly, "baby look your Dad is just being a bit harsh because he wants you to know that it doesn't matter what sexuality you are, being strong is _you_." Kurt stared at Blaine scarily and he began to wake up a bit more.

"Exactly. I'm sorry son," he came over and put his arms round the young boy as well, "I just never thought you'd ever felt like this, I thought we'd protected you from this by telling you what we went through."

"Even if you never, and pray to every deity, force and energy out there that you don't, go through anything like we did that doesn't make you weak," Kurt said, "you'll fight your own battles and they'll be as hard for you as ours were for us."

There was a comfortable silence as the three men stood together but Freddie still had more to ask; he had been brought up to be perfectly honest with his parents and if he did that he would receive no judgment or punishment (up to a reasonable point obviously.)

"Who's Holly?" The words caused a reaction he wasn't expecting, his Dads both stepped back and Kurt's hands wrapped around his stomach instinctively as he looked at Blaine, lost for words.

"How long have you wanted to ask that?" Blaine asked gently.

"Since I heard Dad crying when I was little," he admitted to his lap, "and Finn mentioned her name but Rachel wouldn't let him explain anything."

"OK, we probably should have told you this a long time ago," Blaine sighed. "Kurt, we have to," he said firmly to his husband who looked like he wanted to cry; they hadn't mentioned Holly other than to visit her grave every September 25th, they never knew how to tell Freddie about the sister he would never know.

"Fine," Kurt said, "where do we start?"

"Just with Holly," Blaine replied, "we can finish it on a better day yeah?" Freddie rarely saw his Dad speak like that, it was a soft and comforting tone that was more than just him being supportive, it was him connecting to Kurt on the level that Freddie had no idea about yet. Kurt nodded slowly and allowed himself to curl into Blaine's shoulder but kept looking at Freddie with those matching blue eyes. "Holly was your sister," he said slowly sending shivers down Freddie's spine, "she was, um, conceived at the end of our junior year and we thought we could handle having a baby."

"But you couldn't," Freddie attempted to finish but was greeted with sad looks.

"No exactly," Blaine held Kurt tighter, "there were a lot of complications with her, the pregnancy was stressful and as your Dad was so young it wasn't easy on his body-"

"Neither was being pushed around by Karofsky," Kurt hissed and it made Freddie jump.

"Karofsky? Dave?" He knew David Karofsky vaguely; he'd met the large man a couple times when he was in Ohio but all he really knew was he went to school with his Dad and that he was gay.

"He wasn't always, kind, to people at school and your Dad was one of his favourite targets. Dave didn't come out until his early twenties and before that he didn't like being faced with those who had the courage to do it and we took it more step, we started a family together." Freddie slumped back not sure if he could handle this question anymore but he was desperate to find out more about his parents' past. "We went back to school in September and not _everyone _was understanding of what had happened to us," Blaine continued quickly, "but David was the only one who did anything about his feelings. He didn't know how fragile they were, he didn't have any idea but it doesn't mean it was OK-"

"Of fucking course it doesn't," Kurt snapped holding back tears, "he meant to damage and he didn't even-" He glanced at Freddie's big eyes, he may have been sixteen, he may have thought he was grown up but in that second he was four years old when he got lost in a supermarket in Ohio and tried to tell someone he was looking for his Daddies and they wouldn't help him. He felt helpless.

"Shh," Blaine stroked his love softly, "baby don't," watching his parents like this should have upset him but he was seeing something many people didn't. Freddie saw many things he 'shouldn't' have, but by doing so he saw what love really was like, what the tiny moments were like and what you had to do to really be together with someone like Kurt and Blaine were together.

"What happened to her?" He asked softly.

"After David, _took his frustration out_ on Kurt we took him to hospital and unfortunately Holly was delivered far too early… She didn't make it," Freddie nodded slowly, "but it's OK," he took his son's hand, "we're OK. We've had years to talk this over and to get over, as much as you can, what happened and when you happened-" The two men smiled cutely at the teenager who began to blush.

"Everything got better," Kurt finished finally regaining composure, "it was hard at first and we had our scares but seriously," he said with an edge to his voice, "you saved our lives."

Freddie smiled broadly, he wanted to cry some more but didn't, he didn't want anyone else to cry tonight.

"Thank you," he said, "thank you for being the most amazing parents I could have ever asked for."

"Hey!" Kurt pulled out from the tight hug, "you need to get ready! When is this girl arriving?"

"Annalisa," he said blushing, "she won't be here until eight but the Warblers will be here in-" He glanced at the clock, "shit! In twenty minutes!"

"OK, calm," Blaine laughed, "we'll get the food and the drink ready and you go get dressed so you don't look like you've just been told you have a dead sister," Kurt and Freddie frowned briefly but then laughed at Blaine's utter awkwardness. Fred leaped forward and kissed both his Dads happily before bounding towards the stairs then stopping.

"Hey Dad?" They both spun round, "do you think I could come to visit Holly this year? I'd like to… talk to her," he bit his lip nervously until his parents agreed readily. He ran upstairs into his bedroom and jumped into the shower, he started to wash and hissed suddenly at unexpected pain; he glanced down at his hips and saw the angry red lines that were just a day old. Freddie may have been happier than ever in that moment but the faded scars told a different story and he began to think would it be the same now? Would he still pick up the blade tomorrow when he came down from this high? Freddie could hide his depression easily, it wasn't hard when there was nothing wrong, when he was just weak not broken. He got out of the shower and dried off, he looked into the mirror and smiled; he had Kurt's eyes and Blaine's hair, he had a straight teeth (thank you braces) and strong cheekbones… He looked good. Suddenly something banged inside his cupboard making him jump a foot in the air before bending down and carefully opening it; out tumbled a tin that he had forgotten about from last Christmas that thumped onto his toes.

"What the fuck…" He picked it up and looked at the tin, "Christmas candle," he read aloud, "for relaxation – _yeah right._" He began to put it down when suddenly…. "Orange, cinnamon and _holly_," he stared at the candle for a few seconds. He threw on some clothes and rummaged through his drawer before finding his lighter, he lit the candle and let the scent fill his room and melt away his nerves.

Frederick Jonathon Anderson-Hummel would always remember his sixteenth birthday as the day he came out as bisexual, lost his virginity (in a sense) to his girlfriend and met his big sister Holly. He would learn more about his parents' past as he grew up and he would also learn that life would be tough on him but he tougher. He was after all the son of Kurt Hummel and Blaine Anderson.

**AWWHH IT'S OVER. Thank you so much if you actually got through all 20 chapters without hating me and leave me a review if you want because then I'll love you even more and um... yeah. I'll be doing some more soon, like Anderberry!siblings, Harry Potterxglee cross over, Drarry and yes, there will be angst and fluff and (if I can find my old knack) smut.**

**Love, reviews and all that jazz. **


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